i hate my DH at the in-laws house

[Anonymous]

I just do.
he acts like an ass.
he overrides my every decision or comment.
he acts like an ass

he can't hear that he is acting like an ass and tells me "you always ruin my trips home" "you try to make me unhappy"

he has no idea he's sabotaging himself.

i'm just so annoyed. this is supposed to be vacation????? **unmentionable word***

[Anonymous]

What kinds of decisions are you talking about, that are so offensive to you on vacation? Can you share some examples?

[Anonymous]

You can't be grown-ups staying in mommy & daddy's house.

[Anonymous]

well, you sound delightful.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I hate my DH when he is around my ILs too. He is so not tuned into my DH or me; he totally is like a teenage jokester; he just jokes jokes jokes around with everyone. Can you guess that his role in the family was the middle child jokester/tension reliever/comic relief guy? It totally makes me insane. I could come into a room and tell him that our daughter just died and he'd make a joke about it. I want to scream at him when we are there, "Not everything is a f-ing joke!!!!" I never breathe more easily than when we pull out of the driveway after a visit and start heading home.

[Anonymous]

i can relate. when my husband and his two brothers return home they become completely helpless children. his parents do everything for the 'kids.' it's like they can't even put a dish in the dishwasher. very annoying.

[Anonymous]

Easy fix to this: Don't go.

Let him visit his family on his own next time.

If he doesn't like it, explain that you don't enjoy those trips because of the way he behaves. If he can only enjoy the trips home by acting the way he acts, then fine, he can go alone.

Period. End of discussion. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Our visit with my MIL generally follow this trajectory: beginning, DH annoyed with me because I don't make his mom feel welcome enough, or because i'm not excited to see her; middle, I lose my patience with MIL because she does somthing ridiculous like let's my son draw all over the couch with a marker while she is supposed to be watching him but instead plays on her phone; end, DH gets so annoyed with his mom he yells at her and I'm the one who tries to make peace. These visits just suck, DH loves his mom but she's tough to get along with and she's alone so she's not used to operating in a sphere with ohter people. I just keep reminding myself it could always be worse...

[Anonymous]

I had this problem too. I told DH I would no longer accompany him to visit his parents. When they come to visit us, which has happened once in the past four years, I send them out to do things on their own and stay home with the kids.

[Anonymous]

I think people have really weird expectations of how things should be when they get married. Like you and your spouse start a completely new life, and it's you and only you from now on.

But that's not realistic, and I think pretty wrong. You get married understanding and accepting that the family is expanding and growing, and you are sharing your with your spouse - but you're not starting anew. Your spouse isn't going to change and you should not expect them to change just because you get married. Their family of origin is still a big part of their life. While the focus may change, you don't abandon that "old" part of yourself.

Some of you have some really bizarre conceptions of how your spouses should change their birth family, just because you get married. When you get married to someone, you embrace and accept people for who they are, including the "baggage" (like in laws). If that's how things always are, you can't expect someone to completely change.

[Anonymous]

The inlaws probably bring out all sorts of insecurities/memories that affect a family dynamic,a nd you're bearing the brunt. Try to keep an eye out for something he may need to talk out to recognize.

[Anonymous]

I can empathize. My husband is mostly awesome. But when we visit his family in a very rural farming community he suddenly acts like Mr. Important. His incoming calls take on an obvious urgency. He paces beside the dinner table so everyone can hear his Important Conversation. He name drops. It is embarrassing.

To 11:23, you don't seem to grasp the issue here. I have known my husband for 20 years. How he acts when he returns "home" is just that- an act. It isn't him. It's not even the him from his childhood or adolescence. It's a clunky, overblown attempt to impress upon his family and childhood community how far he's come.

[Anonymous]

Does your DH admit to it after the fact? Can you talk about it before your next visit and come up with a way to notify him when it is driving you nuts?

If he won't admit to it, send him alone at least half the time!

[Anonymous]

Have you ever talked to DH about your concerns? Do it when you're not discussing plans to visit ILs. Just say "DH, I feel like every time we stay with your parents you revert back to a high-schooler." Then explain specifically what the behaviors were, using specific examples, and tell him how you felt in each instance.

Also be aware of how you act when you stay at your parents' house, and acknowledge areas where you've shown poor behavior and that you intend not to do it again.

Above all, stay calm and don't let things escalate. You're having the discussion to bring this problem to his attention and also how to resolve the issue. If having certain signals or phrases to do or say when he's acting poorly helps, do it. If staying in a hotel helps, do it. Just make sure you follow through.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't be grown-ups staying in mommy & daddy's house.

I couldn't disagree more. In this case, maybe- but that's a product of some bigger dysfunction. Some can't fathom staying in a hotel when visiting home/parents, for others its the only way to survive. Not universal.