Where should the in-laws stay?

[Anonymous]

The in laws should realize there is not enough space for them to stay with you especially during work and when there is a nanny. They should be more considerate. PP here. I'm sorry OP . This is tough. I do however think you should be able to talk to your DH about it. It's a little worrisome you can't

1. Do your mom and ILs get along?
2. Do you think DH really wants them to stay there, he has a desire to host them, or just doesn't want them to feel neglected / complain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Funny but true. I am Caucasian and married to an Asian. His parents take it to a whole different level. When they went to visit the little brother and his fiancée in a tiny one bedroom one bath apartment, they stayed with them and brought the other brother. So a total of 5 people for days. I truly don't get it. I get that they are family and all but enmeshed is more like it. They have plenty of money and need to be respectful of the new family dynamic and stay elsewhere in my opinion. When they went to visit my now husband when we were dating in his town home, they stayed on the air mattress or on the floor. Seriously. It completely baffles me because my parents will only stay at Four seasons etc. want their space and amentities too. Again his parents have plenty of money, just crazy enmeshed who don't know how to let go of their babies...

Op- I think all of your inlaws need to stay in a hotel or all at your house until you establish ground rules for everyone here on out. I fully agree with you though as my mom who is very helpful will come to see us solo. It's a hard bridge to cross with a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. Good luck!

Yes, they are enmeshed - because they are family. My parents would do the very same thing if there were not enough room. And believe me, they have plenty of money. So that is not the issue.

My sister made it very clear to her then Caucasian boyfriend as to the importance of family to her and how getting married would not change that aspect. He said he was totally on board. After they got engaged, my parents went to visit them and stay with them for two weeks. He clearly did not like it. My parents did not say anything but not long after this visit, she broke off the engagement and told him the reason was the way he treated our parents. He was shocked because he did not think he had done anything wrong.

It is a difficult concept for Westerners to understand - but then Asians and some other eastern cultures are bemused and horrified by how some Westerners treat their own families.

Yes families are enmeshed to a certain extent,but when it becomes unhealthy in a relationship or uncomfortable on one side than something needs to give.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did you decide ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think the issue here is that every single aspect of it favors your mother and disadvantages DH's parents.

I imagine too that given you don't like them it will also be easy to just limit how much they come over while you are here if they stay at a hotel. You can tell them tomorrow isn't a good day, can you visit the city instead or you'll want them to go out for dinner instead of dropping over and you won't want them there for baby's bedtime or any other time that isn't convenient for you. Yet your mom will be part of everything and you'll welcome her into your home and life.

I really don't get why your mom is coming for Easter. That seems pretty rude and inconsiderate given she sees you often. To try and also be there when the in-laws fly in and then to be the one staying at the house when in far away grandparents who don't get to see the kids often are stuck at a hotel. No idea why your mom is coming.

If I flew to see family and found that that local family was staying with them and being involved in everything while I was stuck at a hotel and only involved on invitation. I would realize that I was not wanted or liked and simply wouldn't visit again. If that is what you are hoping they realize your DH really needs to be on board with you trying to push he family away and bring your mom closer. I highly doubt if the situation was reserved and your parents were flying in for a visit, you would put them in a hotel and invite your local inlaws to come and stay with you during that time.

OP here.
You're jumping to conclusions a bit here. I've never limited their access to our DS. When they fist visited after his birth and stayed at a hotel, we lent them our only car and gave them a key to our place and emphasized that they could come over as often as they liked. I never said that I didn't want them to be involved in our home or our life. In fact, it's usually me, not DH, who's constantly sending them new pictures and emails "from" DS and inviting them to skype with us during dinner and bathtime. If I didn't initiate those things, my DH wouldn't. He doesn't have a strong relationship with them. They are not warm people, and my husband would be the first to admit this.

And I don't have "parents", I just have a mom. I lost my dad two years ago. Our family is pretty religious. Easter is the most important day on the Christian calendar. I have no siblings. I don't want my mom to spend Easter by herself, and neither does my husband.

If the situation were reversed and I still had both my parents and they were flying into town, and if DH's mom lived closer and was single, I would absolutely have DH's mom stay with us and have my parents stay at a hotel. Having twice the number of adults in our apartment is hard; it's a bit easier when you're only squeezing in one extra person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The in laws should realize there is not enough space for them to stay with you especially during work and when there is a nanny. They should be more considerate. PP here. I'm sorry OP . This is tough. I do however think you should be able to talk to your DH about it. It's a little worrisome you can't

1. Do your mom and ILs get along?
2. Do you think DH really wants them to stay there, he has a desire to host them, or just doesn't want them to feel neglected / complain?

1. Yes, they do get along. They haven't spent a whole lot of time together because their visits rarely overlap, but yeah, they get along well.

2. I'm really not sure. He handles then okay in small doses and loves them and wishes they had a closer relationship, but there's quite a bit of tension between him and his father, and his parents aren't very easy people to get to know. They are into their computers and watching their tv shows and that's about it. I know DH wishes they'd get out more and do more, but whenever we try to plan outings, small family trips, etc., they always say that they'd rather stay in.

And yes, I know that I should be able to talk more openly about this with my husband, but I really, really have a hard time being critical of other people or saying anything remotely negative. . . hence why I am venting anonymously!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Asian poster here:

This is why Asian parents are in trepidation about their children marrying outside of the culture.

We would never insist on our in-laws or parents staying in a hotel. We'd just accommodate everyone because they are family. I'd certainly not use double standards when it comes to my parent staying with us as opposed to my in-laws.

Not intended to be a value judgement as much as an explanation of a glaring cultural difference. In fact, for most Asian parents if one were to tell them to stay in a hotel, they would not even come. I know that is how my parents would react.

Another Asian here and I know what you mean, but if I lived in a 750 sq ft apartment and apparently inconsiderate inlaws wanted to stay for 5 days, I'd be tempted to ask them to stay in a hotel as well. Just because some families ask or don't invite inlaws or other family members to stay with them during visits, it does not make them wrong or inconsiderate. You seem narrow minded.

OP, I feel bad for you and your nanny as well. I would hate to have 3 other family members hovering over me in a small space for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does staying in a hotel mean seeing the kid less? Just tell them to come over.

My standard for staying in my small house -
Can I dump the (now 3 year old) kid on you and go back to bed for an hour? Two when he was younger. Will you watch the kid without interrupting our extra sleep? If not (and if you're not one of our brothers) you're in a hotel.

Why do the brothers get special standards? Are they slow?

[Anonymous]

Look for an apartment to rent on VRBO for the week.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 bedroom house and we have in laws stay at a hotel, despite their wanting to be here. They are difficult guests and the visit ends up stressful and unenjoyable when they're here 24/7 for the entire visit. There simply isn't enough space in your apartment to accommodate 2 more adults for 5 days during the work week and it's unacceptable for your nanny to have to do her job with them sleeping in and watching tv in an already too cramped space. I'd argue it's also unfair to expect your nanny to care for your child with the in laws there all day while you're both at work. It's important to be able to discuss negative feelings with you husband; you need to get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

It really doesn't make sense to have them all there at the same time. Five adults and a baby in an apartment even just for the days is a lot.

If this is an extremely important holiday for your mother and you have to spend it with her, then why did you invite the in-laws to come on a weekend when you already had a houseguest? Especially when space is such a big issue for you. I don't understand that at all.

Did your in-laws invite themselves and you just pretended that weekend would work for you, even though you knew your mother was already coming to stay for the weekend and that having the inlaws would be a considerable inconvenience? And you don't want them there with the nanny so it really just doesn't make sense that they are even coming.

Can they refund their tickets and come at a better time?