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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I grew up in a yelling household and I don't really mind it.  (?)  Shrug.  I am kind of a yeller too and don't really rein myself in, b/c I don't really feel I was that affected by it on the other end, when I was a child?

It bothers me MORE when people do NOT get their emotions out and just keep a situation bottled in.  I think it's better to deal with a situation, get over it, and move on.  It bothers me in my DH's family when everyone is passive-aggressive and never raises an issue directly.  But it's absolutely there, and everyone knows it, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out the dynamic where no one will do anything about it.   It REALLY makes me uncomfortable.  I feel like I walk around keeping my lips closed and I feel words just ready to spill out of my mouth, b/c I am soo unused to this dynamic.[/quote]

My DH is like you and I am like your DH, from a family that interacts more passive-aggressively. While suppressing your feelings is not great, what he doesn't get about his style is that "letting it out" is not all that healthy either. Research makes clear that the "pressure" model of emotions--release the valve, reduce the emotion--is not accurate. by letting the emotion wash over you you are reinforcing it.  Example, DH yells at other drivers a lot, and he does not see how it just makes him angrier to focus on giving in to the feeling.

I actually think that marriages like ours have the potential to be very healthy, as we can teach each other the value of a different approach to anger. I know DH's attitude has helped me deal more productively with my family's passive aggression. [/quote]

PP back.  Yes, I would agree.  I think both DH and I have moved a LITTLE bit closer to the mean, after 10 years of being married to each other.  He is a lot more direct at home, within our own family.  And I do try to give myself some time to reflect and not just immediately react. ;)  But when he's with his original family, he reverts back to their original style and this makes me a little frustrated b/c when we are visiting them, I feel lonely like he's completely turned into a diff. person than the one I married.  But, I try to be less outspoken when I visit them, b/c I realize, actually, I'm just the in-law, so I just have to merge in and go with whatever flow they have going on.  Shrug. [/quote]

I think 10 years is actually a great time for you to start speaking up more. You don't mention kids but if you are planning on them soon they can also be a great excuse--it was easier for my DH to handle my family after we had first DD, because he could assert himself in the guise of taking care of her, and nobody could argue. For example, on our last trip, my sister took forever to get going one morning on our way out to breakfast, and instead of saying "hurry the hell up" to her we all sat around and waited. The wait ended up causing DD to miss her nap and the effect on her was noticeable the rest of the day. DH and I talked it through in private, and the next day when my sister started doing the same thing I said "We can't wait around for her today. It will mess with DD's nap and you saw what happened yesterday. We're leaving now and will meet you there." (what DH wanted to do the day before).  End result: we were out the door an hour earlier because my mom didn't want to miss granddaughter time and went up and prodded my sister along.[/quote]

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