Moms Who Won't Get Their Kids Dx, Won't Get Therapy

[Anonymous]

Haven't read all of OPs comments but wonder, does she have boys? I think some behaviors are just kids being kids, boys being boys, boys can be very different and more difficult than girls.... until age 15 or so

You can't know if those moms have consulted someone. Maybe they just don't choose to share their personal info with you. Perhaps because, frankly, maybe you come across as a bit judgmental?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is it possible that OP knows so many boys with all of these issues? Makes me wonder if she's looking for these "quirks", etc in each child she meets. I have met a great number of preschool-aged boys through my son, and maybe one or two kids has mild issues that the parents are concerned about so it seems strange that OP knows so many affected children and that all of the parents are in denial. I think that there is a broad range of "normal" in the preschool years and many children go through different quirks, etc that they grow out of as they mature. I don't deny that there are many children on the spectrum or with SPD that need treatment because they aren't able to function in the school setting... but I see an opposite phenomenon amongst my friends-- Everyone is so paranoid about their kids development that they are very quick to have them evaluated, only to find that everything is okay. I just can't imagine that OP isn't exaggerating the number of boys she observes who have this list of issues.

Exactly what I was thinking. I was also thinking that OP likely doesn't have boys herself (maybe just girls) so she may just not get that boys are different. I find it a little unbelievable that she knows all these parents of boys who are ignoring autistic tendencies. As a mom of 2 boys, I am VERY aware of what behaviors are considered on the spectrum and also know that my boys sometimes have off days when - yes - my 3 yo son lines up cars (normal behavior) and then gets furious when somebody moves it (normal behavior).

How much time are you really spending with these kids, OP? Unless you are their teacher and spend significant amounts of time with them, I suggest you give their parents more credit. And yourself a lot less...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am not a therapist or expert in childhood development. These are my friends, so they are not 2 min observations.

Maybe the parents are keeping family matters private and maybe they did get a dx or are getting therapy. But I said I didn't believe that was the case because I've seen a steady deterioration in these children over the years. Plus some of the mothers have stated to me they will not get therapy.

You've seen a steady deterioration over the years? How old are these pre-schoolers anyways? 4-5?

They may not be 2 minute observations but no way are you spending enough time with all these boys to make a judgment as to what is going on with them.

And here's a little hint, if one of my "friends" started talking to me about my children getting therapy, I'd rudely reply "no way" too. Mostly b/c I think it is obnoxious for a mom to go around diagnosing other children (probably at the same time comparing her own and talking about their accomplishments). I'm a little surprised they are still your friends.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'm starting to think this is a fake post.

[Anonymous]

And there are some of us out there who wonder if their kids have issues that haven't been diagnosed yet (because of age). DS' preschool suggested sensory and language-delay diagnoses but testing showed otherwise. DS is in K now and overall doing okay but it honestly won't surprise us if he turns out to have a form of dyslexia and/or ADD. Or he just may be an average kid who's not going to be an academic star but has talents in other areas.

As a parent who's been down this road, I can say that there's also a lot of over-diagnosis out there and a trend toward pathologizing normal behavior especially in boys.

A parent who's watchful/concerned but also a bit skeptical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got the feeling after talking to the county person that they didn't really think sensory disorders were "real." She asked me many questions about my parenting but seemed at a loss as to what to do for my son's tactile defensiveness. She asked if I worked and was he like that as a baby (No to both). She recommended parenting classes and sent me on my way. Nice. They are going to have to deal w/ it sooner or later since he will be in K next year. His issues haven't gone away but he has learned to deal w/ them a bit (sits on his own in groups so he won't be touched or bumped, etc).

PP I guess this is off the topic of the thread, but my son was in the same general boat as yours. His issues were real, but not significanylt impacting his life at nursery school, where he was able to hold it together OK, but it wasn't ideal. We couldn't afford the $100+ per session of therapy. What I did was just to educate myself as much as possible, and try to replicate some of the activities he'd be doing with a therapist at home. (I read out of Sync child, and out of sync child has fun for ideas.) No, not the same as having a trained therapist, BUT I just couldn't afford $1,000 for 10 sessions with a therapist. What we did seemed to help plenty. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Perhaps this is a fake post. I have the opposite view of the OP, as many times I feel like my kids are the only ones who are not in some sort of therapy. I've been shocked at the number of kids we've had over for playdates whose moms tell me that they are in OT or other therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think nowadays there is a rush to diagnose everything, label everything, medicate everything. It's good that we are more attentive to addressing kids needs nowadays, but kids will still be kids - weird, obnoxious, strange, bizarre, sometimes seeming antisocial.... it's all part of learning, becoming civilized and learning to be appropriate. Also it is harder for boys I think because many of their natural behaviors are being discouraged nowadays - don't be loud, don't be rambunctious, no hitting, no pretend guns, etc. etc.....

