What to say when the truth will hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

Coming from a woman who is currently holding down a job and has a decent employment history? Fine. A woman who isn't working, has a poor employment history, etc.? Suggests mooch, like they just can't get their crap together or are lazy and think that staying home with kids will be easier. And if, for whatever reason, kids don't happen--what then?

Personally, I don't care how much money the other person is making, but by 40, you should have your shit together and be able to demonstrate that you are an independent, functional adult. That means a reasonable employment history, a job or your own business or something.

I completely agree. Sounds like OP's brother's desire to be a SAHD really means, " I can't get it together and want someone to support me."

OP, why does he want to be a SAHD?

He really just loves kids. One of his jobs was as a case worker for mentally challenged young children. He loved the work but it did burn him out. I don't know that he would make a good teacher. Being a teacher requires a lot planning---that's not a skill that readily comes easily to him.

Being a SAHP requires a lot of organization and planning too.

OP, do you think he is really just looking to be saved?

FWIW, I have a brother like this. He is 50. I am glad he never had children because it would be a disaster.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he flat out asked you, you should just tell him. I don't get why people dance around the subject. Tell him ambition is sexy, so is forward thinking and a good job. I'm not materialistic, but my DH needed ambition and a steady job at a bare minimum.

+1
Women don't want to marry a boy, they want a man, a partner. He needs to hear the truth. You dont need to be mean, just truthful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he flat out asked you, you should just tell him. I don't get why people dance around the subject. Tell him ambition is sexy, so is forward thinking and a good job. I'm not materialistic, but my DH needed ambition and a steady job at a bare minimum.

+1
Women don't want to marry a boy, they want a man, a partner. He needs to hear the truth. You dont need to be mean, just truthful.

+1

What does he intend to do before having kids? How will he spend his time?

He needs therapy, maybe a job coach, maybe ADD medication. If he wants a wife and family, he needs to get himself together first.

[Anonymous]

Forget the people saying "Mind your own business." - if he ASKS you, answer him. And be honest. The only way people understand they do something wrong is when other people tell them. He will never get it, if nobody ever tells him! At least that way he has a chance to realize what he might need to improve on and go for it...or not. His decision, but at least then he has a choice.

[Anonymous]

How about working in day care or something? And then he could do his odd jobs on the side?

Is he self supporting?

I would just tell him the truth.

[Anonymous]

I agree that you should just flat out tell him. If nobody in your family has been blunt with him before, it may explain how he ended up in this situation. Not that it's your fault or anybody else's. At the end of the day he is responsible for himself, but you and your family should closely consider if you have been enabling him all these years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with everyone. He knows why but he's denying it because no one has ever presented it to him as a negative thing. Apparently in everyone's quest to not hurt his feelings, it has actually created a bit of a slacker. I agree that you need to lead in by asking him questions to break the ice but it's perfectly okay to say "I love you more than anything and I want to see you happy. I'm not saying any of this to hurt you, but rather to help you present yourself in the best way possible." I'm sure there are women out there who would love to be able to continue their career while knowing another parent is caring for children. However it is a carefully crafted situation. Before getting to SAHD, he needs to shape an independent life for himself that shows the maturity all women are looking for in a husband.

He also should be making long term plans for his own good, not just to win a potential spouse!!

This. It's great that his goal is to be a SAHD. There are women who would want that. However, his chronic laziness and underemployment says "mooch," not "caregiver." He needs to create a career with goals for himself that will lend itself to being a SAHD. Being a SAH parent can be a choice, not a default. First he has to attract the women...

[Anonymous]

If he wants to be a SAHD, he needs to stop smoking. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Two of mine are in college and the third in hi h h school. At long last, I have a formal living and dining room and brought out all the antiques, China, sterling silver flats s 're. My home is not conducive to children and I have already told my children that there will be no babysitting v at my house. We did our job as parents without dumping our children on grandparents and they will do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

My ex-husband (we married very young) couldn't hold a steady job, had no work ethic, etc.

He is now remarried to a well-off attorney and is a SAHD. Worked out perfectly for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

My ex-husband (we married very young) couldn't hold a steady job, had no work ethic, etc.

He is now remarried to a well-off attorney and is a SAHD. Worked out perfectly for them.

Hope is not a strategy....

[Anonymous]

My DH yearns to be a stay at home Dad. Unfortunately, we can't afford it.