i hate my DH at the in-laws house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again - now that I have a minute... DH drifts into a very negative cycle - starts talking about how bad out kids are (3 and 5) out loud, I front of them. Mostly picking on the 3 yr old. 3 yr old is not the best human on the planet, but he's pretty average for 3. DH does it bc ILs aren't around kids and they get flustered and ask - out loud - what's wrong with our kids. They like the kids best immobile and zombied in front of tv (then they go on and on about how they wish we'd leave them here for a week). DH will be negative about DC - damn those free museums; they stink. Etc. All this stuff that just isn't true. Just lots of negativity. And snark ones towards me - to his mom "mom, DW can't possibly eat at that restaurant. It's a chain. She's sooo snobby." (This when I vetoed mcdonalds bc we ate it for lunch the last two days in a row) all the non-stop negativity really pushes my buttons.

And he's not like this AT ALL at home???

So bizarre!

[Anonymous]

This is part of the reason I stopped planning to spend time with my MIL. I plan the obligatory events. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays. Beyond that I don't make any plans. If my husband wants to spend time with her, he can arrange it. Every now and then he will announce that "we" need to spend more time with his mom. Internally, I think, "why so we can watch the game show channel together and eat meals together without speaking to one another?" Out loud I say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think people have really weird expectations of how things should be when they get married. Like you and your spouse start a completely new life, and it's you and only you from now on.

But that's not realistic, and I think pretty wrong. You get married understanding and accepting that the family is expanding and growing, and you are sharing your with your spouse - but you're not starting anew. Your spouse isn't going to change and you should not expect them to change just because you get married. Their family of origin is still a big part of their life. While the focus may change, you don't abandon that "old" part of yourself.

Some of you have some really bizarre conceptions of how your spouses should change their birth family, just because you get married. When you get married to someone, you embrace and accept people for who they are, including the "baggage" (like in laws). If that's how things always are, you can't expect someone to completely change.

Agreed but this only works if both sides think the same. Usually not, and the only person to get lecture with this is the one that has enough and vents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is part of the reason I stopped planning to spend time with my MIL. I plan the obligatory events. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays. Beyond that I don't make any plans. If my husband wants to spend time with her, he can arrange it. Every now and then he will announce that "we" need to spend more time with his mom. Internally, I think, "why so we can watch the game show channel together and eat meals together without speaking to one another?" Out loud I say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing.

+100000

OMG. We share the same MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

Please, my husband and I are super happy and have a great marriage and I've said to him "you're being an ass, you know that?" You and your spouse always tiptoe around each other and call it respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people have really weird expectations of how things should be when they get married. Like you and your spouse start a completely new life, and it's you and only you from now on.

But that's not realistic, and I think pretty wrong. You get married understanding and accepting that the family is expanding and growing, and you are sharing your with your spouse - but you're not starting anew. Your spouse isn't going to change and you should not expect them to change just because you get married. Their family of origin is still a big part of their life. While the focus may change, you don't abandon that "old" part of yourself.

Some of you have some really bizarre conceptions of how your spouses should change their birth family, just because you get married. When you get married to someone, you embrace and accept people for who they are, including the "baggage" (like in laws). If that's how things always are, you can't expect someone to completely change.

Agreed but this only works if both sides think the same. Usually not, and the only person to get lecture with this is the one that has enough and vents.

Rightfully so!

While no family is perfect, you don't have to be an arsehole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is part of the reason I stopped planning to spend time with my MIL. I plan the obligatory events. Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays. Beyond that I don't make any plans. If my husband wants to spend time with her, he can arrange it. Every now and then he will announce that "we" need to spend more time with his mom. Internally, I think, "why so we can watch the game show channel together and eat meals together without speaking to one another?" Out loud I say, "You are so right!" And then I do nothing.

+100000

OMG. We share the same MIL

No, you share a husband and I wish I could join your share arrangement. Mine goes to see MIL every week. MIL does not want to see me ever, so it works for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

Please, my husband and I are super happy and have a great marriage and I've said to him "you're being an ass, you know that?" You and your spouse always tiptoe around each other and call it respect?

What names does he call you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people have really weird expectations of how things should be when they get married. Like you and your spouse start a completely new life, and it's you and only you from now on.

But that's not realistic, and I think pretty wrong. You get married understanding and accepting that the family is expanding and growing, and you are sharing your with your spouse - but you're not starting anew. Your spouse isn't going to change and you should not expect them to change just because you get married. Their family of origin is still a big part of their life. While the focus may change, you don't abandon that "old" part of yourself.

Some of you have some really bizarre conceptions of how your spouses should change their birth family, just because you get married. When you get married to someone, you embrace and accept people for who they are, including the "baggage" (like in laws). If that's how things always are, you can't expect someone to completely change.

Agreed but this only works if both sides think the same. Usually not, and the only person to get lecture with this is the one that has enough and vents.

