Dating your Ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I want a relationship with him. I don't want something casual or ex-sex.

That's not up for you to decide.

It's up to BOTH of them to decide and the best way to do that is to discuss expectations.

[Anonymous]

Technically you are correct.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Yes, Wharton and it was really hard. I pretty much cried my entire last year. I don't want to say anything just yet because I'm worried he's going to be scared away. But I don't sleep around, so obviously a relationship status will have to be discussed before any sex happens. I was just wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who have been hurt? I'm not guarded at all and don't understand why we can't just go back to where we were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:obviously a relationship status will have to be discussed before any sex happens

Your status is you don't have a relationship with this man.

I was just wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who have been hurt? I'm not guarded at all and don't understand why we can't just go back to where we were.

Wow, some broad dumps a guy out of nowhere and she's wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who "have been hurt?" Get over yourself. Find some other guy to torture.

I hope he lies to you, fucks you and then kicks you to the fucking curb the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Yes, Wharton and it was really hard. I pretty much cried my entire last year. I don't want to say anything just yet because I'm worried he's going to be scared away. But I don't sleep around, so obviously a relationship status will have to be discussed before any sex happens. I was just wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who have been hurt? I'm not guarded at all and don't understand why we can't just go back to where we were.

Look, you sound like a nice person. Please just cancel the full weekend and say that you just want to meet for a lunch or dinner to talk. No bag packed, nothing. You two need a serious, in depth conversation - insecurities and all on the table. It might be that after this you go forward and live happily ever after or decide that you are in different places and the timing is off. If the later happens, you are still always going to special in each other's background, which is not a bad place to be.

[Anonymous]

OP here - Thanks for the helpful replies. I really don't understand why the angry poster is so... Angry. We broke up because of my school and he knows that I didn't date anyone (at all) for my final year. I moved away right after school. We stayed friends via text and social media, and when he got that GF (who ended up cheating on him) I was nice and said I was hally for him and there was no drama. When his mom got sick I went to see her and I'm still friends with his sisters. I'm not a mean person and if he just just "lied and fucked me and kicked me to the curb" I would be beyond devastated. Now I'm just sad I even posted here. Maybe angry poster was hurt by someone really badly and that's what happens. I'm sorry for whoever hurt you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:obviously a relationship status will have to be discussed before any sex happens

Your status is you don't have a relationship with this man.

I was just wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who have been hurt? I'm not guarded at all and don't understand why we can't just go back to where we were.

Wow, some broad dumps a guy out of nowhere and she's wondering if this is typical behavior for guys who "have been hurt?" Get over yourself. Find some other guy to torture.

I hope he lies to you, fucks you and then kicks you to the fucking curb the next day.

Not OP but you sound like a very scary person.
A dangerous person.

[Anonymous]

OP, This is how it is in DCUM - we can be a nasty bunch, please don't take it personally.

My advice is to be honest with your guy.
"Bart, I think before we meet up I need to know what you're thinking about us. I'm in a much different place in my life than I was five years ago and I've realized I don't just want a casual fling with you. If we want different things at this point then that's okay, but I can't take this any further."

Maybe that script is no good, but my main point is that you should talk to him about what you're feeling.
And if he's not there with you this time around then you can stop wondering and move on. Sometimes the timing just isn't right.

[Anonymous]

OP here- Thanks PP. Just wondering though if it will scare him away if I start talking about that before we even meet up? My brothers both said to go for the weekend (not sleep with him of course) and then talk about it on Sunday. I think if I cancel now, he will be upset and the walls will go up even higher. Plus I really, really want to see him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks PP. Just wondering though if it will scare him away if I start talking about that before we even meet up? My brothers both said to go for the weekend (not sleep with him of course) and then talk about it on Sunday. I think if I cancel now, he will be upset and the walls will go up even higher. Plus I really, really want to see him.

You may be right about that, OP. Perhaps put that conversation in your back pocket for a bit.
Go and enjoy yourself, and remember that it's been five years and as much as you care for him, you don't really know if you're still compatible.
So it's true you don't want to get ahead of yourself.
Let us know how it goes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks PP. Just wondering though if it will scare him away if I start talking about that before we even meet up? My brothers both said to go for the weekend (not sleep with him of course) and then talk about it on Sunday. I think if I cancel now, he will be upset and the walls will go up even higher. Plus I really, really want to see him.

