In a hanging conversation, feeling like a dummy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

I mean this in the kindest possible way.

You sound immature. Your ex has been blindsided and had his life turned upside down. He's finally getting back on his feet, and you reopen the conversation about your relationship over email and then are shocked that he doesn't respond? I really don't know what sort of response you wanted or expected. Did you want to hear that he's still pining for you? You sound very blasé about the whole thing, and come across as not really getting what he has been through. If he gets that vibe from you too, then I can see why he doesn't want to reopen old wounds.

I would just forget about it and focus on keeping your co-parenting relationship on an even keel.

[Anonymous]

I think you made a huge mistake, OP. This was really about your feelings, not his. You did this because you felt guilty and you wanted to "make nice" with him. When you give up a relationship, you give up the good with the bad. He earned the right to be angry with you forever. He earned the right to be mean to you. He was entitled to that, and you had to take it. What you did effectively pulled the scab off his healing heart. It made you feel good about yourself and sunny about leaving him. It was not a well chosen act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you made a huge mistake, OP. This was really about your feelings, not his. You did this because you felt guilty and you wanted to "make nice" with him. When you give up a relationship, you give up the good with the bad. He earned the right to be angry with you forever. He earned the right to be mean to you. He was entitled to that, and you had to take it. What you did effectively pulled the scab off his healing heart. It made you feel good about yourself and sunny about leaving him. It was not a well chosen act.

+1 very eloquently said and 100% spot on (I'm the earlier PP/divorced dad)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you made a huge mistake, OP. This was really about your feelings, not his. You did this because you felt guilty and you wanted to "make nice" with him. When you give up a relationship, you give up the good with the bad. He earned the right to be angry with you forever. He earned the right to be mean to you. He was entitled to that, and you had to take it. What you did effectively pulled the scab off his healing heart. It made you feel good about yourself and sunny about leaving him. It was not a well chosen act.

+1 very eloquently said and 100% spot on (I'm the earlier PP/divorced dad)

I truly hope the ex finds a woman that will love him for who he is and form a true partnership. Obviously this didn't happen in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

I had an ex that wanted to do this a year after we broke up. I told the mutual friend to not give my contact info. I had better things to do than waste time and energy for her to clear her conscience.

She was vicious for no reason during the breakup. I didn't want to listen to her bullshit apology after she chose to act like that. I was over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had an ex that wanted to do this a year after we broke up. I told the mutual friend to not give my contact info. I had better things to do than waste time and energy for her to clear her conscience.

She was vicious for no reason during the breakup. I didn't want to listen to her bullshit apology after she chose to act like that. I was over it.

I had an ex that dumped me and years later found me on FB, wrote me a message, and wanted to connect. Knowing her insatiable need for attention, not responding was the greatest feeling. Women sometimes get this idea that men can't get over them. We can and do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

So you dump your husband to "find yourself" (you may as well go into a little detail about why you left, otherwise people will just assume selfish motives) and then get butthurt because he's not going to invest a lot of emotional energy/time into your relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

So you dump your husband to "find yourself" (you may as well go into a little detail about why you left, otherwise people will just assume selfish motives) and then get butthurt because he's not going to invest a lot of emotional energy/time into your relationship?

+1
NEWSFLASH!!! - this is planet Earth OP not planet Ourisman Chevrolet where you always get your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short story: I left ex-H, he did not want to break up, he fought for it and acted completely crazy for a while. We divorced. He finally calmed down about 8 months ago. Since then we have better communication (we co-parent). Definitely friendlier but have never discussed the break up, kept it strictly to co-parenting issues.

Recently, he wrote a very kind email and I responded by letting him know, in more or less words, part of me will always love him. And it's sad we did not make it.

Feeling like a total dummy because he never replied. We've had contact, very friendly and normal, about co-parenting stuff.

I can understand he wouldn't respond out of self-preservation, I know he was very hurt as of course, was I. I can also understand he may not want to open the "Relationship Talk" can of worms. Just feeling dumb about laying it out there but also think it's also good and mature to make amends, especially since we'll be in each other's lives forever.

Hoping I still get a response in some way or another. Feels like a hanging conversation.

So you dump your husband to "find yourself" (you may as well go into a little detail about why you left, otherwise people will just assume selfish motives) and then get butthurt because he's not going to invest a lot of emotional energy/time into your relationship?

