Anything a father can or should say to 14 yo dd about boys

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Simple: Teenage boys are driven by hormones. They will say anything and to anything to get off. Be careful.

When people say this, they are basically saying, "Teenage boys are potential rapists who think of girls as a collection of body parts."

PP here. I am male. I know this typical. I am not saying they are Rapists/Potential Rapists, but they will pressure for sex....there is a difference. The message is not that men are rapists, it is that hormones are powerful.

If you do not believe that, you have never been a teenage boy.

So...you're saying all teenage boys will pressure girls to have sex? That's simply not true. Raising children to believe it is true allows boys to believe it's acceptable ("it's just hormones!") and out of their control.

I dated boys, married one, and am raising two of them. I also had an amazing father who never, ever suggested to me that this is how boys are or that girls have some additional responsibility to fend boys off because boys just can't help it. He helped me navigate relationships (with boys and girls) in a million simple ways when I was growing up. Which meant that when I was 14 and asked out on a date (by a very sweet boy), my parents and I were able to have an honest, productive conversation about it. My dad initially didn't want me to go, but we talked for a long time about it--what the date would involve, the kind of person he was, what it meant to "date," etc. And my father ended up agreeing to let me go.

The reason we could have that conversation, in the moment, is because my parents taught me how to make good decisions and to believe in my own value rather than lecturing me with scary stories about boys.

OP, I think this is less about specific conversations about boys and more about cultivating a really strong relationship with your girls. That's the way to ensure that you can have meaningful, productive conversations with them about the different challenges that arise in their lives.

(Also, encourage them to play sports. Coach them, if you can.)

[Anonymous]

I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

I have never been a male teenager. However, I would not assume that all male teenagers think the same thing. Also, I do know what some male teenagers do -- specifically, the many male teenagers I have known, in my life. Have all male teenagers I have known in my life pressured girls to have sex and said and done anything to get off? No, they haven't. In fact, many of them have explicitly not done this.

Which is a good thing, because people who pressure people to have sex and say and do anything to get off are, at best, potential rapists. At worst, they are actual rapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, OP - please don't say anything! My dad totally embarrassed me at that age ... told me I should speak with him if I needed contraception, etc. I was years off needing that talk.

Just be open and friendly to her and her friends - boys included. Don't embarrass her!!!

I do agree with PP not to talk about contraception, etc--that's for mom or another female. But you are a male, so you are the family authority on males. You were a adolescent boy once so you can point out that you have an understanding that women do not have.

My DD is younger than yours, but my DH is going to get into what's going on with guys developmentally, and help with the issue that to some boys, girls are just things to be used; and conversely there are some boys who are lovestruck and how to be kind to them…anyways all of it. All about the male. That's your expertise, where your insight and wisdom will prove invaluable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

I have never been a male teenager. However, I would not assume that all male teenagers think the same thing. Also, I do know what some male teenagers do -- specifically, the many male teenagers I have known, in my life. Have all male teenagers I have known in my life pressured girls to have sex and said and done anything to get off? No, they haven't. In fact, many of them have explicitly not done this.

Which is a good thing, because people who pressure people to have sex and say and do anything to get off are, at best, potential rapists. At worst, they are actual rapists.

There is pressure, and there is pressure. The pressure I am talking about is progressing until the girl gives some indication that it is too far, either through physical actions (moving the hand), or by saying no. That is neither a rapist nor a potential rapist. And it is quite common.

Right or wrong, that is the reality. I want my daughter to understand that. The safest thing to do is to define what you will do -- in your mind -- and stick with it and communicate it (at the appropriate time).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

I have never been a male teenager. However, I would not assume that all male teenagers think the same thing. Also, I do know what some male teenagers do -- specifically, the many male teenagers I have known, in my life. Have all male teenagers I have known in my life pressured girls to have sex and said and done anything to get off? No, they haven't. In fact, many of them have explicitly not done this.

Which is a good thing, because people who pressure people to have sex and say and do anything to get off are, at best, potential rapists. At worst, they are actual rapists.

There is pressure, and there is pressure. The pressure I am talking about is progressing until the girl gives some indication that it is too far, either through physical actions (moving the hand), or by saying no. That is neither a rapist nor a potential rapist. And it is quite common.

Right or wrong, that is the reality. I want my daughter to understand that. The safest thing to do is to define what you will do -- in your mind -- and stick with it and communicate it (at the appropriate time).

I hope that you want your son to understand that too, if you have one.

The model where the boy keeps going until the girl says no is bad, wrong, and dangerous. Boys and girls both need to know that consent means saying or demonstrating yes; not saying no does not constitute consent. Girls need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate yes, if that's how they feel. And boys need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate no, if that's how they feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

I have never been a male teenager. However, I would not assume that all male teenagers think the same thing. Also, I do know what some male teenagers do -- specifically, the many male teenagers I have known, in my life. Have all male teenagers I have known in my life pressured girls to have sex and said and done anything to get off? No, they haven't. In fact, many of them have explicitly not done this.

