What to say when the truth will hurt
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Anonymous
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My brother is 40. He's a nice person with a good heart. He has a 4 yr degree but no ambition. His last 2 relationships have failed because of his lack of ambition. He works odd jobs just to make enough money to get by for the time being. He has no retirement plan and no long term future thoughts. He smokes and still speaks as if he is in college.
He asked me this morning why no one wants to marry him......to me the answer is obvious. But to say it so bluntly will hurt him. And at 40, I'm not sure there is much he can do about it now. He just lacks any desire to have a full time permanent job with benefits. It's just not important to him. Any advice on what I can say to him? |
Anonymous
| No, he's 40, he'll grow up if/when he chooses to do so and he's just going to get butthurt if you tell him he has potential, but lacks ambition, is lazy and immature...etc..IMO. MYOB. |
Anonymous
| If he flat out asked you, you should just tell him. I don't get why people dance around the subject. Tell him ambition is sexy, so is forward thinking and a good job. I'm not materialistic, but my DH needed ambition and a steady job at a bare minimum. |
Anonymous
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I don't know if you should MYOB. He did ask.
Maybe start with some leading questions. Ask him what he is looking for in a person he wants to have a longterm relationship with. Ask him what values, traits he finds important. Then ask him what he thinks other people are looking for in a person they want to have a longterm commitment with. I don't think you should come out and say he's unmotivated, etc., but maybe you can nudge him in the right direction and get him talking. Once he starts talking, he might start to see how he chooses to live his life may not attract the type of person he wants to be in a committed relationship with for the rest of his life. |
Anonymous
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There's really nothing you can say that isn't going to hurt him. I tried to come up with any number of things. "Most people your age are already..." "Most women are interested in a partner who is..."
There are people who are perfectly okay with their partner ENDING UP in the situation your brother's in. Women do this all the time - get a degree, work jobs they don't care about until they get married, and then prioritize family. It's a lot less socially acceptable for men to do that, even if that's what your brother wanted to do. He needs to grow up, and there is really no way to say that diplomatically. |
Anonymous
This is sort of what I did with my brother, who is not a slacker by any sense of the word, but his expectations and reality really don't align. So I asked him what his priorities were in women to date, and then pointed out how the things he wants don't tend to be rolled up into one person (making a point of not saying anything he wants is wrong, which they aren't, they just don't happen to co-habitate in one person!). I don't know if it changed anything, but at least I answered his question. |
Anonymous
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I would just tell him the truth. Women want someone who is financially solvent and has steady employment.
Sounds like your family has babied him. |
Anonymous
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If your brother was 45 and you'd written this 2 months ago, I'd think you were my former SIL or BIL. However, my unemployed ex-DH met a woman 9 weeks ago and now they are engaged so there IS hope for your brother!
Yes, most happy and healthy women want to marry a man who is financially in good shape. However, there will always be women so desperate for the big fluffy white dress and Mrs. in front of their names that they will accept (or even chase after) the guy who is a hot mess. |
Anonymous
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I think since he asked you directly, this isn't a MYOB situation. But there is a lot of judging in the way you phrase it here. There are degrees of ambition and desires and it may be he just hasn't found the right match.
I do think rather than directing him "you need to be X Y and Z," it would be better to ask question and listen. Why do you think your relationships have failed? What is it you're looking for in a LTR? What do you think women want? How do you think you present yourself? What is your best quality? For example, we have a friend who might appear unmotivated. He buys and sells stuff - buys at yard sales and sells online. He's had a roommate who nearly covers his mortgage. By many DC standards, friend is not ambitious or successful. But he does what he wants, he sets his own schedule, and he does work hard - it's a fair amount of time. But it also gives him a lot of freedom and a chance to do things he likes, which are generally low cost or free. So you could say he's a free spirit. But it's hard for him to be in a long term relationship, too. I think the only piece of hard advice you should give him - after asking him all these questions that should point out that his priorities and actions aren't aligned - is that getting married isn't a fairy tale. You don't meet The ONE and live happily ever after. To get what he seeks, he has to be serious about it and find it, and that may require him to make some changes and compromises along the way. |
Anonymous
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Great ideas about asking questions. Thanks. At the end of the day all he wants is to have kids, be a SAHD, and have some one to share his life with.
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Anonymous
be a SAHD?? Maybe he shouldn't mention that to prospective dates. I would think that's a red flag for a mooch. |
Anonymous
| He's 40 years old stop babying him |
Anonymous
| I'd probably turn it around and ask, why do you think no one wants to marry you? In a nice, therapist like way, not a bratty sister kind of way. He already knows why. |
Anonymous
| If he asked, why wouldn't you have an open conversation with him? You don't have to be mean, just probe about his life choices with him. |
Anonymous
This is excellent advice. Being rejected by women may hurt more then hearing the truth. At least if he hears the truth he can choose to do something about it. |