growing up in a house with a lot of yelling
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure if this is just a result of becoming a parent, but over these past few months it's been occurring to me that I grew up in a really dysfunctional household with quite a bit of manipulation. If you ask my parents about my childhood and how they raised me and my siblings, they would insist that they were devoted, loving parents who sacrificed everything for their children, made sure their kids had good values and went to church. But lately, what I'm remembering more and more, is an unbelievable amount of yelling. Crazy, out of control, they should have been embarrassed of themselves, yelling. At least a few times a week, I or one of my siblings was yelled at, and I'm not talking a minute or two of reprimanding, get to your room or no TV tonight for you, I'm talking an hour or more of "get down here NOW!" drama over something said by my pre-teen sister that was turned into a big issue or drama over my not doing something I was told to do.
None of us were bad kids... just kids but decent kids who did well at school and stayed away from drugs and drinking and had friends who were just as boring and nerdy as we could be. We all went to college and made something of ourselves (but I cannot attribute that to my parents tough love psychotic yelling). We weren't perfect kids, but we were far from trouble. Strange thing was, I felt like we were treated like we were bad all the time because of all of the yelling and constant tension. I was the girl who usually sat in her room reading a book with a handful of brainy friends and had only one boyfriend in senior year yet based on the amount of times I was yelling at for things that in hindsight, I would never get my blood pressure up over as a parent nor spend hours on. Sometimes I wonder if they needed to yell so much, if it was the only way they knew how to feel power and control being that they had little control over their work lives and were too afraid to make changes and take risks. In some ways, I felt bullied. What I remember most about the yelling is that it was always part of a weird cycle-- scream and yell and then, by 9-10 pm, being summoned downstairs to talk about what happened and then, the big, "we get mad like this because we love you!" It was sort of like one of those Family Ties episodes where the Meridith Baxter mom character yells at and slaps Alex only to make up after toward the end of the show but it took a LOT longer in my family to resolve an issue. That's always how it went in my family. Yelling and saying mean things and then, "but we love you and just want the best for you, and don't you see, we're good, god-loving people who take you to church because we care so much. To this day, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. They'd never categorize it as abuse, I guarantee you. It would be more like, well, we worked so hard and sacrificed so much, we just worried and you got us so upset. But we love you and it wasn't so bad, was it! 
Anyone go through this? How do you reconcile it now as a parent? I've been to therapy before but lately, all I can say is, wow. I can't believe how f-Ked up it all wa. Recommend any good books on dealing with a household with so much yelling? |
Anonymous
| My experience was very similar. It has affected my romantic relationships and really how I relate to just about everyone. I see any criticism or disagreement as an attack. I try to be conscious of it but it's very, very difficult. My parents also seemingly have no idea that anything was ever wrong, but I find that hard to believe, especially given that my mother works with at-risk children in the public schools. |
Anonymous
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Having kids also made me see how important being healthy is. In my childhood household, the yelling and emotional abuse went on until I left the house, and then again every time i came home as an adult, so it is front and center in my mind. In my current household, we live in peace and have for a long time. I think that's the childhood my children deserve and will remember, although in the early years, I yelled more than I wanted to, i think from lack of sleep. Not as bad as what I experienced growing up but more than I wanted for my kids.
I also got physically abused in a way that my mother in particular is really ashamed of. She hit me and my siblings in the head so hard we literally couldn't see for several seconds at a time. But she is in "deny, deny, deny" mode which is basically a source of ongoing pain, plus the ongoing craziness she dishes out. I am estranged from my family. It's the healthiest thing I could have done and wish i had done it years ago, before i had kids. |
Anonymous
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We yell because we love you is complete and utter bullshit!
As is the argue and make up cycle. DW was raised like this, I was not. As a result her behavior often veers into unacceptable tone and language and it has damaged our relationship, at times to the point where I've told her it must stop or I am done. Where one who is conditioned by the fight & make up cycle can handle that or look forward to the "making up" part, to others (like me) who weren't raised that way and don't accept the yelling &c., it's just more grains of sand on the pile of negativity that will eventually topple the relationship. I think DW has realized it to some extent but not fully. Now, rather than engage, if she goes there I just shut her down and tell her I'm disengaging. And I make it clear that I'm not re-engaging as part of the "make up" portion -- that she has to take responsibility, change the behavior, and not assume that it's all OK because it's the next day and she's being nice now. Sorry I don't have a book to refer you to but good luck getting rid of the toxic approach that this represents. |
Anonymous
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I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling, either at me or at other members. But, I have to keep in my some things:
1. Parents 30+ yrs ago didn't have as many resources as we do today regarding the "right" way to parent, and the negative impacts of certain things. Remember, in the 60's, 70's, pregnancy books stated to smoke to relax, or drink a glass of wine. Those were definitely different times. 2. Regardless of whether your parents yelled at you, I think most parents do love their kids. parents are not perfect, today or back then. It's hard to break a cycle; it's hard to break the culture. If that's how your parents grew up, if that was the social norm back then, then they won't ever see it the way you do. I have to just remember that my parents did the best they could with what they had. This isn't to excuse this kind of behavior. Rather, it's for me to remember that no parent is perfect, including me, and I'm learning to be a better parent as I go along. Wouldn't it be great if we were all perfect parents from day 1? But it doesn't happen that way. It's good you recognize how it affected you and that you don't want to repeat it. This is where the cycle can be broken. |
Anonymous
PP here.. sorry should be "MINE" not "MY". |
Anonymous
MIND
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Anonymous
| What is said is important too. For me, yelling is about volume. If you are just raising your voice but not saying mean and derogatory things, it is different. If you are lowering your voice butt saying mean and derogatory things, then that is harmful. |
Anonymous
You sound like a yeller. |
Anonymous
I think there is some point to this. If you yell "I told you to do xyz"! That's not the same as one hour of yelling at a kid for a simple "kid" thing. If I calmly say "You are stupid." That's pretty damaging. |
Anonymous
But why do you need to raise your voice for that? Because you want them to know how angry you are? How is that helpful? Also maybe an adult can see the distinction but a child is much less likely to. |
Anonymous
So they actually put on their shoes, which they didn't do the first five times you said it at normal volume? Because you are late and that means nothing to them? Because they are talking over you instead of listening? I'm one of the PPs who grew up in a yelling household and don't want that for my kids, but I think occasional yelling is normal. You don't want your kids to think other adults, like teachers or coaches, will tolerate them doing things on their own timetable or talking over them and not get mad. |
Anonymous
Yes, to all this, especially when the kids are talking non-stop and being loud. I do tell them to get ready or do whatever in a normal voice. But after the first 5 times of this, and they still don't hear me because they are being loud and not listening, yes, I yell it at the top of my lungs so I know they will hear me. And yes, I yell "I told you to do xyz" when I get annoyed after telling them 5 times to do it. I also let them eat junk food sometimes, have a little treat like a small cup of ice cream or a little piece of candy almost everyday, and gasp, I have even spanked them a few times in their lives. I don't pretend I'm a perfect parent, but I know and they know I love them lots. |
Anonymous
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loud vs yelling two different things. I am loud, like let's go guys time to go, dinner , etc
yelling you are a dumb shot, you are going to end up in jail etc.. -yelling not good unless they are going to go to jail. |
Anonymous
True. |