Where should the in-laws stay?

[Anonymous]

DH, DS (13 months old) and I live in a teeny tiny apartment, less than 750 square feet. Before DS was born, whenever the in-laws would come to town they stayed with us. But now that we no longer have a guest room, if we have overnight guests they have to stay on the pull out sofa in our living room.

The in-laws and my mom (who is widowed) will be coming to visit for Easter. In-laws are traveling from the midwest and they've seen DS about 4 times since he was born. My mother is visiting from NJ. We see her about every 1 1/2 - 2 months. When my mom comes to visit, she stays with us, usually only 2-3 nights. My husband and I both find her to be very helpful and an easy houseguests.

DH's parents, however, don't help out around the house when they visit, and they spend a lot of time either watching television or on their computers. They sleep late. They stayed with us last summer when DS was a couple months old, and I found it to be extremely stressful having them in the house. They don't have a sense of personal boundaries - MIL would open the door to our bedroom and wander in looking for DS, without knocking (once while I was in the middle of getting dressed!) FIL loves our son, but he was very little patience and last summer yelled at DS to "knock it off" when he had been super fussy (DS was about 4 months at the time. . . )

DH and I both work FT and we have a nanny coming to the house. We suggested to the in-laws that they stay at a hotel for Easter so that everyone would have more space. My mom will be staying our place for two nights Easter weekend. (She is on a very limited income and can't easily afford a hotel). In-laws will be staying a whole week. They keep insisting that when my mom goes home, they want to stay with us, on the couch, because they have seen so little of DS. DH now wants them to stay with us as well, because he feels badly that they haven't seen our kid as much as my mom has - he says that it's not fair.

I can't tell DH that his parents get on my every last nerve. Our house seems full as it is when there's just the three of us plus nanny. I can't imagine that the inlaws will be very comfortable when the nanny arrives at 7:15 every morning. DH knows that his parents aren't the best house guests, but I can't tell him how much they irritate me. I can handle them in small doses, but 5 nights with them would put me over the top. The day after they fly out I have a major work project due, which they know about, and I'm worried that I'll be so stressed about that, that their presence will push me over the edge.

Suggestions??

[Anonymous]

If you don't speak up for yourself, nobody else will.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why they both have to come at the same time, especially when you get to see your mom a lot more often. Can't she come another weekend? NJ isn't far away.

I think your in laws should definitely stay in a hotel. Say that the nanny needs the family room at 7:15 when she arrives. Offer to split the costs of the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why they both have to come at the same time, especially when you get to see your mom a lot more often. Can't she come another weekend? NJ isn't far away.

I think your in laws should definitely stay in a hotel. Say that the nanny needs the family room at 7:15 when she arrives. Offer to split the costs of the hotel.

Normally, we try to avoid having them stay here at the same time, but they both want to come for Easter, which is an important holiday for all the grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH, DS (13 months old) and I live in a teeny tiny apartment, less than 750 square feet. Before DS was born, whenever the in-laws would come to town they stayed with us. But now that we no longer have a guest room, if we have overnight guests they have to stay on the pull out sofa in our living room.

The in-laws and my mom (who is widowed) will be coming to visit for Easter. In-laws are traveling from the midwest and they've seen DS about 4 times since he was born. My mother is visiting from NJ. We see her about every 1 1/2 - 2 months. When my mom comes to visit, she stays with us, usually only 2-3 nights. My husband and I both find her to be very helpful and an easy houseguests.

DH's parents, however, don't help out around the house when they visit, and they spend a lot of time either watching television or on their computers. They sleep late. They stayed with us last summer when DS was a couple months old, and I found it to be extremely stressful having them in the house. They don't have a sense of personal boundaries - MIL would open the door to our bedroom and wander in looking for DS, without knocking (once while I was in the middle of getting dressed!) FIL loves our son, but he was very little patience and last summer yelled at DS to "knock it off" when he had been super fussy (DS was about 4 months at the time. . . )

DH and I both work FT and we have a nanny coming to the house. We suggested to the in-laws that they stay at a hotel for Easter so that everyone would have more space. My mom will be staying our place for two nights Easter weekend. (She is on a very limited income and can't easily afford a hotel). In-laws will be staying a whole week. They keep insisting that when my mom goes home, they want to stay with us, on the couch, because they have seen so little of DS. DH now wants them to stay with us as well, because he feels badly that they haven't seen our kid as much as my mom has - he says that it's not fair.

