what would you do?? In laws sent my child an Ipad mini for his SIXTH birthday without asking

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure why people are reacting like you're crazy OP - my parents always ask about big presents before purchasing. Since neither set of grandparents live close, they usually want to know whether my kid's current interests would fit the gift they have in mind, whether my kid is developmentally ready to enjoy that kind of gift, and also to hear whether we, the parents, would be comfortable with it. They've never suggested something wildly inappropriate but they don't want to spent $100+ on something that would just go to waste, either because my kid doesn't like it or because we don't allow it.

Is that such an uncommon courtesy to extend? I didn't realize my parents were so exceptional in that regard. For smaller stuff, like books, clothes, and simple toys - they don't inquire ahead of time and that works out just fine.

[Anonymous]

They gave one grandchild a sweatshirt for his birthday and the other grandchild an iPad mini?

[Anonymous]

Just about every person on this thread is a passive-aggressive pansy. How about instead of being afraid of hurting the feelings of people who are clearly in a power struggle, you face them head-on and call out their passive-aggressive-ness? It's not hard. You say:

"Thank you for sending DC such a nice gift, but we already have two iPads the kids use, and we don't think it's appropriate for him to have his own at this time. We're happy to send it back to you. If you want to give DC another gift, he/she is really into (LEGOs, Transformers, board games, specific sports team, etc.)"

PP's just need to grow a pair. And so does OP's DH and stand up to his parents. It's only going to get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:please listen to me. I have been there. you don't like your inlaws and they like the power thing. heck they probably half knew they'd piss you off doing this and did it for that reason.

just say thank you and give it to your kid a few times a year. they use them in school even in my kids kinder class. make it only for special car trips or something.

life is too short for you to hold all this resentment. parents and in laws pull this crap all the time. most of us have experienced it. it is SO FUCKING ANNOYING. but you have to just get a grip.

thank and move on. otherwise it will be a laptop next year and they will have won. they realized how to get you pissed and will enjoy it.

I mostly agree with this PP and, OP, I have in-laws like this too. I get it. Like this PP above me said, they prob already knew it would annoy you and, if they're like my mil, are poised and waiting for you to have a reaction.

Here's my advice: don't give it to them. Do a bland thank-you note and then just handle the Ipad however you decide. If you want it in your house keep it and establish rules. If you don't want it in your house, give it away in a manner you decide: school, library, refift, etc.

That's my advice. My MIL loves to "spoil for a fight" and so I am just as bland and non-confrontational on the surface to her ("grateful and thankful"), and then I just whatever the heck I want. A gift is a gift; once it is in your possession you can do whatever you want with it!

Signed,
DIL whose MIL sends 20 new outfits 2x/a year to my 6yo, about 18 of which end up going back to the store for a refund, which I then use for other things, after writing a bland thank-you note to MIL

[Anonymous]

I'd be more concerned about how they gave one grandchild an iPad and the other child a sweatshirt(?) for their bday. Unless the sweatshirt recipient is much much younger and clueless, that's kinda out of line IMO. That being said, set your own iPad rules for your child for the new iPad, put it aside to let him use it 30 min on the weekend, whatever...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just about every person on this thread is a passive-aggressive pansy. How about instead of being afraid of hurting the feelings of people who are clearly in a power struggle, you face them head-on and call out their passive-aggressive-ness? It's not hard. You say:

"Thank you for sending DC such a nice gift, but we already have two iPads the kids use, and we don't think it's appropriate for him to have his own at this time. We're happy to send it back to you. If you want to give DC another gift, he/she is really into (LEGOs, Transformers, board games, specific sports team, etc.)"

PP's just need to grow a pair. And so does OP's DH and stand up to his parents. It's only going to get worse.

OP here..thank you for all of your responses, even the ridiculously rude ones. I am 37 years old and have to say its been a LONG time since I was called names lol!! But this thread has called me a bitch, a witch, spoiled, PITA,.... and you all are parents? Calling names? To someone you don't even know? Judge much? I can only imagine how your children behave. Yikes. This sounds like typical northeast behavior --your rudeness wouldn't be tolerated in most places. I also think some of this defensiveness must come from parents who use a screen to babysit their kids and can't even imagine life without an ipad (or the like) in the house! We play with our kids, they are in sports, they like music, they play outside, and fish, and ride bikes, and so on. To the people who think my son is "sad"--when did I say he was sad?!! I told him that a gift like this will come when he's a little older and that 6 year olds don't need their own, that we have 2 and that this will be something he will look forward to in the future and he said "i know". Seriously. You know how many kids are starving, suffering, being abused you are worried about how my son will handle this?!!!!

