growing up in a house with a lot of yelling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We yell because we love you is complete and utter bullshit!

As is the argue and make up cycle.

DW was raised like this, I was not. As a result her behavior often veers into unacceptable tone and language and it has damaged our relationship, at times to the point where I've told her it must stop or I am done.

Where one who is conditioned by the fight & make up cycle can handle that or look forward to the "making up" part, to others (like me) who weren't raised that way and don't accept the yelling &c., it's just more grains of sand on the pile of negativity that will eventually topple the relationship.

I think DW has realized it to some extent but not fully. Now, rather than engage, if she goes there I just shut her down and tell her I'm disengaging. And I make it clear that I'm not re-engaging as part of the "make up" portion -- that she has to take responsibility, change the behavior, and not assume that it's all OK because it's the next day and she's being nice now.

Sorry I don't have a book to refer you to but good luck getting rid of the toxic approach that this represents.

OP here. My DH did not come from a house where his parents yelled at him so I think he'd be out the door if I behaved the way my parents did. My parents yelled at each other a lot. It was as if they had no problem-solving skills so rather than take a deep breath and figure out how to fix something simply, they verbally thrashed about. Maybe they would have called it their "arguing style;" whatever the heck it was, I could hear each word loud and clear from another floor.

In response to other comments, the yelling I grew up with was not, "Come on kids, let's go! Get your shoes on NOW! We have to leave!" It was an endless slew of accusation and character assassination either toward me and my siblings are my mother toward my father.

Well those are 2 different things. That's what some of the PPs (including me) were trying to say. But even saying "you are stupid" in a calm manner is damaging too. So, it's what a parent says, either in a calm or yelling manner, that matters most. A blanket "yelling is abusive" statement is not true.

OP here. I got that as well. A calm, "you're going to be alone for the rest of your life," "you're your own worst enemy," "aren't you embarrassed for yourself? There's something wrong with you." Not everything was shouted. Those lines usually came after the yelling as part of the more toned down lecture while being forced to sit on the couch for a while.

Yikes. This sounds awful. I am so sorry, OP. Signed, one of the posters here who has admitted she is a yeller and grew up in a yelling household, but never did have any of this type of stuff

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

My DH is like you and I am like your DH, from a family that interacts more passive-aggressively. While suppressing your feelings is not great, what he doesn't get about his style is that "letting it out" is not all that healthy either. Research makes clear that the "pressure" model of emotions--release the valve, reduce the emotion--is not accurate. by letting the emotion wash over you you are reinforcing it. Example, DH yells at other drivers a lot, and he does not see how it just makes him angrier to focus on giving in to the feeling.

I actually think that marriages like ours have the potential to be very healthy, as we can teach each other the value of a different approach to anger. I know DH's attitude has helped me deal more productively with my family's passive aggression.

PP back. Yes, I would agree. I think both DH and I have moved a LITTLE bit closer to the mean, after 10 years of being married to each other. He is a lot more direct at home, within our own family. And I do try to give myself some time to reflect and not just immediately react. But when he's with his original family, he reverts back to their original style and this makes me a little frustrated b/c when we are visiting them, I feel lonely like he's completely turned into a diff. person than the one I married. But, I try to be less outspoken when I visit them, b/c I realize, actually, I'm just the in-law, so I just have to merge in and go with whatever flow they have going on. Shrug.

I think 10 years is actually a great time for you to start speaking up more. You don't mention kids but if you are planning on them soon they can also be a great excuse--it was easier for my DH to handle my family after we had first DD, because he could assert himself in the guise of taking care of her, and nobody could argue. For example, on our last trip, my sister took forever to get going one morning on our way out to breakfast, and instead of saying "hurry the hell up" to her we all sat around and waited. The wait ended up causing DD to miss her nap and the effect on her was noticeable the rest of the day. DH and I talked it through in private, and the next day when my sister started doing the same thing I said "We can't wait around for her today. It will mess with DD's nap and you saw what happened yesterday. We're leaving now and will meet you there." (what DH wanted to do the day before). End result: we were out the door an hour earlier because my mom didn't want to miss granddaughter time and went up and prodded my sister along.

[Anonymous]

NP. How about when there is frequent anger or rage yelling, and later in the day/week/month nobody mentions the incidents, ever? When the fights are not mentioned among the family, and the kids don't get to hear "Let's talk-- I am angry about this" in a normal volume?

--an avoidant

[Anonymous]

OP- there are a lot of worse things than growing up in a yelling household. My dad yelled at me and called me names growing up and acted quite child like in general. I was always able to look over his flaws because I thought at the end of the day he would "always" be there for me. Something unforgivable with him happened when I was 21 and I realized he would not be there for me and that destroyed our relationship.

I yell at my kids more than I should. I expect them to get close to perfect grades and if they don't watch out. I suppose it is because when I was a young adult I realized that I didn't have the emotional support that I should have had growing up and I had to be very self-reliant and I want my kids to be prepared for anything.