I think your brothers have a good plan. Go, spend the wknd with him, don't sleep with him, and have the convo at some point in the weekend.

The only catch to having the convo Sunday is, what if he tries to sleep with you Saturday night? And you say no? Do you explain why? I'm not a huge fan of having a DTR right before sex It can skew the guys honesty. Better to have it during daylight hours while fully clothed.

So maybe have it Saturday after spending some the together, maybe after dinner but before fooling around? Chances are you could get a seat on a train Saturday night if the convo doesn't go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks PP. Just wondering though if it will scare him away if I start talking about that before we even meet up? My brothers both said to go for the weekend (not sleep with him of course) and then talk about it on Sunday. I think if I cancel now, he will be upset and the walls will go up even higher. Plus I really, really want to see him.

OMG, are you 14? Because you really sound like you are. Be a grown up and make a decision. Stop getting everyone's opinion. Stop talking about it. Stop overanalyzing every.single.word.

[Anonymous]

Uh...Why did someone post a picture of Corey Monteith on here? Am I missing something....??!

I have a question OP. Why did you break up w/him if you do not mind me asking?

Anyway, I think he is being so guarded is because since you broke up w/him before, he is just being "careful" this time around and doesn't want to get his heart broken which is understandable. So he probably won't be in any big rush to jump into anything exclusive for awhile.

However since you both are going away for the weekend, I am assuming you both will be staying in the same room and if that is indeed the case, then it is assumed that you both will be sleeping together finally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- Thanks PP. Just wondering though if it will scare him away if I start talking about that before we even meet up? My brothers both said to go for the weekend (not sleep with him of course) and then talk about it on Sunday. I think if I cancel now, he will be upset and the walls will go up even higher. Plus I really, really want to see him.

I haven't gone back to an ex. I personally don't think it is a good idea to go away with anyone for the weekend if you have not established the relationship status unless you don't care. If the chemistry is there and you already know the sex is good, if things get heated, you are in the position of rejecting him ( which won't be a good situation) or you roll with it so to speak and now have made yourself vulnerable to him not knowing if he will say "oh the sex was great but I'm still not sure I can be in the relationship".

I'm a pragmatic romantic so I believe you can meet the right person at the wrong time in your life so I love the stories where the people find their way back to each other 5 or 10 years later or sometimes 25 years later. I also believe you can love someone but that isn't the right person for you to marry/can't live with them long term - think "The Way We Were" with Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford. I think for you and your ex to make this work he has to communicate with you and can't blow hot and cold forever. Before you go away for the weekend you lay your card on the table. You regret breaking up, you really want to date him again, and you think if you go away together you will be tempted to take things further and you do not to want to go there if he can't get past the breakup and give you another chance. If there is something about the way you broke up with him that worries him, I.e. It was out of the blue and he didn't have any chance to give options like dialing back the dating to seeing you once a week etc, the unilateral style etc, could something like that happen again if say your parents health was failing or you lost your job and instead of being a team you would bolt to handle it on your own etc. He needs to discuss his exact fears about giving you another chance and you have to consider if it was more than just timing.

I don't think you should bend over backwards and let him walk all over you. I do think that you should own your part and offer to go to couples counseling or whatever to improve how you communicate with each other and let him know that you don't want to hurt him again and want to work together to make things better this time around, maybe taking things slower, maybe making sure you really are compatible in values and visions of the future, maybe making sure you have those skills that help coupled navigate a disagreement or crisis. Ultimately you each have to be your authentic selves to make the relationship work long term and it can't be him waiting for the other shoe to drop and you on eggshells trying to not spook him and earn forgiveness.

Really rooting for you to work this out.

[Anonymous]

If you broke his heart, and now he is guarded and unsure, I really doubt he want just casual sex with you. Not sure why you think he wants a fling. Nothing I see in how he is approaching this says fling. Sounds like he's being cautious and keeping you at arms length a bit because you decided last time he wasn't enough of a priority to keep around.