My husband just hit me

[Anonymous]

The fact that Joren van der Sloot was getting love letters after he confessed to the murder of Stephany Flores tells me that a non-trivial number of women find the violent sociopath thing attractive. The fact that PrisonPenPals.com is a thing kind of adds to my belief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fact that Joren van der Sloot was getting love letters after he confessed to the murder of Stephany Flores tells me that a non-trivial number of women find the violent sociopath thing attractive. The fact that PrisonPenPals.com is a thing kind of adds to my belief.

Well, since some men abuse their girlfriends and wives, obviously that means that a non-trivial number of men think that's an acceptable way to treat an intimate partner. Following your logic, I am justified in believing that most men are abusers, and judging them accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

Of course. All women are exactly the same, and no battered wives or girlfriends ever leave their abusers. Intervention will do no good in the long run. Right.

Please spare me your extremely patronizing, not to mention ill informed, sympathy. You walked by a woman being abused because a completely different woman returned to her abuser after you intervened. Your wife should have lost respect for you. You are certainly under no obligation to intervene, but refusing to intervene because "it would do no good in the long run" is bullshit. I could present you twice as many examples in which intervention made a difference, but you already know that all women make the same bad choices, so why should I bother?

I'm the poster that made the original statement.

It's not at all because I believe all situations are the same. Not because I don't think a small percentage of women will leave the abuser. I'm informed about the cycle of violence and the abused being brain washed. Aware that low self esteem women don't see an option. I get all that and more.

My decision not to intervene is based on my emotional health. I put my life on the line thinking at the moment I could have been sent to prison protecting that woman. If there was a way for me to determine which victim would actually benefit from my help, then I'd do it. If the odds are small that my intervention would help, then emotionally I just can't do it. I realize there are women that can not function without being abused. My decision wasn't a conscience one, but instead one that my emotions made for me. I was ready to kill that young man. Later learning it was all for nothing. Again I'm sorry, I don't know that I can ever do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

Of course. All women are exactly the same, and no battered wives or girlfriends ever leave their abusers. Intervention will do no good in the long run. Right.

Please spare me your extremely patronizing, not to mention ill informed, sympathy. You walked by a woman being abused because a completely different woman returned to her abuser after you intervened. Your wife should have lost respect for you. You are certainly under no obligation to intervene, but refusing to intervene because "it would do no good in the long run" is bullshit. I could present you twice as many examples in which intervention made a difference, but you already know that all women make the same bad choices, so why should I bother?

I'm the poster that made the original statement.

It's not at all because I believe all situations are the same. Not because I don't think a small percentage of women will leave the abuser. I'm informed about the cycle of violence and the abused being brain washed. Aware that low self esteem women don't see an option. I get all that and more.

My decision not to intervene is based on my emotional health. I put my life on the line thinking at the moment I could have been sent to prison protecting that woman. If there was a way for me to determine which victim would actually benefit from my help, then I'd do it. If the odds are small that my intervention would help, then emotionally I just can't do it. I realize there are women that can not function without being abused. My decision wasn't a conscience one, but instead one that my emotions made for me. I was ready to kill that young man. Later learning it was all for nothing. Again I'm sorry, I don't know that I can ever do it again.

You intervened the first time because you wanted to feel like a white knight of some kind. You wanted to feel righteous and just. You were then disappointed when your righteousness did not have the effect you hoped.

I don't know you, PP. You've certainly said some things I find fairly appalling. But I will tell you this: what happened later does not tarnish your intervention or the righteousness and desire to protect a person from violence. Those things came from a good place.

Put another way: I know that sometimes, when I give a dollar to a person holding a sign that says "hungry, please help" that sometimes my dollar is going to something other than food. That does not change my desire to help feed someone who is hungry. Compassion and kindness is still important.

The response you describe "desire to be compassionate and righteous -> intervention -> disillusionment with the ineffectiveness of intervention -> refusal to ever intervene again" is the hardening of a heart.

Reconsider, or at least keep your mind open, by reminding yourself that not all women return to their abusers.

[Anonymous]

That is easily one of the most obnoxious posts I've ever read here. It's not your job to protect OR judge a woman in a terrible situation. Do you make the best decisions under duress? Do you get at all that these situations aren't about you? Have nothing to do with you? That you can just call the police and stay out of it? That you're not going to get a medal or trophy for saving the damsel? FUCK.