We married in our early 20s. He spent our first several years of marriage in a serious tug of war between our family and wanting to be "young and free" with his friends. It was very painful, very rejecting, even though, I do know he loved me and the kids. By the time he had grown up and decided it was us he wanted to invest in, it was clear it would be better for me and the kids to move on. A lot of damage was done and they had done a lot of growing up without him. Our (mine and the kids) more stable emotional life and improved standard of living in the years since the divorce is a testament to the divorce being necessary and better for us.

I did not write him for attention. I wrote him because I want us to forgive each other and very very sadly I mourn love was not enough. The mistakes do not negate the love, the love could not make up for the errors.

[Anonymous]

You are selfish OP and you'll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. I feel sorry for your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are selfish OP and you'll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. I feel sorry for your children.

OP is selfish for leaving someone who could not commit until he had already lost his family? Their lives improved. OP has not mentioned regretting the divorce but wanting to make peace -- those are two different things and you are reading it what you want. In fact, all of you people who got dumped are projecting so bad. The fact is, you get one go with most people. You fuck it up for long enough, they'll leave. Dehumanizing them to the point you cannot accept a kind word after the relationship ends only reflects that you're hung up on it and are making a decision to be bitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are selfish OP and you'll have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. I feel sorry for your children.

What? She ended the marriage because her husband was not invested in it and was out living free. And she is selfish? And you feel sorry for her children? Are you the poster who is always says, "I feel sorry for your children," even when there is no indication that the OP is neglecting his/her children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you made a huge mistake, OP. This was really about your feelings, not his. You did this because you felt guilty and you wanted to "make nice" with him. When you give up a relationship, you give up the good with the bad. He earned the right to be angry with you forever. He earned the right to be mean to you. He was entitled to that, and you had to take it. What you did effectively pulled the scab off his healing heart. It made you feel good about yourself and sunny about leaving him. It was not a well chosen act.

+1 very eloquently said and 100% spot on (I'm the earlier PP/divorced dad)

Most of us have been in love and been dumped. I don't see how this means the other person has a right to be mean to the dumper. I have never felt I had a right to be mean, unless the relationship was handled or ended maliciously. Maybe OP's husband has a right to be hurt and a right not to engage in conversations about the relationship. But a right to be mean is going a bit far. There is nothing wrong with OP seeking closure on a relationship that was as much hers as his. He has a right to protect himself and decline to participate in that closure, and to not want to be friends. But it doesn't make her a jerk for reaching out. He send her a kind message, she responded. Fine for him to leave it there. Fine for her to wish she could get more closure. Fine for her not to get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of us have been in love and been dumped. I don't see how this means the other person has a right to be mean to the dumper. I have never felt I had a right to be mean, unless the relationship was handled or ended maliciously. Maybe OP's husband has a right to be hurt and a right not to engage in conversations about the relationship. But a right to be mean is going a bit far. There is nothing wrong with OP seeking closure on a relationship that was as much hers as his. He has a right to protect himself and decline to participate in that closure, and to not want to be friends. But it doesn't make her a jerk for reaching out. He send her a kind message, she responded. Fine for him to leave it there. Fine for her to wish she could get more closure. Fine for her not to get it.

Closure...what the heck is closure?
Is it me or do only women want closure?
I can't recall ever hearing a guy saying he wants closure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most of us have been in love and been dumped. I don't see how this means the other person has a right to be mean to the dumper. I have never felt I had a right to be mean, unless the relationship was handled or ended maliciously. Maybe OP's husband has a right to be hurt and a right not to engage in conversations about the relationship. But a right to be mean is going a bit far. There is nothing wrong with OP seeking closure on a relationship that was as much hers as his. He has a right to protect himself and decline to participate in that closure, and to not want to be friends. But it doesn't make her a jerk for reaching out. He send her a kind message, she responded. Fine for him to leave it there. Fine for her to wish she could get more closure. Fine for her not to get it.

Closure...what the heck is closure?
Is it me or do only women want closure?
I can't recall ever hearing a guy saying he wants closure.

Men should seek closure, but they often don't. And that's why there are a lot of men out there who have no clue how to behave in subsequent relationships.