Which is a good thing, because people who pressure people to have sex and say and do anything to get off are, at best, potential rapists. At worst, they are actual rapists.

There is pressure, and there is pressure. The pressure I am talking about is progressing until the girl gives some indication that it is too far, either through physical actions (moving the hand), or by saying no. That is neither a rapist nor a potential rapist. And it is quite common.

Right or wrong, that is the reality. I want my daughter to understand that. The safest thing to do is to define what you will do -- in your mind -- and stick with it and communicate it (at the appropriate time).

I hope that you want your son to understand that too, if you have one.

The model where the boy keeps going until the girl says no is bad, wrong, and dangerous. Boys and girls both need to know that consent means saying or demonstrating yes; not saying no does not constitute consent. Girls need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate yes, if that's how they feel. And boys need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate no, if that's how they feel.

I do not have a son. If I did, the advice would be to not pressure -- safest thing to do is to enjoy the person. Focus on communication; talking, laughing...fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how mothers know what the teen male mind is thinking....

I have never been a male teenager. However, I would not assume that all male teenagers think the same thing. Also, I do know what some male teenagers do -- specifically, the many male teenagers I have known, in my life. Have all male teenagers I have known in my life pressured girls to have sex and said and done anything to get off? No, they haven't. In fact, many of them have explicitly not done this.

Which is a good thing, because people who pressure people to have sex and say and do anything to get off are, at best, potential rapists. At worst, they are actual rapists.

There is pressure, and there is pressure. The pressure I am talking about is progressing until the girl gives some indication that it is too far, either through physical actions (moving the hand), or by saying no. That is neither a rapist nor a potential rapist. And it is quite common.

Right or wrong, that is the reality. I want my daughter to understand that. The safest thing to do is to define what you will do -- in your mind -- and stick with it and communicate it (at the appropriate time).

I hope that you want your son to understand that too, if you have one.

The model where the boy keeps going until the girl says no is bad, wrong, and dangerous. Boys and girls both need to know that consent means saying or demonstrating yes; not saying no does not constitute consent. Girls need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate yes, if that's how they feel. And boys need to know that it's ok to say or demonstrate no, if that's how they feel.

I do not have a son. If I did, the advice would be to not pressure -- safest thing to do is to enjoy the person. Focus on communication; talking, laughing...fun.

But, see, the idea that you have to tell a boy not to pressure assumes that boys are naturally aggressive. All of this "it's just how boys are" is not true. The boys I dated didn't pressure me. The boys who pressure girls are raised to be aggressive in other ways, too; if you have to tell your son not to pressure a girl, it's probably too late. He's been raised to be aggressive and dominant and to believe that's part of being a boy.

My husband and his brother were raised the same way my parents raised me--to be thoughtful and respectful of others, and to communicate clearly about what you want and don't want (in all things--not just sex, obviously). We're doing the same thing with our boys.

[Anonymous]

What about girls who pressure boys into having sex. Please talk to your daughter about that. Don't throw yourself at boys.

[Anonymous]

I think teaching girls the warning signs of controlling boys is super important.

[Anonymous]

Tell her you love her and always will. Tell her if any hurts her you will be there for her. Tell her you are one man that will always be a part of her life. Tell her you can help her overcome anything, even if she thinks she can't handle it. Tell her you will be strong for her when she can't be for herself. Hug her every day. (All things I wish my father had done)

[Anonymous]

I think girls and boys have to be taught HOW to say no, not just that they can/should say no. It is not just about the words, and they need to know what to do when the words don't work. I wish more movies would show the action-stopping action to help get the message across.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think girls and boys have to be taught HOW to say no, not just that they can/should say no. It is not just about the words, and they need to know what to do when the words don't work. I wish more movies would show the action-stopping action to help get the message across.

I agree. I have coached my teen daughter on how to get out of situations she doesn't want to be in, with a boy, at a party, etc., giving her a "tool kit" of language to use or things to do when she feels pressured/uncomfortable. We've role played...if this happens, what do you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Simple: Teenage boys are driven by hormones. They will say anything and to anything to get off. Be careful.

When people say this, they are basically saying, "Teenage boys are potential rapists who think of girls as a collection of body parts."

PP here. I am male. I know this typical. I am not saying they are Rapists/Potential Rapists, but they will pressure for sex....there is a difference. The message is not that men are rapists, it is that hormones are powerful.

If you do not believe that, you have never been a teenage boy.

What is the difference? If you're willing to "pressure for sex", you don't particularly care whether or not your partner truly consents. And what is sex without consent?

You obviously are too biased to see the value of being accurately informed.

[Anonymous]

Tell her that boys are only interested on one thing and it isn't her brain. Tell her that boys this age (and until on their death bed) think between n their legs.