Need help wording this letter to my family.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound really sad. But that is not going to help or make them change their behavior. Make the changes then work on the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old are you? Why don't you have your own bank accts in the first place? Do you live with your family? What did they do to your dogs?

If you have your own place, you should establish your own bank accts and get another dog sitter. I don't think that you necessarily need to break off all communication with your family in any official way but you do need some serious space.

Yes, I'm am fairly young. But I will admit it, it took me longer to mature and to grow into my own person due to a very rough childhood. Honestly I'm still making up for everything. I'm always worked and for about two years I've been 85/100 on my own. I have my own place ( with roommates),I'm taking my GED, working three jobs, and taking college classes. When I reflect on my past ( I was a runaway) I realize now that I was trying to flee from them and just didn't know the proper way how to) My mom has the worst case of DIVA SYNDROME and in my book she's selfish and can't be trusted. Despite many chances she can't be trusted. My grandmother the one person I used to be able to depend on for help is now her robot. For example she has basically surrendered everything to my mom and brother. Her car, she's moved in with them ( her basement flooded again and it didn't get first the time because she gave the money to my mom) I think part of this has to do with she's trying to make up for being closer with me than my actual mom and trying to step in when my mom was abusing me ( mentally, physically, emotionally).

What happened with my dog is my grandmother agreed o watch my dogs while I finished out a super busy work week. Working three jobs I was going and going with little rest. My body can't take it. My work schedule is slowing down after this week. I have rarely asked them for help in months. My mother injected herself into everything and starting blowing my phone up from 5am. I didn't get home until about 1:30am. Talking about the dogs woke her so now she's waking me. When could I come and get them. I explained I couldn't at that exact moment because once again I'm finishing a busy work week and that's why my grandmother was helping me. She them created a big science yelling and screaming and threatening to come attack me. Them she tries to take my dogs the pound instead of letting them come home. She had put my dogs on craigslist and sent emails and texts to all her friends, THESE ARE THE TYPE OF GAMES MY FAMILY PLAYS TO TRY AND CONTROL ME. my dogs are like my children and doe spite everything I've cared for them. So this was unacceptable. Also what rubbed me the wrong way is my grandmother sitting there watching this go on and saying nothing.

[Anonymous]

Your letter will get you nothing: not understanding, not sympathy, not resolution.

Do not send it. Make arrangements to separate from them. Do not rely on them for anything else, find others who can help you with the dogs.

[Anonymous]

OK ... what you need to do is go, get a life of your own, away from them. But to do that, you won't be able to go back and ask favors. I feel so bad for your dogs that you don't have adequate supervision for them. You'll need to find some other help that doesn't involve your family.

Whatever you do, don't send the letter. Just do the things that you say in the letter without announcing it.

I find life a lot easier away from my family ... but they are in another country, thousands of miles away, so it's easy to do so without pointing fingers and laying blame.

Really, no need to create any more drama. Just stop asking them for help and stop interacting with them. You have a great excuse that you are very busy. Then, consider moving to another state far away.

[Anonymous]

You sound like you have a lot of growing up to do.

Stop asking them for favors, work to become independent (this means don't live with them and don't take money from them), and as others have said DO don't talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Silence is golden.
And actually very powerful.
It keeps people guessing, which will be ALL to your benefit.

If you have to communicate, do not offer an explanation, ever. You do not owe one to them, and it will put you in a defensive position. Communicate essential info only, in as few words as possible.

Set up the separate account, phone and PO box. If there are termination fees on your old accounts, you should pay them. Separating oneself from others requires a degree of financial independence. Which is why there are so many unhealthy dependent relationships in this world.

Good luck and stay strong. You are doing the right thing!

[Anonymous]

If you really want to separate from your family and grow up a bit, do not send a letter. Sending the letter is really saying "I am scared to make a change so I am sending this letter hoping you will stop me and I can just stay in my comfortable spot"

Changes and moving onto adulthood are scary but they are necessary and a do-it-yourself kind of thing. You will really can do this.

