i hate my DH at the in-laws house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't be grown-ups staying in mommy & daddy's house.

I couldn't disagree more. In this case, maybe- but that's a product of some bigger dysfunction. Some can't fathom staying in a hotel when visiting home/parents, for others its the only way to survive. Not universal.

+10000

OP, you are **not** alone! My Dh turns into arsehole of the year around his family. I refuse to fight or disagree or be anything but pleasant around them, they are such cads. Don't give them the satisfaction! Maybe draw up an agreement for next time, so he doesn't insist on ruining your limited vacation time?

[Anonymous]

Actually what used to bother me when we visited MIL was that DH continually had to have a power struggle with her. She was an anxious woman who tried to hide her anxiety by structuring her life very carefully. And it's true she tried to control him when he was a young person living at home. But it didn't seem to me that she was trying to control him now. He just couldn't stand that she had such a constricted life and he wanted her to be different.

Although we had little in common, I got along fine with MIL when it was just her and me. But I guess that's how it goes. As they say, your parents know how to push your buttons because they're the ones who installed them. She didn't install my buttons.

[Anonymous]

IMO adults stay in hotels! Doesn't work to camp out at the ILs once you are a grownup, in most cases. YMMV of course. If there's a ton of room and everyone gets along great it can work.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

OP here - you're super lucky. Hope you appreciate it.

Decisions are big and small - for example - I make reservations at DHs request to go out with the ILs. Everyone agrees. Plan is talked about. In evening, I get ready. I come down. DH announced were staying in for dinner. His mom looks sour and says. I cooked for you.

Say what?

[Anonymous]

Op again - now that I have a minute... DH drifts into a very negative cycle - starts talking about how bad out kids are (3 and 5) out loud, I front of them. Mostly picking on the 3 yr old. 3 yr old is not the best human on the planet, but he's pretty average for 3. DH does it bc ILs aren't around kids and they get flustered and ask - out loud - what's wrong with our kids. They like the kids best immobile and zombied in front of tv (then they go on and on about how they wish we'd leave them here for a week). DH will be negative about DC - damn those free museums; they stink. Etc. All this stuff that just isn't true. Just lots of negativity. And snark ones towards me - to his mom "mom, DW can't possibly eat at that restaurant. It's a chain. She's sooo snobby." (This when I vetoed mcdonalds bc we ate it for lunch the last two days in a row) all the non-stop negativity really pushes my buttons.

[Anonymous]

Call him out pleasantly over and over:

"Oh! Well, you had asked me to make reservations, but I am happy to eat here. Honey, why don't you call and cancel the reservation?"

"Oh, well, I think our DCs are great, just normally rambunctious. C'mon, I will take them to a playground to burn off some energy." (And the blast DH privately for criticizing the kids like that publicly.)

"Gee, I am fine with mcdonalds just not three days in a row! X Chain restaurant sounds great!"

Battle back his negativity with cheerful politeness then give him so what the hecks in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call him out pleasantly over and over:

"Oh! Well, you had asked me to make reservations, but I am happy to eat here. Honey, why don't you call and cancel the reservation?"

"Oh, well, I think our DCs are great, just normally rambunctious. C'mon, I will take them to a playground to burn off some energy." (And the blast DH privately for criticizing the kids like that publicly.)

"Gee, I am fine with mcdonalds just not three days in a row! X Chain restaurant sounds great!"

Battle back his negativity with cheerful politeness then give him so what the hecks in private.

+1! Good suggestions!

But insulting the kids in front of them would get a bigger response from me - "hey, don't say that about DD!" and then I'd take the kids out of the house til DH is ready to apologize. If the grandparents are actually asking what's wrong with the kids in front of them, then I'd definitely take the hint that that DH needs to visit his parents solo from now on. That's pretty awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Call him out pleasantly over and over:

"Oh! Well, you had asked me to make reservations, but I am happy to eat here. Honey, why don't you call and cancel the reservation?"

"Oh, well, I think our DCs are great, just normally rambunctious. C'mon, I will take them to a playground to burn off some energy." (And the blast DH privately for criticizing the kids like that publicly.)

"Gee, I am fine with mcdonalds just not three days in a row! X Chain restaurant sounds great!"

Battle back his negativity with cheerful politeness then give him so what the hecks in private.

You can certainly call him out without being a pill about it. "Sorry - I thought since you asked me to make the reservations that we were going out tonight" etc.
And certainly call him out anytime he acts out of character to be a show off. "Since you always share bath time duties at home, I didn't realize we'd change that plan here."

And yes, when you are alone just point out that you realize the dynamics are different when he's with his parents and that he might be trying to present some kind of image, but you still expect him to be as respectful of you/helpful with kids/considerate of feelings in front of his folks as he is at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Easy fix to this: Don't go.

Let him visit his family on his own next time.

If he doesn't like it, explain that you don't enjoy those trips because of the way he behaves. If he can only enjoy the trips home by acting the way he acts, then fine, he can go alone.

Period. End of discussion. Problem solved.

+1000

But say it in a nice way and make it seem like its a gift to him, which it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

OP here - you're super lucky. Hope you appreciate it.

Decisions are big and small - for example - I make reservations at DHs request to go out with the ILs. Everyone agrees. Plan is talked about. In evening, I get ready. I come down. DH announced were staying in for dinner. His mom looks sour and says. I cooked for you.

Say what?

Your fault for handling the schedule. Next time DO not engage or play their sick games. You both need counseling.

[Anonymous]

Your last example suggests they are playing games to gang up on you. ILs have a dynamic that asks your DH to pick sides and he totally goes along with it. I agree with others that you should not go on these trips unless your DH can appreciate that he is being unfair and work on it.. You should do something else. Maybe you should pick up a hobby?

Oh, and when ILs come visit, you should have a "business trip." I've never done htis but have totally considered faking one at appropriate times. Just go visit a friend or even better a hotel in a nearby city and relax, get some work done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone who hates their spouse and calls them an ass and an asshole is a pretty disrespectful spouse.

I can't imagine my DH saying he hated me and that I acted like an ass and ruined his vacation because he didn't like how I was with my parents.

A really disrespectful way to speak about your spouse.

OP here - you're super lucky. Hope you appreciate it.

Decisions are big and small - for example - I make reservations at DHs request to go out with the ILs. Everyone agrees. Plan is talked about. In evening, I get ready. I come down. DH announced were staying in for dinner. His mom looks sour and says. I cooked for you.

Say what?

Where were you while your MIL was cooking the meal? And why would a change of plans make you hate him? Just say okay and stay in and eat dinner. If this is your example of a good reason to disrespect your spouse and call him names, it sounds like you are just as much the problem (if not more) than he is.

[Anonymous]

Mine also reverts to his childhood role, the grumpy firstborn. He is visibly unhappy in that environment and this year I suggested the in-laws join us on our annual resort vacation (at their expense, not ours) and that helped a TON. We weren't captive in an environment that brings out the worst in DH, he had plenty of opportunity to take off on his own, etc. In-laws had their own room, kept to their own schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mine also reverts to his childhood role, the grumpy firstborn. He is visibly unhappy in that environment and this year I suggested the in-laws join us on our annual resort vacation (at their expense, not ours) and that helped a TON. We weren't captive in an environment that brings out the worst in DH, he had plenty of opportunity to take off on his own, etc. In-laws had their own room, kept to their own schedule.

+1. This is what we started doing as well. Neutral territory with plenty of opportunity for private time. DH did not have a great upbringing and only reconnected with/forgave his parents as an adult. He is VERY uncomfortable in the home that he grew up in. So we take our visits with the IL's to a non-captive space.