Bottom line here is yes, my inlaws absolutely crossed the line by giving this gift without asking and they did gift it to him to get a reaction. My family would have never done this without first asking but they wouldn't have done it in the first place. My parents let me borrow an old car when I turned 16, not because they didn't have the money to buy me a new one but because they didn't feel that a teenage should get a brand new car!!! I bet many of the PP were the kids who received brand new cars when they turned 16. My inlaws are farmers who don't earn a great income yet they just shelled out hundreds for some gift we don't need nor do we want our child to have ownership of at his young age.

To the PP who asked--- My 3 year old was given a sweatshirt in Jan. one that was 3 sizes to big for him I might add---yes, I was shocked and his feelings were hurt!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just about every person on this thread is a passive-aggressive pansy. How about instead of being afraid of hurting the feelings of people who are clearly in a power struggle, you face them head-on and call out their passive-aggressive-ness? It's not hard. You say:

"Thank you for sending DC such a nice gift, but we already have two iPads the kids use, and we don't think it's appropriate for him to have his own at this time. We're happy to send it back to you. If you want to give DC another gift, he/she is really into (LEGOs, Transformers, board games, specific sports team, etc.)"

PP's just need to grow a pair. And so does OP's DH and stand up to his parents. It's only going to get worse.

OP here..thank you for all of your responses, even the ridiculously rude ones. I am 37 years old and have to say its been a LONG time since I was called names lol!! But this thread has called me a bitch, a witch, spoiled, PITA,.... and you all are parents? Calling names? To someone you don't even know? Judge much? I can only imagine how your children behave. Yikes. This sounds like typical northeast behavior --your rudeness wouldn't be tolerated in most places. I also think some of this defensiveness must come from parents who use a screen to babysit their kids and can't even imagine life without an ipad (or the like) in the house! We play with our kids, they are in sports, they like music, they play outside, and fish, and ride bikes, and so on. To the people who think my son is "sad"--when did I say he was sad?!! I told him that a gift like this will come when he's a little older and that 6 year olds don't need their own, that we have 2 and that this will be something he will look forward to in the future and he said "i know". Seriously. You know how many kids are starving, suffering, being abused you are worried about how my son will handle this?!!!!

Bottom line here is yes, my inlaws absolutely crossed the line by giving this gift without asking and they did gift it to him to get a reaction. My family would have never done this without first asking but they wouldn't have done it in the first place. My parents let me borrow an old car when I turned 16, not because they didn't have the money to buy me a new one but because they didn't feel that a teenage should get a brand new car!!! I bet many of the PP were the kids who received brand new cars when they turned 16. My inlaws are farmers who don't earn a great income yet they just shelled out hundreds for some gift we don't need nor do we want our child to have ownership of at his young age.

To the PP who asked--- My 3 year old was given a sweatshirt in Jan. one that was 3 sizes to big for him I might add---yes, I was shocked and his feelings were hurt!!

Wow OP -- you are a real peach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:haha Im a bitvh because I dont want my children to become spoiled brats who own their own expensive Ipads when they've been on this earth for only 6 years???!!! Really?!! What about saving some things to look forward to. My son only wanted a few toy planes from the Disney movie and some outdoor things...all things that were on his Amazon "wish list" he made. They chose to not consult with us and buy him a ridiculously inappropriate gift for his exclusive use. His brother, whose birthday was 3 months ago was given a sweatshirt BTW, but thanks for anticipating there would be fairness haha. Nope. I think I will put it away for a couple of years DONATE it. Great idea!!! Thanks all!

The last I heard it is not mandatory to consult on gifts. You are being unreasonable. Do I think the gift was over the top? Yes, but life goes on. Move forward. You can't dictate what other people want to give as gifts. You can be really difficult about and drive a wedge between you and them or you can accept it and work with the gift. Like other people said, you are free to put restrictions on how it is used, etc.

[Anonymous]

Geez, OP. I just read your latest response. You have a chip on your shoulder.

Let it go. Seriously. You will be much happier.

[Anonymous]

You are overthinking it. You can play, do all the activities you listed and allow a little bit of iPad time. Ok, so your kid doesn't need one. Ok, so you didn't get that stuff as a kid. That is what grandparents are for. You have two iPads so they probably didn't think it was a big deal.

