My husband is an asshole

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel your pain, OP. DH has acted this way with me in the past, particularly if he's tired or if he thinks I'm screwing up something with the kids (God forbid he take control himself). And if I had even an inkling that he was capable of what I've seen from him post-having kids, I would never have married him.

It all came to a head the day before Valentine's day. Baby started crying at night, which woke DH up. I was brushing my teeth (the nerve!), and instead of picking up baby, he starts following me in the house, screaming at the top of his lungs in my face for well over half an hour about what a huge screw up I am.

Basically, that was the last straw. He had a family get together that we were supposed to spend the weekend with his family, and I refused to go. I made it very clear that if this is what our marriage was going to be, I would rather be divorced. I had been taking so much abusive behavior from this man and I realized it was unacceptable (it took me so long to even realize that this was abuse, not just being "grumpy" or "tired"). It's been a few weeks since he got back and he hasn't retreated to his old pattern (yet). Sometimes you get into this routine where DH thinks treating you like garbage is ok, and standing up for yourself helps.

OP here....thanks. He actually says that he's the one who is mistreated and demands an apology all the time. I'm so tired of living like this. I need to weigh my options.

Of course he does! And what's amazing is that he probably BELIEVES he's some sort of outstanding specimen of manhood who married someone sooo ungrateful and unappreciative.

Time to start setting some boundaries, and call him out when he is being abusive!! Something I find snaps DH out of it is I tell him "Do you think that when I married you I imagined that you'd ever treat me this way? Do you think this is what I was hoping for in my life?" Or I just flat out tell him "You're talking to me in a cruel, abusive manner. It looks like you probably don't want to be married much longer. I hope you enjoy being a bachelor again!" Somehow for my particular asshole DH, this sort of brings him back to reality, not the alternative universe where he is a put-upon hero/victim. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

PP here. I just want to add, DH was being a monster, but I think he genuinely did not realize how terrible things had become or what kind of an effect his behavior was having on my mental state. Plus, he very much does not want to be a bachelor and wants our marriage to work, even if he behaves terribly. I can see how inviting a disengaged DH to walk out the door would lead him to... walk out the door.

[Anonymous]

OP, going back to one of your first posts, what do you mean by having your child eat meat is a dealbreaker? Obviously the kid shouldn't be forced to eat something she doesn't like, but it's sounding like some of this is based more on your insisting on having things your way than the child's actual needs. You seem upset that your DH has "forgotten" that you told him you wanted to be a SAHM when your kids were little, but you do understand that just saying that, even if DH agrees, doesn't necessarily mean you will be able to do it? $218K is a nice HHI for sure, but in the DC area it doesn't necessarily make you feel all that financially secure. Things like being a SAHM, working pt vs FT, career choices, etc., are not one time decisions, and you can't plan everything in advance. They are constantly evolving and you often have to revisit and reconsider once the reality sets in, to make sure what you are doing is really best in the long run. Your DH didn't sign a pact in blood that you could work very pt for x amount of years after each birth.

Finally -- am I understanding correctly that you guys are even discussing having more children??? And you are pushing for it, even though you regret marrying your DH every day with every fiber of your being? Baaaaaad idea. Take the 2nd kid off the table indefinitely and start focusing on fixing what you've got now.

[Anonymous]

Read up on drawing some firm boundaries.

Your only response to him telling you what you think or feel should be dismissive disbelief:

"You think blah, blah, blah!"
"That's absurd. Give it a rest already." Or "What did you say? No, that's nuts!"
And move on.

Don't give any weight to what he's saying. It's not true, so it doesn't matter. If he's saying it for an emotional reaction, he will see that it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

I get that marriage is hard and that people fight. I've been married for 20 years and we have 2 kids. But who says shit like that? There has to be baseline of decency and respect. You can be mad, but you do not get to tear down your partner like that.

We're all capable of saying anything. What is the point in staying with someone who thinks it's okay to just let it rip like that? Please consider your options OP. He sounds a lot like my friend's husband who is a total narcissist. He gave her a great gift by leaving when their dd was 4. Best thing ever. Four years later she remarried and couldn't be happier because she found someone who accepts her for who she is. The ex is still miserable,

[Anonymous]

Welcome to my world. If there were a contest my husband would win........but when hes nice, WHEN, he is a peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAH parent? If he was the nanny, would he be fired? What a stupid comment.

Why do you say it's his fault for not forcing you to do CIO? Aren't you both to blame for that? "Permanently damaged"? You sound a little unhinged there.

Why is he so grumpy and critical? Is this new for him or par for the course?

OP again....I was unclear. The first message was what he told me. That he should have put his foot down about doing CIO. He thinks she will suffer from damage by having slept by her mom for the past 3 years (on and off).

I work part time - 2 hours a day. Other than that, I am home with DD. He said he would fire me if I was the nanny.

He is always critical..forever Monday morning quarterbacking. Also now blames me for buying the house that we did, saying that the hour door to door is too much for him. We bought the house 7 fucking years ago.

It sounds to me that by letting your daughter co-sleep, he feel rejected by you.

This. "Co-sleeping" or "family bed" usually means "dad sleeps on the couch." It's bad for families.

OP also sounds like a control freak. Well, they both sound like control freaks. The difference is she seems to get everything she wants with the parenting decisions -- and he resents her for it, since she has clearly made some bad ones.

[Anonymous]

I would not tolerate a child regularly sleeping in my room after 1 year.

I would mot want to procreate again with someone who is an asshole.

[Anonymous]

I know it is counterintuitive, but have you considered whether you are having enough sex? Some men get testy when they don't have regular sex. Just a crazy thought throwing it out there.

[Anonymous]

Why would she want sex if hes an asshole? He needs to make her want to show affection, she is not an object. He sounds like a total jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would she want sex if hes an asshole? He needs to make her want to show affection, she is not an object. He sounds like a total jerk.

I get that. That is why it is counterintuitive. It would be an attempt to break the vicious cycle. Why not give it a try. She must have felt something for him at one point. If it doesn't work after three regular days of activity she can rule that out as a cause of his assholishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this a blow up that had been building for awhile. Sounds like he doesn't get much say in the parenting decisions and he is sleep deprived and the child has become the center of the family and the marriage. Not having time to talk for a long time is a problem. It doesn't sound like the marriage is a priority at all.

This sounds like a volcano blow up where months and months of resentment suddenly surface. Should he have been disrespectful - no. You need to make sure that you have frequent conversations, where his choices and options on parenting are validated and given as much weight as your own.

I think this poster is spot on. Your DH acted terribly, but it also sounds like you've been drifting apart for some time. Whether you meant to come off the way you did or not, it sounds like DH feels pretty isolated in his own family and lashed out. It wasn't right, and he certainly has his own faults, but if things have gotten to this point, you two need marriage counseling to straighten things out.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Co sleeping should only be done if both parents are completely on board. Otherwise it is pretty much a recipe for anger and resentment...and breakdown of a marriage.

So when the kid is up every few hours and throwing up from crying and only one person will get up to take care of her, what then?

Then you need to sleep train ASAP as a lack of consolidated sleep is very unhealthy for kids. They need stretches of sleep for brain development so you should be taking the steps to make sure the children get good nights sleep. A child who is up every few hours and who is throwing up from crying is an unhealthy child who needs parents to step in and create healthy sleep habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would she want sex if hes an asshole? He needs to make her want to show affection, she is not an object. He sounds like a total jerk.

She needs to make him want to get up at night. She needs to make him want to do x,y,z.

It is pretty difficult to make another person want to do something...that isn't really a responsibility you put on others.