Need help wording this letter to my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.

Are you sure? Are you over 18? I was under the impression that your name can not be held on some one else's account without your on-going consent. If that's true, ask them to prepare the forms that are required, go pick them up, fill out everything except the signature block and then find a way to get your mom's signature.

btw - I'd also put a freeze on your credit just to make sure your family doesn't open any accounts in your name

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.

Start by opening another account in your own name and make sure that any direct deposits or money you have from this moment forward goes into your own account. Yes, if she is the primary account holder, they have to have her permission. Is the money in that account all yours or is some of it hers? Why is she on your account?

Contact her without emotion or drama - just the facts and what she needs to do. No big long explanation why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.

Start by opening another account in your own name and make sure that any direct deposits or money you have from this moment forward goes into your own account. Yes, if she is the primary account holder, they have to have her permission. Is the money in that account all yours or is some of it hers? Why is she on your account?

Contact her without emotion or drama - just the facts and what she needs to do. No big long explanation why.

Agreed. Without any emotion or reference to the drama that recently transpired, tell her the steps needed. If you can prepare any of the paperwork for her so it's easy, that's great. Otherwise, give her the name & number of who at the bank can complete the request and that the person is expecting her call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Why don't you have your own bank accts in the first place? Do you live with your family? What did they do to your dogs?

If you have your own place, you should establish your own bank accts and get another dog sitter. I don't think that you necessarily need to break off all communication with your family in any official way but you do need some serious space.

Yes, I'm am fairly young. But I will admit it, it took me longer to mature and to grow into my own person due to a very rough childhood. Honestly I'm still making up for everything. I'm always worked and for about two years I've been 85/100 on my own. I have my own place ( with roommates),I'm taking my GED, working three jobs, and taking college classes. When I reflect on my past ( I was a runaway) I realize now that I was trying to flee from them and just didn't know the proper way how to) My mom has the worst case of DIVA SYNDROME and in my book she's selfish and can't be trusted. Despite many chances she can't be trusted. My grandmother the one person I used to be able to depend on for help is now her robot. For example she has basically surrendered everything to my mom and brother. Her car, she's moved in with them ( her basement flooded again and it didn't get first the time because she gave the money to my mom) I think part of this has to do with she's trying to make up for being closer with me than my actual mom and trying to step in when my mom was abusing me ( mentally, physically, emotionally).

What happened with my dog is my grandmother agreed o watch my dogs while I finished out a super busy work week. Working three jobs I was going and going with little rest. My body can't take it. My work schedule is slowing down after this week. I have rarely asked them for help in months. My mother injected herself into everything and starting blowing my phone up from 5am. I didn't get home until about 1:30am. Talking about the dogs woke her so now she's waking me. When could I come and get them. I explained I couldn't at that exact moment because once again I'm finishing a busy work week and that's why my grandmother was helping me. She them created a big science yelling and screaming and threatening to come attack me. Them she tries to take my dogs the pound instead of letting them come home. She had put my dogs on craigslist and sent emails and texts to all her friends, THESE ARE THE TYPE OF GAMES MY FAMILY PLAYS TO TRY AND CONTROL ME. my dogs are like my children and doe spite everything I've cared for them. So this was unacceptable. Also what rubbed me the wrong way is my grandmother sitting there watching this go on and saying nothing.

OP- I'm sorry to hear about your life's circumstances. If you are able to move out and not be financially dependent on your family I think that would help you out a lot. Your mom id unstable. Perhaps she is mentally ill. Just let your grandmother know you're moving out and that you're safe. No need to let her know the details though.

As other have said though, don't send the letter. It is just something for your mother to feed off of and use against you. You are so used to the drama and the manipulation, you may miss it. Stay strong and stay away. Do not engage with them.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've already gotten the input that your letter is just part of the problem. As someone who has cut off contact with family, I can tell you that you are not there yet. Maybe you can salvage your relationship(s) by taking the steps you mentioned without going through the rest -- i.e., get the PO box, have your mail forwarded (agree, you do not need permission -- just go to the post office or fill out the form online), get your own bank account and phone, etc. Maybe setting up these boundaries will make your relationships healthier and they are probably long overdue.

If you were really at the point of no return, the letter you wrote would make you sick. When you are done, you know it with certainty. I hope you never get to that point. Distance and boundaries may help. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've already gotten the input that your letter is just part of the problem. As someone who has cut off contact with family, I can tell you that you are not there yet. Maybe you can salvage your relationship(s) by taking the steps you mentioned without going through the rest -- i.e., get the PO box, have your mail forwarded (agree, you do not need permission -- just go to the post office or fill out the form online), get your own bank account and phone, etc. Maybe setting up these boundaries will make your relationships healthier and they are probably long overdue.

If you were really at the point of no return, the letter you wrote would make you sick. When you are done, you know it with certainty. I hope you never get to that point. Distance and boundaries may help. Good luck.

OP, I just read your follow up and wow, your mom is sick. I take back some of what I posted above. You DO need to distance yourself but also keep front and center in all your dealings with your family that they are nuts. Your mom is ill and will hurt you when SHE needs to. You should be able to count on family for help when you need it, and it sounds like you needed it. Unfortunately, never think of your "family" in the way most people do. They will only make things worse for you. BTDT. Distance, never ask for help, be cordial, know in your heart you will never allow yourself to get sucked in. I can't imagine someone trying to take my pets to the pound while I tried to rest. Wow. Horrible.

Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.

Start by opening another account in your own name and make sure that any direct deposits or money you have from this moment forward goes into your own account. Yes, if she is the primary account holder, they have to have her permission. Is the money in that account all yours or is some of it hers? Why is she on your account?

