My husband is an asshole
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
"I think this poster is spot on. Your DH acted terribly, but it also sounds like you've been drifting apart for some time. Whether you meant to come off the way you did or not, it sounds like DH feels pretty isolated in his own family and lashed out. It wasn't right, and he certainly has his own faults, but if things have gotten to this point, you two need marriage counseling to straighten things out."
+2. I don't think your DH knows how to handle conflict well, and it's likely you may not either. But I can easily see two sides to much of this. One, that your DH is super stressed from his long-commute and being essentially the sole bread earner, and he's not feeling supported or appreciated by you. And two, that he's not getting the intimacy he needs (emotional and likely sexual), and doesn't feel like a "date night" is going to give him that. And likely three - that either you're too controlling about what goes on at home or you are not on the same page. So I think you need counseling to work on managing conflict, meeting each other needs, and working as a team. |
Anonymous
|
The fact that you still cosleep with your child at 3 is insane. You are not a medieval peasant. Also, the meat thing makes no sense without further explanation (are you a devout Hindu, hardcore vegetarian, child is allergic, what?).
This said, your husband is not handling conflict well either. Basically, it seems your two have really incompatible goals and notions of a marriage. (For example, the whole SAHM thing - for a parent to be a SAHP, both spouses should be on-board and that is not the case with you). I'd say counselling at the very least, to get to the root of your issues and communications failures. |
Anonymous
NP here. That was just mean. Sometimes, people aren't what they seem before they get married. |
Anonymous
|
For the poster who works part time and makes 18k and hubby makes more than 200k, why are you working?
Do you realize all of your earnings are going toward taxes due to your tax bracket? I would not work at all if I made less than 70k a year. You pay too much in taxes and childcare for it to make financial sense. |
Anonymous
| He is POISON. Get out and get far away. |
Anonymous
|
Lots of negative stuff in your marriage, which is refueling itself. He sounds like an ass, but you have some role in things too. Here's what I would do.
1) End the co-sleeping. The longer you draw out the situation, the harder it will be for your daughter to fall asleep on her own. I know, because I essentially had to sleep train my 4 year old (we were not cosleeping, but had started lying down in bed with him at 2, when we had a new baby, and by 4, he was adamant about it. And I was sick of it). What we did; explained that he was a big boy and it was important for him to fall asleep on his own and that we were near by. Picked out 2 toys-a smaller one and a larger one. He would get the small one if he stayed in his room and went to bed on his own. The larger one for 3 nights in a row. First night, he came out about 7 times, I walked him silently to bed. HTe 8th time, he just howled 10 min and fell asleep. Next am, told him we were proud and got the small toy. Rinse repeat 3 times, and now he is happy to get a kiss goodnight and go to bed on his own. 2) ramp up your hours at work--if DH thinks a nanny is better, then look into going back full time. Your daughter will be in school soon enough. I say this both because your DH is not respecting you, and also because if you divorce (a real possibility here) you will want to be working. 3) DO NOT have another child now. I'm sorry but it just bodes for disaster at this point. It *will* destroy your marriage and life as a single mom of 2 is going to be more than you bargained for, particularly with a contentious ex. 4) I normally would suggest marital therapy stat, although at this point things so contentious it just might hasten a divorce. In lieu of that, I'd start to see an individual therapist weekly. But there is a shit-ton of resentment all around here, and both of you dredging up stuff. No good can come from that. 5) please explain the meat thing--you are a non meat eater and wanted to raise your daughter that way--you agreed before marriage and now he reneges? not cool but probably at this point not worth struggling over. The bedtime and the other stuff is more important. Then again, I know people can feel very strongly about this. 6) How are HIS parenting skills? is there a possibility that he feels inadequate and thus 'blames' you for not raising your child in such a way as to make his time with her easier? 7) are there other stressors on your life or his life besides the usual? |
Anonymous
|
Ouch.
OP, are you just venting and having a bad day, or is this how you feel the majority of the time? Because in a marriage, there are going to be rough patches and there will be times when you are going to say and think that your husband is an asshole and need to vent. But if you feel this way most of the time, then you are not in a healthy marriage. It sounds to me like your husband is in need of a reality check. He needs to grow up. The first step toward maturity is to take accountability for your own actions + stop blaming others for things going wrong. If he cannot do this, then he will be stuck where he is now and will never go forward and grow. And if that doesn't happen, you will be stuck married to a man-boy and things will never improve. Then it will be time to take a long, hard look at your marriage and decide if it is worth being angry and miserable the rest of your life for. |
Anonymous
That was me, the OP. Yes, I understand this. Which is why I don't understand his absolute conviction that I must work. Up until a month ago, his income was $315,000 (base). Why then is my $18k so important??? And no, he wasn't demoted - he left big law for an in house position. |
Anonymous
|
OP again....so this morning, he apologizes. He says that kind of conversation isn't productive and since we've been doing so much better, it's hard when talks like that happen. He said he was sorry for his part and that's not how he wants to live. I say I appreciate it and that I felt very disrespected last night. I said we need to work on communicating with respect. That I felt like I was being systematically taken down and not treated nicely. And he says, "Well I'm not trying to get into all that now.".!!!!!!!
The meat thing - yes, it's part of our religion. He knew it was a big deal to me as is to his own mother. He doesn't follow that part of our religion. DD is a much better sleeper now. She had a rough week with a bad cough and throwing up from coughing. Rather than going in and having to clean it up every night, I would stay in her room and prevent her from throwing up. She normally doesn't wake up all the time but if she does wake up, she comes to our room and either stays there or asks to go back to her room. As far as I know, that is developmentally acceptable for a preschooler. |
Anonymous
Maybe your H thinks you are not pulling your weight. I don't know your entire situation but some people (a lot of husbands) don't think being a SAHP is hard. Personally, for my DH and I (we are in the same field), going to work is much easier than being SAHP. I asked my DH if he wanted to be SAHD and I would work, but he said he'd rather be the working parent. Has your DH ever stayed home with your kid for more than just a few hours? Even 2 days in a row while you are out 9 to 6 would probably be a big eye-opener for him, especially when your DC is sick or DH is sick and still has to take care of DC. Your DH's commute time probably is making him more stressed out. I used to feel really stressed out after a long commute and would take it out on my family  Have you thought of moving? Some people handle long commutes better than others. My DH handles it much better than me.
|
Anonymous
| Lol - you married him OP so what does that make you? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, you both sound like assholes to me. |
Anonymous
|
Your DH is so toxic and a jerk. DIVORCE HIM. I can't believe he would treat you in such a manner. Get a job working full time so you can afford a place of your own and to provide for your child 50% of the time. Let him figure out how to provide for his child the other 50% of the time.
I would also ensure that should it come to a divorce you are clear about his treatment of your child. If he is force feeding her, that is abuse and he could cause her to choke and die. That's pretty serious. If he's just yelling or insisting she eat it, (yelling can be abusive) that's not as bad as physically forcing. HE needs uninterrupted sleep and you don't? What an Ass. Sounds like he's not on board to be a daddy. Maybe he wasn't to begin with or he has changed his mind. |
Anonymous
| I agree - he definitely sounds like an asshole. Sorry to hear that OP. |
Anonymous
+1. And lay off the profanity. You both have to try, listen and respect. |