In a hanging conversation, feeling like a dummy

[Anonymous]

What was in his "kind e-mail?" Did he mention anything about your marriage in it? It is kind of difficult to make an opinion about the "hanging conversation" w/out knowing what he stated in his e-mail to you, but I will try.

Don't feel awkward. It is what it is.

You stated how you felt which is a mature thing to do. Time had to pass for you to be able to say what you had to say, it wasn't something that you could have told him immediately after you both broke up because the feelings were just too raw. Now that you both have healed and moved on a bit, it's much easier to express certain emotions.

Kudos to you for making the first move. Understand that many men do not express themselves, especially in the written form as well as women do. You said what you said, he knows how you feel, and that is that. Like I stated before, it is what it is. And that is not a bad thing.

You are most definitely not a dummy!!!!!!!!
You are a mature human being and your actions toward your ex have surely demonstrated just that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of us have been in love and been dumped. I don't see how this means the other person has a right to be mean to the dumper. I have never felt I had a right to be mean, unless the relationship was handled or ended maliciously. Maybe OP's husband has a right to be hurt and a right not to engage in conversations about the relationship. But a right to be mean is going a bit far. There is nothing wrong with OP seeking closure on a relationship that was as much hers as his. He has a right to protect himself and decline to participate in that closure, and to not want to be friends. But it doesn't make her a jerk for reaching out. He send her a kind message, she responded. Fine for him to leave it there. Fine for her to wish she could get more closure. Fine for her not to get it.

Closure...what the heck is closure?
Is it me or do only women want closure?
I can't recall ever hearing a guy saying he wants closure.

Men should seek closure, but they often don't. And that's why there are a lot of men out there who have no clue how to behave in subsequent relationships.

Why is it always the man's fault? Does everything at the end have to be talked to death when the only thing anyone gives a crap about is hurt feelings and moving on? To look into someone's eyes that you have shared your life with and say, "I don't want to see you anymore" has to be the worst feeling in the world, no matter which side of that you sit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of us have been in love and been dumped. I don't see how this means the other person has a right to be mean to the dumper. I have never felt I had a right to be mean, unless the relationship was handled or ended maliciously. Maybe OP's husband has a right to be hurt and a right not to engage in conversations about the relationship. But a right to be mean is going a bit far. There is nothing wrong with OP seeking closure on a relationship that was as much hers as his. He has a right to protect himself and decline to participate in that closure, and to not want to be friends. But it doesn't make her a jerk for reaching out. He send her a kind message, she responded. Fine for him to leave it there. Fine for her to wish she could get more closure. Fine for her not to get it.

Closure...what the heck is closure?
Is it me or do only women want closure?
I can't recall ever hearing a guy saying he wants closure.

Men should seek closure, but they often don't. And that's why there are a lot of men out there who have no clue how to behave in subsequent relationships.

Oh....now I understand!!
So all these lonely depressed neurotic hypercritical and hyper-paranoid women who completely destroy subsequent relationships by continually harping on some crap that happened 20 years ago or refuse to just freaking move on already from some past romance - those women didn't get proper closure is that what you're saying?

[Anonymous]

He wrote a kind email and you wrote a kind email. That may be the end of it. He may not want to get deeper into it, especially over email. I think you need to take it as your closure. You might still hear back - it's not like this stuff has a time limit, like a purchase offer with an expiration date.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people should wait for closure, but don't. Often they'll move on to the next relationship without it, without examining what REALLY went wrong, or what they could have done differently. And they'll end up going down the same road again, or an even worse one. I think some people think that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. in some cases, that might work. But in more cases, when that relationship ends, then you've got two break-ups to get over, not one.

Some of the women who are seeking "closure" for years are just crazy, though. what they really want is for things to have gone differently, and unless you have a hot tub time machine, that's not happening. Sometimes the best closure is to say to yourself, "That guy was a douche. I am better than that" and be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

And cruel.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry but the OP sounds like a real self-centered bitch.
She leaves him despite his wishes to try and reconcile their marriage which evidently tore him up a great deal because he was "acting crazy for a while"
And now 8mths after he "finally calmed down" and they're all amicable as co-parents she has an attitude because he doesn't want to revisit something that was obviously difficult for him to accept and move past.
What the...
The man has finally got his mind right and you want to f*ck that all up just because you want exoneration - or as you like to say, "closure"
Gimmie a break.
You should thank your lucky stars that he isn't acting crazy anymore and leave it at that.
You left him lady so your days of imposing expectations on him are over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but the OP sounds like a real self-centered bitch.
She leaves him despite his wishes to try and reconcile their marriage which evidently tore him up a great deal because he was "acting crazy for a while"
And now 8mths after he "finally calmed down" and they're all amicable as co-parents she has an attitude because he doesn't want to revisit something that was obviously difficult for him to accept and move past.
What the...
The man has finally got his mind right and you want to f*ck that all up just because you want exoneration - or as you like to say, "closure"
Gimmie a break.
You should thank your lucky stars that he isn't acting crazy anymore and leave it at that.
You left him lady so your days of imposing expectations on him are over.

