Need help wording this letter to my family.

[Anonymous]

I was able to speak to my grandmother and the conversation went better than expected I guess because she was not around my mom. She agreed to transfer the money for me. I honestly think she feels bad but won't admit it. But I still plan to distance myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

OP, do you pay the bill also, or are just the account holder? There may be a way to transfer the account to someone else's name (my FIL transferred his account to my husband before we got married b/c the in-laws wanted to get a different provider and husband wanted to keep his account and phone and add me to his plan). Since you're the primary account holder, you know the password.

I've been in a similar situation, but didn't realize how controlling/manipulative certain family members were until my astute friends and then-BF informed me of their observations. I learned a lot about myself, mostly that I didn't respect or take care of myself as much as I should have.

If you're going to cut off your family or at least limit contact, you should first address the issues with them either face-to-face or in a letter, simply stating that you're thankful for their love and support but now that you're xx years old you need to become independent. Don't threaten any actions like moving far away or not letting them see your dogs or whatever. If they respond indignantly as if they've never done anything wrong and how could you be so rude etc. (which is most likely to happen), then tell them in a diplomatic way that if they can't respect you then you just can't be around them ever/as much as you used to.

And then HOLD FAST TO YOUR BOUNDARIES.

My biggest problem was that I wavered. No one to watch the dogs? Send them to a doggy daycare or boarding facility. Or ask your roommates to care for them for a lower fee. (Or, if you're really good friends with your roommates, they may do it for free.) But your independence is going to come at a price. And don't be afraid to dip into your savings if you need to (sparingly)--that's what it's for, right?

What about your grandpa? Is he married to your grandma or is he from the other side of the family? Since he agrees with you about their craziness and it sounds like you trust him, he may be able to help you out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

OP, do you pay the bill also, or are just the account holder? There may be a way to transfer the account to someone else's name (my FIL transferred his account to my husband before we got married b/c the in-laws wanted to get a different provider and husband wanted to keep his account and phone and add me to his plan). Since you're the primary account holder, you know the password.

I've been in a similar situation, but didn't realize how controlling/manipulative certain family members were until my astute friends and then-BF informed me of their observations. I learned a lot about myself, mostly that I didn't respect or take care of myself as much as I should have.

If you're going to cut off your family or at least limit contact, you should first address the issues with them either face-to-face or in a letter, simply stating that you're thankful for their love and support but now that you're xx years old you need to become independent. Don't threaten any actions like moving far away or not letting them see your dogs or whatever. If they respond indignantly as if they've never done anything wrong and how could you be so rude etc. (which is most likely to happen), then tell them in a diplomatic way that if they can't respect you then you just can't be around them ever/as much as you used to.

And then HOLD FAST TO YOUR BOUNDARIES.

My biggest problem was that I wavered. No one to watch the dogs? Send them to a doggy daycare or boarding facility. Or ask your roommates to care for them for a lower fee. (Or, if you're really good friends with your roommates, they may do it for free.) But your independence is going to come at a price. And don't be afraid to dip into your savings if you need to (sparingly)--that's what it's for, right?

What about your grandpa? Is he married to your grandma or is he from the other side of the family? Since he agrees with you about their craziness and it sounds like you trust him, he may be able to help you out.

Curious, why would OP say this when it is clearly not the case? What a mind game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I think you should seek legal advice and not DCUM (although there have been good posts). I'm sure money is tight but you're in a complex legal situation- find a lawyer and start taking steps to separate yourself. A simple letter won't do it. It has taken a couple decades for this kind of dysfunction to develop- you're not going to remove yourself from it overnight and it won't be free of charge.

I would suggest-
1) talk to a lawyer
2) set up your own checking account
3) see step 1

Wait until you see how expensive lawyers are and how futile that endeavor is...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP.

To clarify:

I live on my own with my roommates not with family (thank god)
I'm the phone account holder on our phone bill. My grandma constantly says she doesn't want the phone but won't pay the early termination fee and I can't be left with any extra expenses.
As far and the joint saving she refuses to answer the phone so I can get her to switch over the accounts. The bank is giving me a hard time. So pretty much I can't access the money without her ( another way to control me)
And yes all the money in the account is mine.

If you're fully on the account, then you don't need her permission to withdraw the money. I had joint accounts with my mother as the primary account holder as well, and all I had to do was show up at the bank with the account number and my ID and I could withdraw funds without my mother. I'm confused as to how your money is in there but you can't access it, your name is on the account, yet you can't take it off. Go to the bank in person and withdraw the portion that's yours. The only way you would need her permission with withdraw funds is if you're not joint on the account, but in your earlier post, it was clear you are.

Open your own account, preferably with a new bank since this one is giving you the run around.

+100 Don't say anything to anyone -- just write yourself a check or open another account , preferably at a different bank and make a wire transfer. Or a money order made out to cash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was able to speak to my grandmother and the conversation went better than expected I guess because she was not around my mom. She agreed to transfer the money for me. I honestly think she feels bad but won't admit it. But I still plan to distance myself.

Why is your grandmother needed to do this? Just write a check. You sound like you have limited funds. I like a check b/c hopefully it can be cleared without input from anyone. The more you can do things by internet or automatically, the easier it is. That is why I would take care of money issues first, then move on to relationship issues. Money is a great way to control someone, as you have found out. Talking things out with the bank has not been helpful to you. Why are you asking them? Is it more than $40K? No need to answer.

[Anonymous]

OP could just withdraw the money from the account since it is all hers. However, that might prompt OPs mother to write bad checks just to get revenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send it just AFTER you have set up the PO Box and the new savings account. Take care of these business items today. Then send this email:

Dear Family:
For my personal well-being, I need to cut off contact. This is I painful decision, but one that I feel is necessary. I have removed myself from the joint savings account and the phone bill. Please forward all mail to PO Box ___, Anytown, USA.

Please do not contact me.

Be well.
Larla

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.

Are you sure? Are you over 18? I was under the impression that your name can not be held on some one else's account without your on-going consent. If that's true, ask them to prepare the forms that are required, go pick them up, fill out everything except the signature block and then find a way to get your mom's signature.

btw - I'd also put a freeze on your credit just to make sure your family doesn't open any accounts in your name

+1