Next time you need help with your dogs, hire a dog sitter. There are plenty of them around. Yes, it will cost you money but then you will need to make a decision to make room in your budget for the dog sitter. If you can't, then you need to make the decision on whether right now the dogs might need to be in another home. It's really tough I know but you have to do what's best for you and the dogs.

Savings account - take your account info to a new bank and they will help you set up a new account. I would caution though on a joint account, to close it, you might need all owners to sign?? Not sure, never owned a joint account.

Phone - if someone else is paying, use until they cut the service off. Really, it's their choice to keep paying. Once they cut it off, get yourself a pay as you go phone.

[Anonymous]

OP you can't ask them to take care of your dogs. That only puts you in a compromising situation. If you can't do it yourself ...

[Anonymous]

You don't need to cut them off - that is drama. Cutting them off is just like running away.

You need to separate yourself and become independent. If you have taken on the responsibility of pets then you have to make time (maybe working less) to be able to care for them.

No need to say anything to them yet. Get your own bank account, you already have your own address - no need for a PO box. Distance yourself from them - no asking them for anything at all.

Set your own boundaries and stick to them. If your mom blows up your phone then block her number. Don't go over to her house. If you want to stay in contact with your grandma, meet her at a coffee shop and have a chat.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't send any such letter actually. I would set up your new savings account & remove yourself from the family account; remove yourself from the family phone plan (not sure what you were suggesting - that they should end their phone plan and pay the cancellation fees? If you're the primary on the account, then let your family know you're ending the plan at the end of the month and if they want to carry their number to a new plan, they have until X date before you're closing your entire plan down. If you're not the primary, just take your line off the group plan.) And set up your new PO box, and go to USPS and fill out the autoforwarding form so that anything coming into your name automatically is forwarded to your PO Box. Also change your address with all your providers.

While you're doing this, don't proactively reach out to your family - other than to let them know you're ending your family phone plan if you're the primary on the account - and then when you're done with your new accounts, let them know that you're taking some time and space for yourself for the foreseeable future. Don't engage further.

Those emails never go well. Ever. Just do what you need to do and then maintain your distance.

[Anonymous]

Agreeing with everyone else OP. If you want to disengage from your family then just do it. Make all the changes you need to make, take the actions, don't contact them, don't call them or rely on them for help. Go live your life as an independent adult.

Then you can determine the extent to which you choose to be in contact with them or not.

But first you have to go be a grown up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think sending the letter is going to be part of the never ending drama. It's going to create a new spiral of drama.

Just take the steps to remove yourself from the situation. Do what you need to do. Create the boundaries. Don't announce. Do.

Absolutely. Take the actions you need to and stop engaging with them, period. No need for an announcement. They will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Good idea to get a PO box. The little ones are cheap if you can pay for 6mo or a year. That will make sure you get all bills and stuff if you have roommates and might move every year or two.

Check on the phone thing - you might need some cooperation. You don't want to be in a situation where your credit is ruined b/c of an unpain bill your name is on. Maybe do that part first. The joint bank account might generate fees, but an unpaid bill is worse long term.

It sounds like you just need to get away from this drama. You're doing so many things right to get an education and hold down 3 jobs. Don't be dramatic with a letter. Just cooly and calmly start separating yourself on paper and then be around less and less.

My mom is also full of drama, although to a lesser extent. I bet you'll find you're able to roll your eyes and move on from her crazy once you have more control over your day to day life. Sometime soon you'll have a degree and 1 job with a regular schedule. Hopefully then you can maintain some contact with your family and set a decent example on how to behave like a reasonable person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send it just AFTER you have set up the PO Box and the new savings account. Take care of these business items today. Then send this email:

Dear Family:
For my personal well-being, I need to cut off contact. This is I painful decision, but one that I feel is necessary. I have removed myself from the joint savings account and the phone bill. Please forward all mail to PO Box ___, Anytown, USA.

Please do not contact me.

Be well.
Larla

This.

[Anonymous]

I just called my bank and they said she has to be the one to change the account so that I can remove my name or take my money out. So I basically have to contact her.