My husband just hit me

[Anonymous]

Run, Forrest, run.

[Anonymous]

Is there something sexy about dangerous men? I was unthreatening and had a hell of a time getting dates in high school and (to a lesser extent) in college. The dudes with tempers always seemed to have dates.

Then I hear about the domestic abuse issues. I know the women say they are afraid to leave, and maybe it's as simple as that. But they must have had reasons to start seeing these guys in the first place. The standard response is that the women didn't know the guys in question had rage issues. And again, maybe it's as simple as that - however, most of the ones with tempers seemed pretty easy to pick out. Possibly because it's a survival instinct in a kid who grew up skinny among bigger guys.

My sense has been that women find these guys sexy on some level. If they didn't know, it's because they were wilfully blind to the tempers and rage. And, sometimes, they don't leave when things get bad, but again, there seems to be some willful blindness for a variety of reasons.

And, no, regardless of the dynamics, the women who get hit absolutely don't deserve it. People who hit people should go to jail. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there something sexy about dangerous men? I was unthreatening and had a hell of a time getting dates in high school and (to a lesser extent) in college. The dudes with tempers always seemed to have dates.

Then I hear about the domestic abuse issues. I know the women say they are afraid to leave, and maybe it's as simple as that. But they must have had reasons to start seeing these guys in the first place. The standard response is that the women didn't know the guys in question had rage issues. And again, maybe it's as simple as that - however, most of the ones with tempers seemed pretty easy to pick out. Possibly because it's a survival instinct in a kid who grew up skinny among bigger guys.

My sense has been that women find these guys sexy on some level. If they didn't know, it's because they were wilfully blind to the tempers and rage. And, sometimes, they don't leave when things get bad, but again, there seems to be some willful blindness for a variety of reasons.

And, no, regardless of the dynamics, the women who get hit absolutely don't deserve it. People who hit people should go to jail. Full stop.

It really doesn't sound like you are very informed about domestic violence if you think that you can spot a wifebeater just by looking at them. It usually doesn't start with what the OP described, though you are bound to find examples of situations where the signs were there from the very beginning and were simply ignored. I have been in two abusive relationships - one when I was 16 and one when I was 21. After the first time, I swore I would never be in that position again. When I met the boyfriend who abused me when I was 21, he was a mild mannered art student. He didn't drink. He didn't use drugs. He loved his cat and his family. He wasn't jealous or possessive or obsessive or anything like the other one. He knew about my history with that guy, and found it upsetting that anyone would treat me that way. After about 6 months, his behavior took a turn for the jealous and possessive, such that one evening when I went out to a club with a group of girlfriends and didn't answer my phone when he called, he waited at my apartment and put his fist through a window next to my head. I would never have expected it the day before and the day after, I almost couldn't believe it had actually happened, so I accepted his apology and let it slide, until it happened again.

[Anonymous]

You think the second guy would have escalated from damaging property to causing personal injury? I've pounded walls before for a variety of reasons. The only time I've ever punched a person was in retaliation after the guy broke my nose first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think the second guy would have escalated from damaging property to causing personal injury? I've pounded walls before for a variety of reasons. The only time I've ever punched a person was in retaliation after the guy broke my nose first.

He did escalate. The second time, he hit me instead of a window.

You may not be a violent abuser and the property damage you've caused may not be a warning sign of worse things to come, but if you are seriously suggesting that breaking things out of anger in an argument is NOT a warning sign at all, simply because you've never hit anyone who didn't hit you first, you clearly are missing the point.

When you say things like "it's because they were wilfully blind to the tempers and rage", it sounds an awful lot like you are suggesting that people (not just women) are abused at least partially because they want to be. Which is fucked up.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think the second guy would have escalated from damaging property to causing personal injury? I've pounded walls before for a variety of reasons. The only time I've ever punched a person was in retaliation after the guy broke my nose first.

He did escalate. The second time, he hit me instead of a window.

You may not be a violent abuser and the property damage you've caused may not be a warning sign of worse things to come, but if you are seriously suggesting that breaking things out of anger in an argument is NOT a warning sign at all, simply because you've never hit anyone who didn't hit you first, you clearly are missing the point.

When you say things like "it's because they were wilfully blind to the tempers and rage", it sounds an awful lot like you are suggesting that people (not just women) are abused at least partially because they want to be. Which is fucked up.