No one is perfect. Were your parents more good than bad? At the end of the day, would they really be there for you? If so, consider yourself lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- there are a lot of worse things than growing up in a yelling household. My dad yelled at me and called me names growing up and acted quite child like in general. I was always able to look over his flaws because I thought at the end of the day he would "always" be there for me. Something unforgivable with him happened when I was 21 and I realized he would not be there for me and that destroyed our relationship.

I yell at my kids more than I should. I expect them to get close to perfect grades and if they don't watch out. I suppose it is because when I was a young adult I realized that I didn't have the emotional support that I should have had growing up and I had to be very self-reliant and I want my kids to be prepared for anything.

No one is perfect. Were your parents more good than bad? At the end of the day, would they really be there for you? If so, consider yourself lucky.

Why are you telling OP how to feel? Your experience has nothing to do with hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

OP here again. I agree with you, but in my case, I went through a period where I had trouble with conflicts and always felt like I did something wrong. Even having a boss say he or she needed to talk to me caused a sense of dread because I always felt I was wrong and the cause of something awful (back to the we only do this because you didn't do XYZ and we care so much about you, if you'd only do XYZ...)

I always felt like my parents were passive-aggressive with the people they really needed to fight hard with and reserved the real emotion-- the yelling and berating-- for the kids, the ones who couldn't walk away or fire them.

This is why it's abuse. They were taking out their rage on you because they couldn't get away with it with anyone else and you were smaller and weaker and couldn't get away, not because you deserved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

Same here. I was yelled at all the time, and it did me no harm.

I yell at my kids - but never insult them. I'll yell "Get down here now", not "You are stupid"

[Anonymous]

Let's talk about the distinction between a yell ("Come NOW before we're late!") and a rage-filled yell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

My DH is like you and I am like your DH, from a family that interacts more passive-aggressively. While suppressing your feelings is not great, what he doesn't get about his style is that "letting it out" is not all that healthy either. Research makes clear that the "pressure" model of emotions--release the valve, reduce the emotion--is not accurate. by letting the emotion wash over you you are reinforcing it. Example, DH yells at other drivers a lot, and he does not see how it just makes him angrier to focus on giving in to the feeling.

I actually think that marriages like ours have the potential to be very healthy, as we can teach each other the value of a different approach to anger. I know DH's attitude has helped me deal more productively with my family's passive aggression.

PP back. Yes, I would agree. I think both DH and I have moved a LITTLE bit closer to the mean, after 10 years of being married to each other. He is a lot more direct at home, within our own family. And I do try to give myself some time to reflect and not just immediately react. But when he's with his original family, he reverts back to their original style and this makes me a little frustrated b/c when we are visiting them, I feel lonely like he's completely turned into a diff. person than the one I married. But, I try to be less outspoken when I visit them, b/c I realize, actually, I'm just the in-law, so I just have to merge in and go with whatever flow they have going on. Shrug.

I think 10 years is actually a great time for you to start speaking up more. You don't mention kids but if you are planning on them soon they can also be a great excuse--it was easier for my DH to handle my family after we had first DD, because he could assert himself in the guise of taking care of her, and nobody could argue. For example, on our last trip, my sister took forever to get going one morning on our way out to breakfast, and instead of saying "hurry the hell up" to her we all sat around and waited. The wait ended up causing DD to miss her nap and the effect on her was noticeable the rest of the day. DH and I talked it through in private, and the next day when my sister started doing the same thing I said "We can't wait around for her today. It will mess with DD's nap and you saw what happened yesterday. We're leaving now and will meet you there." (what DH wanted to do the day before). End result: we were out the door an hour earlier because my mom didn't want to miss granddaughter time and went up and prodded my sister along.

Wow, you just described DH's family to a "T". Yes, we have situations like this all the time when we are with his family. I am the one prodding DH in the background saying things like, "What time are we leaving? Should we set a schedule and tell everyone the night before, 'We are leaving at xyz time?'" Etc. But he gets irked at my "trying to control the situation" (as he puts it) and then yes, we have trouble the next day b/c we're up and ready to go and everybody else is just mamsy-pamsying along, wondering what's the big rush and what's the big deal. Practically every decision we come across, when it's in the context of his family environment, goes this way. I'd say he is getting better with speaking up, but it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable about it, and then he'll turn his frustrations and discomfort on me, b/c, you know, it's safe for him to vent his feeling to me b/c I get over it, but he cannot vent his feelings on his own family b/c they'll nurse the grudge for months, people will not speak to each other or avoid each other, etc. I really have never seen anything like it. So when we go there, I am constantly on edge, trying to walk a delicate balance b/w tactfully suggesting things like, "Well, they may not realize that, on a child's schedule, we do have to get up a bit earlier and try to be at the children's museum when it opens at 10 am, b/c DD will be cranky by 1;00 or so and want a rest."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

Same here. I was yelled at all the time, and it did me no harm.

