How to Tell my Mom to Stop Sending my DS Money

[Anonymous]

Ridiculous OP. It is none of your business if your adult son's grandmother wants to send him money. The fact you are involving yourself makes you look like an extremely controlling, micromanaging type person who finds fault in everyone and everything.

Obviously you have big issues with your mother but it is just sad and pathetic that you are projecting these on your son and his relationship with his grandmother.

Stop trying to control other people and live your own life.

[Anonymous]

College? MYOB. It's hard for us to accept when the kids grow up, but he's an adult OP, let it go. Not your business anymore! Agree w/PP's that it would be more acceptable to interfere if your kid had a drug problem but aside from that, be the Adele Dazeem and let.it.go...

[Anonymous]

Myob they are both adults

[Anonymous]

I would just suggest he save half of it if he doesn't need the money. Especially if he's planning on moving back home after college.

[Anonymous]

When I was in college in the 80s, my aunt would occasionally send me checks for $25 -- probably about the equivalent of $100 today.

Not a lot of money, OP. One night out, really. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They're both adults. There is not much you can do.

This. It's their relationship.

I've got a college fund saved for my nephew. It never crossed my mind that my brother might have problems with me giving cash to my nephew. I know many, many grandparents who contribute to their grand kids college. The way your mom is doing it is a little unusual, but it's still really nice. You could talk to your son about saving part or all of it as a nest egg for starting a career or buying a house, though.

From a parent's point of view, depending on the circumstances, it is problematic for a teen/college student to receive cash and it can clash with a parent's objectives. My son (a college freshman) is a spendthrift despite our many discussions, explanations about budgeting, etc., and therefore our approach with him is to let him run out of the money he earned over the summers (he is very close) so that he can experience the effects. We will then expect him to do without (his basic expenses are covered), or we may consider giving him some minimal amount. If a relative came in and rescued him, it would counteract what we are trying to accomplish, i.e. let him experience the effects of overspending firsthand in a meaningful way while the stakes are still low.

Another example: I have a nephew who has a drug and alcohol problem. His parents are on it in various ways, but part of the issue is spending money (he spends it all on pot and alcohol). Therefore we give him gift cards, not cash, for birthdays, etc. (at his parents' request).

If the grandmother of OP's son must do something, she could put the money in an account for study abroad, a future major purchase, etc. But bottom-line, she should abide by the parents' wishes.

The parents are no longer the ultimate decision maker. The time to teach money skills is BEFORE your child becomes an adult and heads out on their own. If they are dependent on you and your money, then you can have a say about how it is spent and whether or not you will give more when the run out, but this is not OPs money. She doesn't get to decide how to spend it, nor can she decide whether her son will accept it.

Sometimes things do not go according to plan. None of has a time machine to try again.

If money is an issue and parents do not want their kid to have access to it, then that should be respected.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I have not read all the responses, but I see no downside to this. It's sweet. I cannot begin to understand why you won't indulge your mother on this! In fact, you sound controlling. Her money is only okay if it goes to tuition, not to spending money?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think many PPs are missing the point here. Grandma should be sensitive to the mom's wishes about giving too much money to her son. Maybe it's grandma that is being controlling here?

Why? I have to disagree. If mom is trying to dictate how Grandma and young adult son interact, she IS the controlling one. Game. Set. Match.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son and your mom are both adults. Why do you feel you need to get in the middle of it?

So long as the kid is supported, at least in part, by his parents, the kid is not an adult. sorry.

Well damn, there are 25 year olds that cannot pass that test. LOL!

You may not think that a college aged student is an adult - but the law disagress with you.

[Anonymous]

MYOB.

And tell her to contact us. We need a real grandmother.

[Anonymous]

You are lucky to have such a wonderful and generous mom. Let them enjoy their relationship. My grandparents always gave me little extras and now my parents are doing the same thing for my kids. It did not keep me from being very financially responsible. My parents keep telling me what an enormous joy it is for them to be able to share what they have with their grandkids. They say they want to see them enjoy it while they are still alive. Let it go, OP.

[Anonymous]

My grandfather sent me $100 a month while I was in college, same thing he did for any of my cousins who went to college. He died after my freshman year and I inherited his farm and his money. The farm was 35 min from school so I moved out there and used what money I needed to pay tuition. 12 years later, 90% of that money is still saved. Let your son figure out what to do with the money. If he takes a girl on a date to the movies, that's $25 before snacks. Add in dinner and were at at least $50 for one night. There's nothing wrong with him having some financial control.

[Anonymous]

Holy cow. My MIL would have to dig it out of her mattress.

[Anonymous]

One the one hand, it's sweet that he can afford to buy a girl a latte, get a haircut or buy a 12 pack once in a while. $25 a week only goes so far. Chances are good it is being spent on weed, beer, pizza or being saved for spring break or graduation.
If his grades are good then so what? If his grades are not so good, maybe Gramma can sock it away for a bring-up-your-grades post-graduation reward gift or trip.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds as if you believe if you choose the right words that will matter. Basic flaw. You should express yourself. You could say, "Mom I would prefer if you didn't send DS as much money as you do. It interferes with the lessons we hare trying to teach about budgeting. I would suggest xx would be more appropriate."

My guess is she inserts herself into a relationship with your son which seems overbearing.