What to say when the truth will hurt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone. He knows why but he's denying it because no one has ever presented it to him as a negative thing. Apparently in everyone's quest to not hurt his feelings, it has actually created a bit of a slacker. I agree that you need to lead in by asking him questions to break the ice but it's perfectly okay to say "I love you more than anything and I want to see you happy. I'm not saying any of this to hurt you, but rather to help you present yourself in the best way possible." I'm sure there are women out there who would love to be able to continue their career while knowing another parent is caring for children. However it is a carefully crafted situation. Before getting to SAHD, he needs to shape an independent life for himself that shows the maturity all women are looking for in a husband.

He also should be making long term plans for his own good, not just to win a potential spouse!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

I know two "SAHDs by choice". One is a cousin and the other is a friend from childhood. Both were ES teachers before marrying and were very upfront with women they seriously dated that they wanted to be the primary caregiver in the summers. I think it is significant that both married successful women who didn't have involved fathers (raised by single moms) and that the families had sons (though my cousin now has a daughter as well).

That said, I'd find it a turn off if I was dating a guy with a history of underemployment and he said that he wanted to be a SAHD. I'd see it as a sign that he was lazy/incompetent and hoping for a socially acceptable (even admirable) way to opt out of working. But I wouldn't date a chronically underemployed guy.

[Anonymous]

He asked, I think you should try to honestly and compassionately say that women are looking for a reliable, steady partner and it's can be intimidating to marry a man who's winging it when it comes to his career and personal finances, even if he is otherwise such a wonderful guy. Many women of this generation are in a position to support themselves, so it's not that he needs to be able to be the sole provider, but it's a bit overwhelming to meet a guy and realize he's likely to be your dependent at some time in the immediate future (between jobs) and most certainly will be in retirement. Especially at 40, he's probably meeting and dating women in their 30s & 40s who understand the full implications of this sort of financial set up - it's scary honestly, and with divorce rates what they are, he could end up walking away with half of his wife-to-be's assets without having brought much in terms of his own assets. I'd be cautious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

I know two "SAHDs by choice". One is a cousin and the other is a friend from childhood. Both were ES teachers before marrying and were very upfront with women they seriously dated that they wanted to be the primary caregiver in the summers. I think it is significant that both married successful women who didn't have involved fathers (raised by single moms) and that the families had sons (though my cousin now has a daughter as well).

That said, I'd find it a turn off if I was dating a guy with a history of underemployment and he said that he wanted to be a SAHD. I'd see it as a sign that he was lazy/incompetent and hoping for a socially acceptable (even admirable) way to opt out of working. But I wouldn't date a chronically underemployed guy.

I almost married a guy who was very up front that he wanted to be a stay at home dad. It wasn't a turn off for me at all. I thought, "this is great, he's an amazing cook, I can focus on my career, he'll be stay at home, make my life easier, and I'll be the breadwinner." I imagine this is how men feel when presented with the same option. It didn't work out for other reasons, but honestly, this aspect didn't bother me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

Coming from a woman who is currently holding down a job and has a decent employment history? Fine. A woman who isn't working, has a poor employment history, etc.? Suggests mooch, like they just can't get their crap together or are lazy and think that staying home with kids will be easier. And if, for whatever reason, kids don't happen--what then?

Personally, I don't care how much money the other person is making, but by 40, you should have your shit together and be able to demonstrate that you are an independent, functional adult. That means a reasonable employment history, a job or your own business or something.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the asking questions to see if what he wants is a good fit. Maybe he's being rejected because he keeps going after women who are more stable or more ambitious. That will not jive obviously. Maybe nothing has to change about him, maybe he just needs to find someone who is content with that kind of lifestyle herself- more free-wheeling, sort of bohemian life. There are definitely women out there like that.

He wouldn't work for me but then again there are plenty of couples out there that share that kind of attitude about life, savings, planning, etc. and who am I to say they are wrong because their definition of "shit together" is different from most people/ mine.

Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Lacks ambition in what sense...is he living in your friggin basement?
The dude is 40 for crying out loud stop enabling him with lies and half-truths. Granted your opinion isn't the be-all-end-all Sister, but shit let him decipher your opinion on his own.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to imagine a woman who is in the same boat as he is, and ask him if he finds what he sees attractive.

[Anonymous]

No one wants to marry a 40 year old without a retirement account. I don't care what he does for a living, but being able to save money is KEY to life-long security. You don't need to make a lot of money, but you do need to handle the money you do have well. And if this advice doesn't land him a woman, it will at least help him from becoming your problem to support when something happens at 60 that keeps him from working and he has no retirement saved...

And I do know several women here in DC who are hyper career focused, take over the world types, who are looking for someone with a more laid back career to take on the child care. But they don't want an extra child to take care of before the babies...

[Anonymous]

He should consider teaching as a career. Same as pp, the one SAHD I know was a teacher before he and his wife had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

I thin the same thing about women who want, in the abstract, to be SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

Coming from a woman who is currently holding down a job and has a decent employment history? Fine. A woman who isn't working, has a poor employment history, etc.? Suggests mooch, like they just can't get their crap together or are lazy and think that staying home with kids will be easier. And if, for whatever reason, kids don't happen--what then?

Personally, I don't care how much money the other person is making, but by 40, you should have your shit together and be able to demonstrate that you are an independent, functional adult. That means a reasonable employment history, a job or your own business or something.

I completely agree. Sounds like OP's brother's desire to be a SAHD really means, " I can't get it together and want someone to support me."

OP, why does he want to be a SAHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

OK I'm the one that said this. It would be one thing if he wanted to be a SAHD and was holding down regular employment. But I think he just wants to sit on the couch and watch TV while a wife bankrolls him. He sounds like he wants to be a SAHH (Stay at home husband). Is he that good of a cook/cleaner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.

be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch.

Is this true for women as well?

Coming from a woman who is currently holding down a job and has a decent employment history? Fine. A woman who isn't working, has a poor employment history, etc.? Suggests mooch, like they just can't get their crap together or are lazy and think that staying home with kids will be easier. And if, for whatever reason, kids don't happen--what then?

Personally, I don't care how much money the other person is making, but by 40, you should have your shit together and be able to demonstrate that you are an independent, functional adult. That means a reasonable employment history, a job or your own business or something.

I completely agree. Sounds like OP's brother's desire to be a SAHD really means, " I can't get it together and want someone to support me."

OP, why does he want to be a SAHD?

He really just loves kids. One of his jobs was as a case worker for mentally challenged young children. He loved the work but it did burn him out. I don't know that he would make a good teacher. Being a teacher requires a lot planning---that's not a skill that readily comes easily to him.