If you are a man you embrace the woman you married for who she is. If you are a woman you try and change the man into who you want him to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again - now that I have a minute... DH drifts into a very negative cycle - starts talking about how bad out kids are (3 and 5) out loud, I front of them. Mostly picking on the 3 yr old. 3 yr old is not the best human on the planet, but he's pretty average for 3. DH does it bc ILs aren't around kids and they get flustered and ask - out loud - what's wrong with our kids. They like the kids best immobile and zombied in front of tv (then they go on and on about how they wish we'd leave them here for a week). DH will be negative about DC - damn those free museums; they stink. Etc. All this stuff that just isn't true. Just lots of negativity. And snark ones towards me - to his mom "mom, DW can't possibly eat at that restaurant. It's a chain. She's sooo snobby." (This when I vetoed mcdonalds bc we ate it for lunch the last two days in a row) all the non-stop negativity really pushes my buttons.

And he's not like this AT ALL at home???

So bizarre!

I have seen this before. Honestly -- lots of Asian men I know are like this at "home" and I've seen it first hand as well. I doubt it's limited to Asians and probably includes all sons who are trying to put on a certain "image" for their parents. For example -- their parents mis remember toddlers/pre schoolers as angels who speak when spoken to and otherwise just sit quietly; then when the grandparents get a little antsy at the grandkids being loud/energetic -- DH will say "I know -- their behavior is terrible" with an undertone that it's not how HE would raise kids, it's what the wife is allowing. If the parents think all moms should be SAHMs -- DH will say "I know -- I don't want her to work, it makes our family life so much harder but she won't quit," even when they privately agree with the wife that working or not is her choice. Criticism of DC isn't shocking either; it's their way of saying "oh believe me mom, I'd live here in Des Moines if I could, DC sucks but it's where my job is so what can I do" -- even in cases where the reality is that they are choosing NOT to be in Des Moines.

Sorry to say it but this kind of behavior won't change. You can lecture him or yell or whatever at home, and he will even get on the same page with you at home and agree that the kids are well behaved and DC is the best choice for the family or whatever, but I've seen too many men -- who when they get around their parents -- forget all that bc they are people pleasing. Easiest way is to not go sometimes, if that would be "allowable" without major fighting between you and DH.

[Anonymous]

My husband totally regresses too. We get nothing done, no adult conversations. He lapses into how he acted as a teenager, just works and studies while his mom dotes on him. It's pathetic.
And when they visit us he disappears as well! He response is, oh, now there's more people to do the household stuff, bye!
Again, pathetic and immature. She's really done a number on him. Meanwhile he never learned how to fix things, run a household, pay bills, join a sports team, tidy up stuff into the hamper, or even what a dipstick is to check the car oil! I used to think it was because he was big city European. But now I know it's because his mom made him be one-dimensional: book smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband totally regresses too. We get nothing done, no adult conversations. He lapses into how he acted as a teenager, just works and studies while his mom dotes on him. It's pathetic.
And when they visit us he disappears as well! He response is, oh, now there's more people to do the household stuff, bye!
Again, pathetic and immature. She's really done a number on him. Meanwhile he never learned how to fix things, run a household, pay bills, join a sports team, tidy up stuff into the hamper, or even what a dipstick is to check the car oil! I used to think it was because he was big city European. But now I know it's because his mom made him be one-dimensional: book smart. [/quot

Omg we are married to the same man. I'm so sorry for us.

[Anonymous]

My husband also regresses when we see his family--he turns back into a 12 year old boy. At home he cleans, does dishes, cooks-- is a true partner. With his family it is as if he has no idea how to do ANYTHING. It is very much the woman clean up/cook/everything the men watch tv, relax. However he is still great with our children in front of them. He also reverts back to not being able to question/stand up to/challenge his parents at all...they have not progressed to an adult relationship, very much still the parent/child dynamic. It used to infuriate me, his father would say something disrespectful/manipulative/ridiculous ( an example: I work out of the house and he would constantly make disparaging comments regarding this and my children)--while my husband would say nothing. It has caused many arguments/discussions in our 10 year marriage. I have recently taken to the same frame of mind as a PP and I highly suggest it. Let DH plan trips/visits ( they happen a lot less frequent)...and as often as you can plan for middle ground/have them come to you and stay in a hotel, or when you go there don't stay with them. When we do have to visit DHs home we now stay with a college friend of ours or a friend of his parents who have a guest house..we say we need more room with the kids, but honestly it has made the interactions so much more bearable. Good luck OP, you are not alone. I know it sucks, I hate seeing a version of my husband that I don't even like. We have a great marriage are genuinely happy and I love him with all my heart, but the version of him with his parents is not that man and its always tough/infuriating.

[Anonymous]

9:05 - ITA. DH's family flaunts their lack of social skills. It's nauseating. Let DH "vacation" with them, if he has to.

DH and I went through this. DH can go with them if he chooses, but I have no reason to go. The kids like the pool, so whatever. And no matter what, we still get our family (nuclear) vacation together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy fix to this: Don't go.

Let him visit his family on his own next time.

If he doesn't like it, explain that you don't enjoy those trips because of the way he behaves. If he can only enjoy the trips home by acting the way he acts, then fine, he can go alone.

Period. End of discussion. Problem solved. [/quot

I do this too. I stopped going to his families house four years ago. The best thing I ever did. He even takes the kids with him.

Pure joy while they are gone.