[Anonymous]

http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/fjc/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

If you've ever been on the spot like this, often the first thing you think of is calling a family member for help.

No... That would be the police. Someone beats your ass and you say, wait, I'm going to call your momma?

Yes. Actually... you don't want your H in jail, or to lose his job and most likely he does not want his parents to know he hits his wife so you call HIS mom or his brother.

this was BEFORE he hit her. she was calling his mom to tell on him because he was being rude about having the tv on loud late at night? um, what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

If you've ever been on the spot like this, often the first thing you think of is calling a family member for help.

No... That would be the police. Someone beats your ass and you say, wait, I'm going to call your momma?

Yes. Actually... you don't want your H in jail, or to lose his job and most likely he does not want his parents to know he hits his wife so you call HIS mom or his brother.

this was BEFORE he hit her. she was calling his mom to tell on him because he was being rude about having the tv on loud late at night? um, what?

I called my ex's parents to tell them he was a drunk. It worked well for me because they didn't give him a dime and supported me 100% in full physical and legal custody of the kids. I was never hit but there was a lot of broken glass and smashed up walls. Ex lost his job and turned into a drunken monster, I left probably 1.5-2 weeks after the first incident and had all my ducks in a row; luckily, there were only a few incidents in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

Of course. All women are exactly the same, and no battered wives or girlfriends ever leave their abusers. Intervention will do no good in the long run. Right.

Please spare me your extremely patronizing, not to mention ill informed, sympathy. You walked by a woman being abused because a completely different woman returned to her abuser after you intervened. Your wife should have lost respect for you. You are certainly under no obligation to intervene, but refusing to intervene because "it would do no good in the long run" is bullshit. I could present you twice as many examples in which intervention made a difference, but you already know that all women make the same bad choices, so why should I bother?

I'm the poster that made the original statement.

It's not at all because I believe all situations are the same. Not because I don't think a small percentage of women will leave the abuser. I'm informed about the cycle of violence and the abused being brain washed. Aware that low self esteem women don't see an option. I get all that and more.

My decision not to intervene is based on my emotional health. I put my life on the line thinking at the moment I could have been sent to prison protecting that woman. If there was a way for me to determine which victim would actually benefit from my help, then I'd do it. If the odds are small that my intervention would help, then emotionally I just can't do it. I realize there are women that can not function without being abused. My decision wasn't a conscience one, but instead one that my emotions made for me. I was ready to kill that young man. Later learning it was all for nothing. Again I'm sorry, I don't know that I can ever do it again.

You intervened the first time because you wanted to feel like a white knight of some kind. You wanted to feel righteous and just. You were then disappointed when your righteousness did not have the effect you hoped.

I don't know you, PP. You've certainly said some things I find fairly appalling. But I will tell you this: what happened later does not tarnish your intervention or the righteousness and desire to protect a person from violence. Those things came from a good place.

Put another way: I know that sometimes, when I give a dollar to a person holding a sign that says "hungry, please help" that sometimes my dollar is going to something other than food. That does not change my desire to help feed someone who is hungry. Compassion and kindness is still important.

The response you describe "desire to be compassionate and righteous -> intervention -> disillusionment with the ineffectiveness of intervention -> refusal to ever intervene again" is the hardening of a heart.

Reconsider, or at least keep your mind open, by reminding yourself that not all women return to their abusers.

Um, what?? You sound like a tool, certainly not anyone's "savior."

[Anonymous]

Um, what?? You sound like a tool, certainly not anyone's "savior."

Huh ! and exactly what are you adding to the conversation ?

I think it's clear what was being said.
Women have to protect themselves in Domestic Violence. Don't expect a white knight to show up. Get out of the relationship to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here...to all who offered caring advice and words of encouragement....thank you. To all who could only offer criticism and doubt...why did you even bother to respond? Fortunately for me, I am in such a bad place that your cruelty doesn't even phase me, but there may be others who come to this forum seeking support with a similar problem and those same words/sentiments might have damaging effects...please tread cautiously.