Contact her without emotion or drama - just the facts and what she needs to do. No big long explanation why.

I agree with the bolded but I would not contact your mom about the savings account at least not right now. Stop depositing money. Depending on the amount, consider just letting it go and letting her have the money. It may be worth it to get the distance you need.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've already gotten the input that your letter is just part of the problem. As someone who has cut off contact with family, I can tell you that you are not there yet. Maybe you can salvage your relationship(s) by taking the steps you mentioned without going through the rest -- i.e., get the PO box, have your mail forwarded (agree, you do not need permission -- just go to the post office or fill out the form online), get your own bank account and phone, etc. Maybe setting up these boundaries will make your relationships healthier and they are probably long overdue.

If you were really at the point of no return, the letter you wrote would make you sick. When you are done, you know it with certainty. I hope you never get to that point. Distance and boundaries may help. Good luck.

OP, I just read your follow up and wow, your mom is sick. I take back some of what I posted above. You DO need to distance yourself but also keep front and center in all your dealings with your family that they are nuts. Your mom is ill and will hurt you when SHE needs to. You should be able to count on family for help when you need it, and it sounds like you needed it. Unfortunately, never think of your "family" in the way most people do. They will only make things worse for you. BTDT. Distance, never ask for help, be cordial, know in your heart you will never allow yourself to get sucked in. I can't imagine someone trying to take my pets to the pound while I tried to rest. Wow. Horrible.

Keep us posted.

All you said is true and part of the issue is my family loves to live in denial. After yesterday I'm scared for the future. What if I have children one day and instead of my dogs it's them. What if you lashes out her hatred towards them on me. What if she tries to treat them the same way she treats me. I just can't do this anymore with them. When I was a child they blamed all there problems on me. No one ever listened to me because my mom would make up her own versions of anything that happen and she made me look like an out of control child. When I told my grandfather what's going on he advised me to get away and separate my self. He knows also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you've already gotten the input that your letter is just part of the problem. As someone who has cut off contact with family, I can tell you that you are not there yet. Maybe you can salvage your relationship(s) by taking the steps you mentioned without going through the rest -- i.e., get the PO box, have your mail forwarded (agree, you do not need permission -- just go to the post office or fill out the form online), get your own bank account and phone, etc. Maybe setting up these boundaries will make your relationships healthier and they are probably long overdue.

If you were really at the point of no return, the letter you wrote would make you sick. When you are done, you know it with certainty. I hope you never get to that point. Distance and boundaries may help. Good luck.

OP, I just read your follow up and wow, your mom is sick. I take back some of what I posted above. You DO need to distance yourself but also keep front and center in all your dealings with your family that they are nuts. Your mom is ill and will hurt you when SHE needs to. You should be able to count on family for help when you need it, and it sounds like you needed it. Unfortunately, never think of your "family" in the way most people do. They will only make things worse for you. BTDT. Distance, never ask for help, be cordial, know in your heart you will never allow yourself to get sucked in. I can't imagine someone trying to take my pets to the pound while I tried to rest. Wow. Horrible.

Keep us posted.

All you said is true and part of the issue is my family loves to live in denial. After yesterday I'm scared for the future. What if I have children one day and instead of my dogs it's them. What if you lashes out her hatred towards them on me. What if she tries to treat them the same way she treats me. I just can't do this anymore with them. When I was a child they blamed all there problems on me. No one ever listened to me because my mom would make up her own versions of anything that happen and she made me look like an out of control child. When I told my grandfather what's going on he advised me to get away and separate my self. He knows also.

Listen to your grandfather. You are correct that this will spill over into your children if you ever have them. Again, BTDT. Work on this BEFORE you have kids.

[Anonymous]

OP the bank situation makes me feel that you have co mingled funds. That is you share the account a credit card and so on. Breaking off with the family is difficult. You may not be able to get your money away from your mom. Doubtless she is using that to control you. I certainly would not send a letter -- I would handle the bank situation first by nicely asking to remove your share of the money into a separate account. You may have to walk away from that money. I am sorry.
In the meantime go ahead with the mail and other things that you can control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

You need to be calm and go over to her in person. What is your freedom worth to you?

[Anonymous]

OP- I think you should seek legal advice and not DCUM (although there have been good posts). I'm sure money is tight but you're in a complex legal situation- find a lawyer and start taking steps to separate yourself. A simple letter won't do it. It has taken a couple decades for this kind of dysfunction to develop- you're not going to remove yourself from it overnight and it won't be free of charge.

I would suggest-
1) talk to a lawyer
2) set up your own checking account
3) see step 1

[Anonymous]

Sending that letter says does not say that you want to cut them off. That letter says you want to hurt them and you want them to feel badly for the way they have treated you. That letter says you are hoping that they will finally see how terrible they have been, change their behavior toward you, etc. As other PPs said, that letter is not going to be effective. I hope you have taken the advice you've gotten.

I hope you are able to get distance without completely cutting off your family. But gain independence and control. You need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

If you're fully on the account, then you don't need her permission to withdraw the money. I had joint accounts with my mother as the primary account holder as well, and all I had to do was show up at the bank with the account number and my ID and I could withdraw funds without my mother. I'm confused as to how your money is in there but you can't access it, your name is on the account, yet you can't take it off. Go to the bank in person and withdraw the portion that's yours. The only way you would need her permission with withdraw funds is if you're not joint on the account, but in your earlier post, it was clear you are.

Open your own account, preferably with a new bank since this one is giving you the run around.