Where should the in-laws stay?

[Anonymous]

Why does staying in a hotel mean seeing the kid less? Just tell them to come over.

My standard for staying in my small house -
Can I dump the (now 3 year old) kid on you and go back to bed for an hour? Two when he was younger. Will you watch the kid without interrupting our extra sleep? If not (and if you're not one of our brothers) you're in a hotel.

[Anonymous]

"You suggested" You are not firm enough, otherwise there wouldn't be any more discussion with them or asking on a message board. Work on your resolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. If you buy a gift for one kid you don't automatically have to buy a gift for the other kid. FAIR does NOT mean EQUAL. If your in laws want to visit more, then they need to be better guests. It's that simple.

You need to be able to talk to your husband, OP, and tell him that his parents walking into your bedroom is completely unacceptable. Get a lock on your door. Use it. But speak honestly with your husband.

I agree with this. When my mom comes alone, she stays on the couch. ILs stay in a hotel. There are two of them and they drive me crazy. Life isn't fair and if your ILs want to stay at your house, they have to be better guests. The week before you have a big project at work is not the time to test this out. Why on earth can't you tell your husband how you feel? That sounds like a bigger problem.

You could compromise by saying you need a few nights to yourself to prepare for your project. Your mom stays 2 nights, ILs stay 2 nights then they move back to the hotel. Maybe 1 night will be enough for them when they realize they have to get up at 7am and keep the TV off all day. And if they do something obnoxious, tell them! I would be livid if my ILs opened the door to my bedroom without knocking.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I still can't get past FIL yelling at the 4 month old to knock it off. Good grief OP. Hotel time. Hotel time.

[Anonymous]

Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Are your parents good house guests? Do you have enough space for them to have their own room? Are those things taken into consideration, or is the culture more like, "You're parents, you'll stay with us no matter the circumstances?"

Just curious. My family is from Poland, and I grew up there under Communism in a teeny tiny apartment. When I was growing up, family would come visit and the place would be bursting at the seams to accommodate everyone, and it created tension. You wanted to be hospitable, but it was just so cramped.

I don't mind family staying now that we have a big house, but when I had my first apartment in DC, I told everyone that they could only stay a couple nights if they came to visit. It was hard to my parents to understand, and they were probably hurt. Now that there's more space, they're welcome whenever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Seriously? It's the end of the world to stay in a hotel or make other kinds of adjustments if one's DS or DD is in a happy cross-cultural relationship? These kinds of statements are a little ridiculous...immigrating and then expecting not to adjust to the cultural norm of the place you're living in isn't going to help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I think you are setting yourself up for both DH and the in laws to resent you. Either nobody stays in a hotel or everyone does. Personally I don't have an extra $1000-1500 laying around I would want to spend on a hotel for this so I would suck it up.

^^ this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Funny but true. I am Caucasian and married to an Asian. His parents take it to a whole different level. When they went to visit the little brother and his fiancée in a tiny one bedroom one bath apartment, they stayed with them and brought the other brother. So a total of 5 people for days. I truly don't get it. I get that they are family and all but enmeshed is more like it. They have plenty of money and need to be respectful of the new family dynamic and stay elsewhere in my opinion. When they went to visit my now husband when we were dating in his town home, they stayed on the air mattress or on the floor. Seriously. It completely baffles me because my parents will only stay at Four seasons etc. want their space and amentities too. Again his parents have plenty of money, just crazy enmeshed who don't know how to let go of their babies...

Op- I think all of your inlaws need to stay in a hotel or all at your house until you establish ground rules for everyone here on out. I fully agree with you though as my mom who is very helpful will come to see us solo. It's a hard bridge to cross with a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Are your parents good house guests? Do you have enough space for them to have their own room? Are those things taken into consideration, or is the culture more like, "You're parents, you'll stay with us no matter the circumstances?"

Just curious. My family is from Poland, and I grew up there under Communism in a teeny tiny apartment. When I was growing up, family would come visit and the place would be bursting at the seams to accommodate everyone, and it created tension. You wanted to be hospitable, but it was just so cramped.

I don't mind family staying now that we have a big house, but when I had my first apartment in DC, I told everyone that they could only stay a couple nights if they came to visit. It was hard to my parents to understand, and they were probably hurt. Now that there's more space, they're welcome whenever.