Not that they want to be abused, but that they like character traits that are correlated with abuse. They want those character traits (e.g. aggression and confidence) so they turn a blind eye to the correlation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You think the second guy would have escalated from damaging property to causing personal injury? I've pounded walls before for a variety of reasons. The only time I've ever punched a person was in retaliation after the guy broke my nose first.

He did escalate. The second time, he hit me instead of a window.

You may not be a violent abuser and the property damage you've caused may not be a warning sign of worse things to come, but if you are seriously suggesting that breaking things out of anger in an argument is NOT a warning sign at all, simply because you've never hit anyone who didn't hit you first, you clearly are missing the point.

When you say things like "it's because they were wilfully blind to the tempers and rage", it sounds an awful lot like you are suggesting that people (not just women) are abused at least partially because they want to be. Which is fucked up.

Not that they want to be abused, but that they like character traits that are correlated with abuse. They want those character traits (e.g. aggression and confidence) so they turn a blind eye to the correlation.

Actually, I think it's more of an issue of familiarity. Abusive people have a feel of normalcy and a familiar comfort to me. It is just continuing the messages I was told when I was a child. The foreign feel of nice guys makes me distrustful of them. They don't follow the behavior pattern that I find predicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

If you've ever been on the spot like this, often the first thing you think of is calling a family member for help.

[Anonymous]

I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Been there twice. Divorced the 1st man, he put his hands on me several times. Called the police but ended up in jail with him (he had managed to scratched his elbows when throwing me around the house).
Still living with my 2nd partner.He dragged me around the house when I refused to leave 5 am after 12 hour work shift. He was drunk too. Later cried his eyes out and hasn't drank since or put his hands on me.
I don't think OP is BS. It's hard to call the police and at times they can make the situation even worse.Specially when you live in DC.

Well don't you pick winners....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

Of course. All women are exactly the same, and no battered wives or girlfriends ever leave their abusers. Intervention will do no good in the long run. Right.

Please spare me your extremely patronizing, not to mention ill informed, sympathy. You walked by a woman being abused because a completely different woman returned to her abuser after you intervened. Your wife should have lost respect for you. You are certainly under no obligation to intervene, but refusing to intervene because "it would do no good in the long run" is bullshit. I could present you twice as many examples in which intervention made a difference, but you already know that all women make the same bad choices, so why should I bother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

If you've ever been on the spot like this, often the first thing you think of is calling a family member for help.

No... That would be the police. Someone beats your ass and you say, wait, I'm going to call your momma?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, weird jump to calling his mother after 11pm to talk some sense into him. What???

If you've ever been on the spot like this, often the first thing you think of is calling a family member for help.

No... That would be the police. Someone beats your ass and you say, wait, I'm going to call your momma?

Yes. Actually... you don't want your H in jail, or to lose his job and most likely he does not want his parents to know he hits his wife so you call HIS mom or his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an older experienced male that has never figured out the abuse pattern thing. I have taken a position on it though.

Long story made short.
A BF had his live-in GF in the front yard at 2 am. Had her by the hair with a .45 magnum pointed at her head threatening to kill you "bitch" blah blah blah .
I heard this thru my window, ran outside nude other than underwear. Was fresh out of the military with combat experience with a LOT of gun experience. Grabbed my gun and ran up to within perhaps 30 ft where I could pick him off. Told him to freeze or I'd kill him. I didn't have to kill him, but many times since thought perhaps I should have. I took her to a female friends house till the cops arrived. She left her BF for maybe a wk. Moved back in with him. That's when my attitude completely changed.

Another incident.
Walking out of upper end Country Club Restaurant next night after my wife and I were married. A couple were arguing in parking lot. He had her arm twisted behind her back crying. We walked right by. My wife and I haven't spoken about it all these years. I think she lost a little respect for me. I OTOH was so demoralized from the first incident, that I just couldn't stomach getting involved knowing it would do no good in the long run. Knowing that the woman chose him and will likely continue to choose him.

I'm sorry ladies. I just can't get involved anymore to protect you and put myself at risk knowing it will do no good. I'm really really sorry. I do feel bad about it.

OTOH, if you're a woman that's being attacked by a stranger, then I will risk everything including my life to protect you, under any circumstance at all. I will be the first man in the parking lot to jump all over his shit.

You should probably do a little reading on abusive relationships. Your "position" is one of ignorance.