What we found is the more you block it and make it a novelty, the more the kids want it. I can leave the iPad out all day for our 4 year old and at best he will play with it on/off for about 20 minutes at a time. He's fully reading, in two activities, in preschool and goes to the playground almost every day.

[Anonymous]

Typical. OP asks "What would you do" but doesn't really want any suggestions. Just post "vent" next time and save everybody the time, OP.

Your OP and your follow ups were just as rude, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Don't ever let people give your kids presents again, without knowing what it is Seriously, as the Mom you get to have your say when it comes to what people may or may not gift your children. I would contact the grandparents and make that clear - in a nice way of course, but clear nonetheless.

As for the gift. Now you have it, what to do with it. Limit usage. Declare it's only for special occasions. Take it away. Donate it. Whatever YOU feel would be right to do. You sound like you have a very clear idea of how you want screen time to be handled in your family...run with it! I have no doubt you will determine something that makes sense for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
The last I heard it is not mandatory to consult on gifts. You are being unreasonable. Do I think the gift was over the top? Yes, but life goes on. Move forward. You can't dictate what other people want to give as gifts. You can be really difficult about and drive a wedge between you and them or you can accept it and work with the gift. Like other people said, you are free to put restrictions on how it is used, etc.

Ehm...actually yes, you can. And you should. A gift should be something you give for someone, something they need or want. Not something YOU THINK they might need or want. You should always consult with the parents before giving children gifts. Always. That's the polite and nice thing to do, instead of just dropping something into a family whose rules and regulations you don't seem to know. Especially if you don't know if your gift is appropriate - ask! The grandparents don't have much contact she said, so clearly they don't know the screen time rules. They have to ask before dropping a screen time gift into a child's life then.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, I really don't get these rude responses to you. I completely agree with you on the inappropriateness of the gift. It is way, way overstepping to buy a child that expensive a gift, and especially not a technology gift, since technology requires so much supervision and also touches on your parenting philosophy regarding screen time, etc - certainly it is not something that should be foisted on a family without checking first.

I would have your DH say something like, "Thank you for Joey's birthday gift. It was kind of you to think of him. During his two hours of screen time a week [or whatever your limit is], he will enjoy using it. We appreciate your generosity, but we do feel a little bad that you spent so much money on an expensive gift that he won't get a lot of use out of. We would be happy to talk with you next year about your gift ideas so we can all be on the same page when planning for his birthday!"

My LO is only 1, and my frustration so far is that my MIL spends hundreds of dollars on stuffed toys for him, but she is a chain smoker so they reek (even after washings, if they can be washed, which most can't) and there's no way I'll let the baby play with them. But my DH doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her outright to stop buying them. I've told her that his pediatrician says no stuffed toys in the crib, and since I have bad asthma we generally are avoiding stuffed toys, but she buys them anyway. She's probably spent $500 in the past year on gifts that went into the garbage since I can't even donate them.

I know it's not my $$ to spend, but when I think of the zillion better ways she could be investing that money in her grandson -- like, contributing to his 529 -- it drives me nuts, but it's mostly the passive aggressive stuff that I can't stand. I'd prefer to just tell her, but DH refuses and would be angry with me if I did.

As a gift giver, I'd rather know that my gift choices weren't working out then just have the recipient not use them and never tell me. For example, I bought my nephew a lot of clothes his first couple of years -- mostly Osh Kosh B'Gosh overalls and onesies and feety PJ's -- and never, not one time, did I ever see him wear them. My brother would lie and tell me he had just worn them the other day, etc., but I never saw it. Finally, after my brother's death, my SIL's sister inadvertently revealed that my SIL had given away all this "ugly Osh Kosh clothing" over the years to a cousin of theirs because she couldn't stand that style and thought it was rednecky. (Which I can see re overalls, but I don't get about feety pj's, but I think she just had a "thing" about the brand and reflexively dislikes it or think's it's tacky.)

Anyway, I would MUCH rather have known and had gotten him savings bonds or contributed to a 529 or something rather than buy hundreds of dollars of carefully selected outfits that I thought were cute. I probably would have been a little insulted if she told me that she didn't care for that style, but exponentially less insulted than knowing I had thrown all that money away for nothing!

[Anonymous]

I would be more upset and the inequality in gifts.

OP, I would confront them. One kid gets basically nothing (shirt that's way too big doesn't count) and the other gets and Ipad mini?

I would likely stop giving the gifts to the kids for a while.