I can't tell DH that his parents get on my every last nerve. Our house seems full as it is when there's just the three of us plus nanny. I can't imagine that the inlaws will be very comfortable when the nanny arrives at 7:15 every morning. DH knows that his parents aren't the best house guests, but I can't tell him how much they irritate me. I can handle them in small doses, but 5 nights with them would put me over the top. The day after they fly out I have a major work project due, which they know about, and I'm worried that I'll be so stressed about that, that their presence will push me over the edge.

Suggestions??

Of course you can tell DH this. I think you need to be clear with DH that you've noticed that your ILs' schedule and your schedules don't overlap well, and given the length of the visit and the fact that you have a major work project due at the same time, that the hotel will give everyone the breathing space they need for a successful visit. If DH doesn't "get it," point out that his mom walked in on you getting dressed and that his dad got really fussy about the baby, and that, again, it would be best for everyone to have some space.

They'll get to see the baby during the day with the nanny, yes? I'd work something out with your nanny there, but I think they'll get lots of time with the baby being there a whole week.

[Anonymous]

I think it will be tough to argue that your mom is okay to stay with you, but that when she leaves, your husband's mom and dad can't? I know it's a hassle but how many days are you talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why they both have to come at the same time, especially when you get to see your mom a lot more often. Can't she come another weekend? NJ isn't far away.

I think your in laws should definitely stay in a hotel. Say that the nanny needs the family room at 7:15 when she arrives. Offer to split the costs of the hotel.

Normally, we try to avoid having them stay here at the same time, but they both want to come for Easter, which is an important holiday for all the grandparents.

You need to nip this in the bud. We started rotating holidays when we got married so that this scenario wouldn't arise. One family gets Easter and Thanksgiving, the other gets Christmas. And then we switch yearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it will be tough to argue that your mom is okay to stay with you, but that when she leaves, your husband's mom and dad can't? I know it's a hassle but how many days are you talking about?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it will be tough to argue that your mom is okay to stay with you, but that when she leaves, your husband's mom and dad can't? I know it's a hassle but how many days are you talking about?

I know, it seems like a double standard. My mom will be here 2 nights, they will be here 7 nights (and want to stay with us 5 nights)

I'm trying to be fair, and also figure out how much tongue biting I can handle.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband if the nanny quits because of his parents, he will have to find the new nanny. No way! Hotel. Or, can you put your kid in your room and give them the kid room with air mattresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell your husband if the nanny quits because of his parents, he will have to find the new nanny. No way! Hotel. Or, can you put your kid in your room and give them the kid room with air mattresses.

+1 I like that idea. Baby can be in a pack n play in your room and guests can stay on a blow up mattress in baby's room.

[Anonymous]

Here's another way to put it:

"DH, you can either tell them to stay in a hotel and come in each day at their own pace to spend some time with DS while we're at work, or spell out for them that the nanny will be here at 7:15 every morning and that they'll need to be up and dressed and ready for the day by then. And, either way, they need to be ready to respect the nanny's schedule for the day and known that they won't be able to have the TV on while she's here. Do you really think they're not going want to have a bit of space to retreat to at some point? And get up that early?"

[Anonymous]

I think the issue isn't the fact that your in laws need to stay in a hotel, but instead, why isn't your mom having to do the same? It's not very fair.

My parents are cross country and my in laws are 3 hours driving distance. My parents would absolutely be upset if they bought plane tickets to come for a week and then realized my in laws (who we see much more often) were coming too (and getting to stay in the house!). It's not fair and I think your mom should sit this holiday out. Or celebrate it the following weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the issue isn't the fact that your in laws need to stay in a hotel, but instead, why isn't your mom having to do the same? It's not very fair.

My parents are cross country and my in laws are 3 hours driving distance. My parents would absolutely be upset if they bought plane tickets to come for a week and then realized my in laws (who we see much more often) were coming too (and getting to stay in the house!). It's not fair and I think your mom should sit this holiday out. Or celebrate it the following weekend.

I agree that it doesn't seem very fair, but I don't think it's a good comparison. It's one person, versus two, and it sounds like OP's mom would be there for the weekend, when it's a little easier to have company as opposed to the workday.

Could all of the parents stay at a hotel? Could you foot half of your mom's hotel bill, OP?

[Anonymous]

Practically, I think having your mom stay & ILs not makes sense.

However, in the interests of keeping everyone (including you) happy, I think your mom should stay in a hotel as well. If you need to help pay for her hotel to make that happen, I think it would be worth it to keep the peace.