Well, there are usually at least two sides to every story. But I will say to the women who have posted, is it too much to realize that men actually have feelings? Believe it or not, we fall in love with you and want to protect and be a good companion to you. And despite our best efforts, if/when you dump us, it's like getting stuck with a dagger. We're not robots who have no emotions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

ITA. I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean but damn... you broke his heart, why peel the scab off the wounds? You were feeling generous when you wrote it... it probably made him feel bitter and angry, which are most likely the feelings he's worked his ass off to get past.

I'm a recently divorced ex wife whose DH probably feels like yours- broken hearted etc. You have to remember- This isn't about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

ITA. I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean but damn... you broke his heart, why peel the scab off the wounds? You were feeling generous when you wrote it... it probably made him feel bitter and angry, which are most likely the feelings he's worked his ass off to get past.

I'm a recently divorced ex wife whose DH probably feels like yours- broken hearted etc. You have to remember- This isn't about you.

Why do women keep leaving guys? No wonder none of my friends want to get married. Who wants to be in a situation where the risk is so high?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

ITA. I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean but damn... you broke his heart, why peel the scab off the wounds? You were feeling generous when you wrote it... it probably made him feel bitter and angry, which are most likely the feelings he's worked his ass off to get past.

I'm a recently divorced ex wife whose DH probably feels like yours- broken hearted etc. You have to remember- This isn't about you.

Why do women keep leaving guys? No wonder none of my friends want to get married. Who wants to be in a situation where the risk is so high?

I'm the PP. I didn't leave my DH and he contributed to our divorce at least as much as much as I did, but he still probably feels devastated in the way OP and other men in this thread have stated that they felt. I say this based on knowing him, not based on the particulars of the demise of our marriage.

[Anonymous]

So what exactly is closure anyway. Is that one of those heart-to-heart sit downs where both parties offer feigned apologies and exchange artificial well-wishes? Is that how closure works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what exactly is closure anyway. Is that one of those heart-to-heart sit downs where both parties offer feigned apologies and exchange artificial well-wishes? Is that how closure works?

Here is an example. About five years after someone broke up with me, she called, we talked, and decided to meet and catch up. The reality is that if you were seriously involved with someone, there are always unanswered questions. And she asked a bunch of them: What were you thinking the night we broke up? What do you think would have happened to us if that night had never occurred? Are you angry at me? Were you really in love with me? I was more than happy to answer these and I did so honestly. Why not?

This to me is closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

ITA. I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean but damn... you broke his heart, why peel the scab off the wounds? You were feeling generous when you wrote it... it probably made him feel bitter and angry, which are most likely the feelings he's worked his ass off to get past.

I'm a recently divorced ex wife whose DH probably feels like yours- broken hearted etc. You have to remember- This isn't about you.

Why do women keep leaving guys? No wonder none of my friends want to get married. Who wants to be in a situation where the risk is so high?

I'm the PP. I didn't leave my DH and he contributed to our divorce at least as much as much as I did, but he still probably feels devastated in the way OP and other men in this thread have stated that they felt. I say this based on knowing him, not based on the particulars of the demise of our marriage.

I agree with this. I'm one of the pp's going through marriage counseling because of me saying to dh that it was that or we split. His biggest reaction has been hurt feelings due to rejection. He's said nothing about me, that he loves me, he cares about me, he would miss seeing me every day, talking to me. Only that he feels hurt, that he feels rejected.

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to feel that way, but that feeling is just about him. It's not about wanting to be married to me, it's just hurt like you are when you get fired from a job.

For the woman, for me, that feels like I'm right when I feel that he doesn't really love me or care about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you were selfish to write that.

ITA. I'm sure you weren't trying to be mean but damn... you broke his heart, why peel the scab off the wounds? You were feeling generous when you wrote it... it probably made him feel bitter and angry, which are most likely the feelings he's worked his ass off to get past.

I'm a recently divorced ex wife whose DH probably feels like yours- broken hearted etc. You have to remember- This isn't about you.

Why do women keep leaving guys? No wonder none of my friends want to get married. Who wants to be in a situation where the risk is so high?

I'm the PP. I didn't leave my DH and he contributed to our divorce at least as much as much as I did, but he still probably feels devastated in the way OP and other men in this thread have stated that they felt. I say this based on knowing him, not based on the particulars of the demise of our marriage.

I agree with this. I'm one of the pp's going through marriage counseling because of me saying to dh that it was that or we split. His biggest reaction has been hurt feelings due to rejection. He's said nothing about me, that he loves me, he cares about me, he would miss seeing me every day, talking to me. Only that he feels hurt, that he feels rejected.

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to feel that way, but that feeling is just about him. It's not about wanting to be married to me, it's just hurt like you are when you get fired from a job.

For the woman, for me, that feels like I'm right when I feel that he doesn't really love me or care about me.

Of course you know that men and women think and behave differently? He does feel rejected. He feels like a familiar as a man because his wife, yes you, is saying that she is not happy with what he provides. Sitting in counseling is the ultimate ego deflator, especially if the counselor is a woman. At each session he hears about how he is inadequate and clueless.

Men don't sit there like women and discuss their feelings-they take action. Wife unhappy? Buy flowers? She says the house looks like a dump? Do some work on it. I don't know you or your husband but the fact that he at least goes to counseling means that he does love you and cares enough to show up. HE knows that you provide emotional support to him and would miss it.