I yell at my kids - but never insult them. I'll yell "Get down here now", not "You are stupid"
[u][i]

+1 Same here.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with a yelling mother and I *hated* it. She often yelled at me about things that were beyond my control and often yelled at me to take out her own frustrations. She would give me a task as a test with no instruction on how to complete it and then yell at me mercilessly because I did it wrong. And as a child, I was absolutely powerless to get her to stop. She had an easy target to yell at to make herself feel better.

As a consequence, I got very good at hiding my feelings and developed a very thick skin. I rarely get things wrong. I am very good at figuring out solutions to complex problems.

I am very aware of this and I rarely ever yell at my own child. I am obviously human and nobody is perfect, but I usually don't raise my voice. And I am very careful not to burden my child with adult expectations of competence.

[Anonymous]

This thread s depressing. And very, very real. My mom pretends the whole thing never happened. She doesn't yell anymore because I will walk out but she still takes shots.

[Anonymous]

Wow, your op and follow-up posts describe my family dynamics so well. We had never-ending violence along with the yelling, but the patterns you describe are incredibly similar.

Sorry you had such a difficult childhood. The fact that you've only recently realized it wasn't appropriate is a strong indicator that therapy should be your next step. It suggests you're unlikely to be aware of the extent to which your childhood is acting on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it. (?) Shrug. I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in. I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on. It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly. But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it. It REALLY makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.

My DH is like you and I am like your DH, from a family that interacts more passive-aggressively. While suppressing your feelings is not great, what he doesn't get about his style is that "letting it out" is not all that healthy either. Research makes clear that the "pressure" model of emotions--release the valve, reduce the emotion--is not accurate. by letting the emotion wash over you you are reinforcing it. Example, DH yells at other drivers a lot, and he does not see how it just makes him angrier to focus on giving in to the feeling.

I actually think that marriages like ours have the potential to be very healthy, as we can teach each other the value of a different approach to anger. I know DH's attitude has helped me deal more productively with my family's passive aggression.

PP back. Yes, I would agree. I think both DH and I have moved a LITTLE bit closer to the mean, after 10 years of being married to each other. He is a lot more direct at home, within our own family. And I do try to give myself some time to reflect and not just immediately react. But when he's with his original family, he reverts back to their original style and this makes me a little frustrated b/c when we are visiting them, I feel lonely like he's completely turned into a diff. person than the one I married. But, I try to be less outspoken when I visit them, b/c I realize, actually, I'm just the in-law, so I just have to merge in and go with whatever flow they have going on. Shrug.

I think 10 years is actually a great time for you to start speaking up more. You don't mention kids but if you are planning on them soon they can also be a great excuse--it was easier for my DH to handle my family after we had first DD, because he could assert himself in the guise of taking care of her, and nobody could argue. For example, on our last trip, my sister took forever to get going one morning on our way out to breakfast, and instead of saying "hurry the hell up" to her we all sat around and waited. The wait ended up causing DD to miss her nap and the effect on her was noticeable the rest of the day. DH and I talked it through in private, and the next day when my sister started doing the same thing I said "We can't wait around for her today. It will mess with DD's nap and you saw what happened yesterday. We're leaving now and will meet you there." (what DH wanted to do the day before). End result: we were out the door an hour earlier because my mom didn't want to miss granddaughter time and went up and prodded my sister along.

Wow, you just described DH's family to a "T". Yes, we have situations like this all the time when we are with his family. I am the one prodding DH in the background saying things like, "What time are we leaving? Should we set a schedule and tell everyone the night before, 'We are leaving at xyz time?'" Etc. But he gets irked at my "trying to control the situation" (as he puts it) and then yes, we have trouble the next day b/c we're up and ready to go and everybody else is just mamsy-pamsying along, wondering what's the big rush and what's the big deal. Practically every decision we come across, when it's in the context of his family environment, goes this way. I'd say he is getting better with speaking up, but it makes him feel extremely uncomfortable about it, and then he'll turn his frustrations and discomfort on me, b/c, you know, it's safe for him to vent his feeling to me b/c I get over it, but he cannot vent his feelings on his own family b/c they'll nurse the grudge for months, people will not speak to each other or avoid each other, etc. I really have never seen anything like it. So when we go there, I am constantly on edge, trying to walk a delicate balance b/w tactfully suggesting things like, "Well, they may not realize that, on a child's schedule, we do have to get up a bit earlier and try to be at the children's museum when it opens at 10 am, b/c DD will be cranky by 1;00 or so and want a rest."

I can't tell, do you have kids or not? Does it not work to appeal to the kids' schedule?

My DH got through to me by pointing out when we weren't around family how weird the patterns were when we were. Then when we were and weird things happened, he was referencing earlier conversations and not making new points, if that makes sense.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a home where there was a lot of yelling, unhappiness, manipulation was the main form of communication.

I can't help but repeat the cycle with my DC and DH although I promised myself I wouldn't do it. I yell about small things, for DC it's spilling milk or getting ready for school. It happens out of my control. I apologize afterwards, but I still do it.

I don't know how to get rid of this. If anyone has any suggestions please share.