Anything a father can or should say to 14 yo dd about boys
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Anonymous
Haha, yes, pretty much...my DH also confess to the sane kind of feelings when he was a young boy. |
Anonymous
I hope you and your husband have had a long, thorough conversation with your son about consent. |
Anonymous
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I come from a very conservative culture and was shocked when I heard that in 5th grade sex is covered under "health" education. That was the time I decided to have very frank conversations about sex with my DD. That conversation has continued since then (she is a senior in HS). She does not date or have boyfriends. However, she has a large circle of friends (boys and girls) and she is very social. I trust her completely and she is a person who will try her best to make good choices.
She has challenged all the things that my culture values - virginity, monogamous relationships, no premarital sex, strong marriage, no divorce etc. - and I have had to really give her the answers that takes into account her upbringing and reality in this country. If I do not want her to have sex, I can not tell her that it is so because virginity is treasures, or sex is bad or she will bring shame to the family etc. These things have no value and meaning. I have to tell her frankly how sex now will impact her negatively in the long run in a logical manner, and in a way that my explanation can stand up to scrutiny from her. Thankfully, she is exposed to many cautionary tales in HS about how girls get burned when they decide to have sex, and each of these sorry tales actually bolsters my claim about how the teen boy's brain works. |
Anonymous
When people say this, they are basically saying, "Teenage boys are potential rapists who think of girls as a collection of body parts." |
Anonymous
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Goodness, people, please don't oversimplify! It's insulting to these boys and girls. Some teen boys may seek to have sex above all things, not all. One father in our circle intimated that this is what he was like as a teen. Some don't. DH and DS have Asperger's tendencies, and DH, according to himself and his brothers, took a long time to mature in that regard. I expect the same will happen with DS. The interest in girls will be delayed by 10 years. And some teen girls are interested in boys, and some aren't. OP, if you think your daughter is not interested in boys just yet, then no need to explain in detail. But always be receptive to what is going on in her life, and strive for complete trust, so that when you feel the moment is coming, you can offer some guidance. Keep track of her girl friends, who are her greatest source of peer pressure: are they dating and perhaps going all the way? It's hard to be an involved father with a daughter in this day and age, when any male involvement with teen girls is seen as creepy. Trust is key to hold conversations with your daughter. |
Anonymous
| I'm happy this topic came up, as my DS is just starting to think about girls and he confides in me a little. I want to be sure I don't mess that up. So far so good but I'm winging it here, as my parents were stern and unapproachable. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thx for replies. Yes, I have a daughter/3 actually! And i have a pretty good relationship with the oldest whom this thread was about.
I admit not being totally in tune w all her instagraming etc. My wife follows her activities in social media/ devices- so that is good. I like the posts about trust and just keeping a good relationship. I believe, navigating friendships and ultimately dating with the opposite sex is a huge issue for many if not most kids of both sexes. I know my inclination as a kid was to discuss none of this with either parent, probably bc I was shy /embarrassed to discuss such things. but I think our house is a bit more open- largely due to my great wife! Ultimately, I want what any other parent wants- for her to be happy and to figure out how to navigate dating/boys without getting hurt. |
Anonymous
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Yeah!
The dad can tell his daughter that most boys aren't bad kids, but like any kid--or any person--they can make mistakes. Sometimes big mistakes. Our job as people is to help them not make mistakes, and to stand up for ourselves (and by association, them) when we're going down the wrong path. Also remind her that in our culture, sometimes girls (and boys, too, but maybe not as often) feel like they should get boys to like them. But the reality is, that is really NO BIG DEAL. And then the dad can honestly recount where he made mistakes, where he did the right thing, and how he treats the women and girls in his life--and how we wants his daughter to be treated. By everyone, boys or girls. The DD just needs to know she has good people on her side. 
As for birth control and stuff--well, it's okay to bring it up. You can offer books, and also say, hey, this isn't the kind of thing that you'll probably need for awhile. But who knows, you might have friends who do. Here's how you can find the answers (give book) and say that you're ALWAYS around to answer any questions at all! Personally, my parents (mostly my mom) just talked with us, whether we asked questions or not. They were always a few steps ahead, and they acknowledged that. I remember my parents once telling me that if I ever got pregnant, they would be willing to help me raise the child and even send us both to school (even though they were pro-choice politically). That came totally out of LEFT FIELD (I wasn't anywhere near pregnancy-risky behavior), but I never forgot it. They also asked me when I started dating--does he treat you with respect and dignity? Do you treat him with respect and dignity? Can you disagree and even argue without getting really mean? Does he listen to your feelings? Does he make you feel smart? Those were great questions.
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Anonymous
| BE SAFE, be responsible, don't do anything you don't want to do, TALK TO A TRUSTED ADULT if you're thinking about becoming sexually active. |
Anonymous
PP here. I am male. I know this typical. I am not saying they are Rapists/Potential Rapists, but they will pressure for sex....there is a difference. The message is not that men are rapists, it is that hormones are powerful. If you do not believe that, you have never been a teenage boy. |
Anonymous
What is the difference? If you're willing to "pressure for sex", you don't particularly care whether or not your partner truly consents. And what is sex without consent? |
Anonymous
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I think in any continuing conversation with a son or daughter it is important to talk about the importance of being your own person and not be pressured into anything in a relationship or doing so to another be it sex, drugs, alcohol etc. Letting one know that peer pressure is just a hard part of life at their age. For a daughter of any age, it is equally important to remind her that drinking or doing drugs can so easily "cloud her judgement" and get her into a situation she would not want. Also, to be in any compromising situation with fellow teen - male or female - is always to be putting yourself in an opportunity to be photographed and shared locally or for the world. Girls can also seem like they are "asking for it" by how they dress at any age, and with younger teens and raging hormones, wardrobe may well help light the fire. Even in college, the professor's view can be very interesting nowadays from front and rear .... Given so many clothes for school are trashy today and in appropriate, but again helping a daughter make good choices in what she wears, who she associates with, what she wants to be doing for herself are all a part of helping her find values and a lifestyle for herself. And, you do have to have some flexibility - my husband on a bike ride yesterday mentioned some middle schooler was at the bus stop with blue hair!! |
Anonymous
Difference between begging/pleading for consent and rape. |
Anonymous
Please, please read up on consent. "Consent" given under pressure is not consent. But the good news is that "All teenage boys will pressure for sex" is factually incorrect. |
Anonymous
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go watch boyhood.
the father (Ethan Hawke) did a great job on this topic. uncomfortable to watch but I think it was done very well. |