We have been in your position - apartment with limited space and now something more spacious. But fundamentally, it does not matter because the fact they are family takes precedence over everything else. It is inconceivable that we - and this is true for most Asians - would ever consider asking parents/in-laws to stay in a hotel. In fact, any suggestion to that effect would be offensive to both sides.

As far as being good house-guests, there are frustrations especially as it relates to food preferences. Also, they feel they have a certain amount of say in how the children should be raised and disciplined just by virtue of being grandparents with more experience. We just work with them. But the underlying reason why it works is because family takes precedence over creature comforts and individuality.

Now there are lots of upsides as well especially in terms of the closeness that develops between the grandchildren and their grandparents and the total dependability of the parents when there is a need. Quite honestly my parents and my in-laws would take a bullet for their children or grandchildren and would not have a second thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Funny but true. I am Caucasian and married to an Asian. His parents take it to a whole different level. When they went to visit the little brother and his fiancée in a tiny one bedroom one bath apartment, they stayed with them and brought the other brother. So a total of 5 people for days. I truly don't get it. I get that they are family and all but enmeshed is more like it. They have plenty of money and need to be respectful of the new family dynamic and stay elsewhere in my opinion. When they went to visit my now husband when we were dating in his town home, they stayed on the air mattress or on the floor. Seriously. It completely baffles me because my parents will only stay at Four seasons etc. want their space and amentities too. Again his parents have plenty of money, just crazy enmeshed who don't know how to let go of their babies...

Op- I think all of your inlaws need to stay in a hotel or all at your house until you establish ground rules for everyone here on out. I fully agree with you though as my mom who is very helpful will come to see us solo. It's a hard bridge to cross with a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. Good luck!

Yes, they are enmeshed - because they are family. My parents would do the very same thing if there were not enough room. And believe me, they have plenty of money. So that is not the issue.

My sister made it very clear to her then Caucasian boyfriend as to the importance of family to her and how getting married would not change that aspect. He said he was totally on board. After they got engaged, my parents went to visit them and stay with them for two weeks. He clearly did not like it. My parents did not say anything but not long after this visit, she broke off the engagement and told him the reason was the way he treated our parents. He was shocked because he did not think he had done anything wrong.

It is a difficult concept for Westerners to understand - but then Asians and some other eastern cultures are bemused and horrified by how some Westerners treat their own families.

[Anonymous]

Op I think the issue here is that every single aspect of it favors your mother and disadvantages DH's parents.

I imagine too that given you don't like them it will also be easy to just limit how much they come over while you are here if they stay at a hotel. You can tell them tomorrow isn't a good day, can you visit the city instead or you'll want them to go out for dinner instead of dropping over and you won't want them there for baby's bedtime or any other time that isn't convenient for you. Yet your mom will be part of everything and you'll welcome her into your home and life.

I really don't get why your mom is coming for Easter. That seems pretty rude and inconsiderate given she sees you often. To try and also be there when the in-laws fly in and then to be the one staying at the house when in far away grandparents who don't get to see the kids often are stuck at a hotel. No idea why your mom is coming.

If I flew to see family and found that that local family was staying with them and being involved in everything while I was stuck at a hotel and only involved on invitation. I would realize that I was not wanted or liked and simply wouldn't visit again. If that is what you are hoping they realize your DH really needs to be on board with you trying to push he family away and bring your mom closer. I highly doubt if the situation was reserved and your parents were flying in for a visit, you would put them in a hotel and invite your local inlaws to come and stay with you during that time.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps a summer or holiday vacation would have been more suitable.

I would not have allowed them to spend a whole week at Easter when you and DH are working. Plus the nanny will have to do double duty trying to care for baby and being distracted with in laws. At this point, I would have no problem with them staying in a hotel.

As for your mom, since she comes more often, maybe she should just come for one night or just postpone and come at a later date.

You need to nip this in the bud right now with husband or you are going to have much, much holiday hosting grief .

[Anonymous]

Hotel for inlaws, but they can come over whenever they want, and take the baby out. The last weekend, they can come sleep over as a compromise.

It's hard bc your moms coming too. Starting next year orate holidays. I know your moms a widow and you want to include her, but this isn't fair to anyone, you, inlaws , DH. You are all family and the other choice is get a bigger apt, or move baby into your room this time and inlaws stay in their room. Get a door with a lock and lock your bedroom.

[Anonymous]

The mom is only there for 2 nights. The others are there for a week!! That alone makes the difference with regard to fairness. And she is ONE person as opposed to two. This changes the ballpark in regards to fairness totally.