Its a whole new day and I'm still so shaken. I spent the night in my child's bedroom, sobbing and afraid with the door locked. This incident took place in the middle of the night, I didn't want to call my parents and involve them, I didn't want to call my friends and disturb them, but I did want to call the police.

I really, really, wanted to call the police, but I didn't for many reasons...our kids were sleep and didn't witness this and involving the police would have made them aware and upset, the police at our home in our quiet neighborhood in the wee hours of the morning would be very obvious, embarrassing and awkward (for me and for our kids with their friends finding out), having him get arrested and removed--even for the short-term means that he's no longer able to help with parenting duties of our 3 small kids such as school drop off/pick up, therapies, pm routine (which I need him for as I have no back-up right now), having him arrested and removed would also jeopardize his job for obvious reasons AND my job too as I would have to take off work to get the kids to/from school (i don't have the type of job where I can get there late or leave early..if I cant be there at 630 then i have to call out for the entire day). So having him arrested would automatically shift all the responsibility of our family to my shoulders alone and in the midst of this upsetting chaos I didn't think I could make it work.

I called his mother because I thought she would be able to calm him down. He hadn't hit me at that point, but he was making very disturbing threats (I'll F*** you up, I'm going to put your head thru the wall, if you don't go sleep in another room I'll choke you). Although these were just words, his tone and body language were very intimidating and I wanted to de-escalate the situation. He has a good relationship with his mother and he doesn't like to disappoint her so I thought it a good idea to call her first. When I went to call her, he hit me and the phone fell. I was able to call her a bit later and she was upset, but supportive of me and totally on my side. She did say she would call him (I was in another room by this point) and talk some sense into him and I'm assuming she did because things were quiet the remainder of the night.

When I got up I felt disgusted, humiliated and so angry. The only thing I said to him this morning was that he should arrange alternate living arrangements for himself for the time being because he couldn't stay in our house. His response was "this is our house, so where else would I stay?" I told him I didn't care where he went because I just didn't want to be in the house with a fear of being hit. He said he didn't really hit me, but he hit my hand which caused the phone to hit my face He def did hit me in the face, but even if he hadn't, his verbal abuse was just as bad. Luckily, I was not needed at work so I had the day off and was able to do school drop-off/pick up and look for a new place to live. I also filed for a protective order. I came to dcum last night because I was emotional and confused and needed some direction to help me stabilize...i'm so grateful for all who offered support and advice and helped me gain footing. The experiences of abuse that were posted were especially helpful as I noticed some of the same patterns in our relationship...thanks to all that shared.

I'm hoping to have a workable plan in place in the next week or so...keeping my fingers crossed that nothing else happens before then.

[Anonymous]

Thank you OP for not leaving us hanging.
So sorry for the grief in your life right now.
Wishing you the very best in whatever decisions you make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess his career in the NFL is over. Sorry for the joke.

Back to reality, you need to call the police and report the incident. Domestic violence usually escalates and if you don't intend to leave immediately, then you need to have the evidence for a restraining order, or to press charges if/when you decide to do so. Also, the evidence is protection so that if/when you leave or he leaves, that you have the evidence to assure that you retain custody of your children since he is unstable and violent. Finally, you need to start thinking about a backup plan of what you are going to do if anything even remotely like this happens again. For example, if he goes out drinking and comes home verbally violent, you need to figure out how you are going to get your children and you out of the house or get him out of the house before it escalates to the point that your or the children are severely hurt. Plan now. The more you plan now, the better it will be for you, even if you don't have to use the plans.

If you aren't sure how to plan an escape, the national domestic abuse hotline is 1-800-799-7233 and they can walk you through what you need to plan. Good luck.

Too soon

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so glad you took steps to protect yourself, but I have to say -- why should YOU be the one to leave? HE should be the one to leave. And since he won't, you should get that in the protective order that he is not to come anywhere near you or the kids or your house.

Your husband sounds like a giant asshole. In your shoes, I'd be afraid to let him take the kids to school and back, in case he absconded with them in order to hurt you. Do you have any friends or family who could help out for a few weeks while you make alternate arrangements?

[Anonymous]

Then again, if knocking the cellphone out of your hands is the extent of him hitting you .........

Well, then I think separating 3 young kids from their father is going way to far