I don't think this was a fake post but I do think the OP's thinking is not quite right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what drug company do you work for?

Oh my gosh...you posters are HILARIOUS. I love it -- are other city boards this obnoxious? I think this is just fascinating. But yes, I agree OP is CLEARLY a therapist looking for some new clients I think. They lingo just rolls off her tongue.

I know isn't it sad...I am a SAHM. I have no job. I never worked with children. And for that matter, my husband and none of my relatives that live locally work with special needs kids or kids with issues. And nobody that I know works for a pharmaceutical or pharm sales company. Geez, is it so unusual for a city mom to actually be concerned and comment about special needs kids or kids with issues?

No, it's that what you described sounds totally normal for preschool boys. So if you had your way, that would be a lot of boys on medication or in therapy for no reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At certain ages, these are not abnormal behaviors. Toddlers and preschoolers have very little control over their worlds and sometimes when things go wrong, they lose it just like adults. My son loves to line up his cars to go on parade, etc. He isn't autistic. Preschool boys esp are still very driven by impulses. It takes yrs for them to learn to curb their natural tendencies so if you think boys who hit or push other kids are autistic or have sensory issues, well most preschool boys fit the bill then. Licking chairs and doorknobs does sound abnormal for children over the age of 3 or so. Some kids do have issues that go beyond normal preschool aged behaviors but if you think the behaviors you mentioned are due to autism, bipolar disorder or sensory processing disorder, you might as well diagnose the majority of preschool aged boys.

Yup, Of all the things I mentioned physically aggressive behavior is the one thing that may be a behavioral problem and not always explained by a neurological issue. Boys who are occasionally aggressive may do it because it's just a behavioral problem and there may be nothing wrong with them neurologically (not trying to say that it's okay of them to be physically aggressive). BUT - boys who are aggressive regularly without any provocation are not just having behavioral problems, I think there's something more going on with them neurologically. And boys who retaliate with much greater force and violence and rage than was warranted should, I think, be checked having some neurological issues.

What do others think - that the vast majority of preschool aged boys are generally physically aggressive and line up toys?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

OP - It's hard for me to believe that this is a real post. But on the assumption that it might be, I'll ask: did you ever stop to wonder that you may not know as much as you think you do? You volunteer that you're a SAHM, with no prior experience working with children, no exposure or expertise whatsoever in special needs issues... and yet you are convinced your "diagnoses" of your friends' children is correct and that you have divined serious problems that somehow their parents and pediatricians and teachers have not? All I can say is wow. Must be interesting to live in your world.

Caveat - apologies for continuing the thread if this is just the efforts of a troll to work up a frenzy on this site....

[Anonymous]

I tried reading this entire thread but it's impossible.

The behavior of the parents shows exactly what OP wants to state: PARENTS IN DENIAL!

She never said that lining up cars makes one autistic but you should watch for such behavior. It can mean a way more than just a "neat" kid.

It can mean the child is OCD, autistic, deaf, gifted...

Our obligation as parents is to watch for the signs and symptoms and ASK FOR HELP!
Ignoring the behavior, signal or symptom won't make the disease go away!

I'm a teacher for special needs and a very clear example of this is in my classroom every single day.
The boy is deaf, autistic and OCD and the mother just treats his deafness.
She denies the fact that he's autistic and OCD completely.
She states that the fact that he (5yo) fold the laundry perfectly, organizes it by person (mom, dad and his) and puts it away in the closet separated by color is a sign that he's somewhat gifted and she does not accept any kind of advice when we try to talk to her about his obsessive behavior.

Parents, our job is not just love our kids, feed them and play with them. our job is to watch for their needs and CARE for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried reading this entire thread but it's impossible.

The behavior of the parents shows exactly what OP wants to state: PARENTS IN DENIAL!

She never said that lining up cars makes one autistic but you should watch for such behavior. It can mean a way more than just a "neat" kid.

It can mean the child is OCD, autistic, deaf, gifted...

Our obligation as parents is to watch for the signs and symptoms and ASK FOR HELP!
Ignoring the behavior, signal or symptom won't make the disease go away!

I'm a teacher for special needs and a very clear example of this is in my classroom every single day.
The boy is deaf, autistic and OCD and the mother just treats his deafness.
She denies the fact that he's autistic and OCD completely.
She states that the fact that he (5yo) fold the laundry perfectly, organizes it by person (mom, dad and his) and puts it away in the closet separated by color is a sign that he's somewhat gifted and she does not accept any kind of advice when we try to talk to her about his obsessive behavior.

Parents, our job is not just love our kids, feed them and play with them. our job is to watch for their needs and CARE for them.

Yeah, this kid really needs therapy so he can stop being neat and helpful and start being a more normal slob like everyone else.

[Anonymous]

I think the vast majority of parents would recognize the difference between a 5 yr old obsessively folding laundry (the fact that he wants to do laundry is a bit suspect and other boys lining up cars and jumping on each other. If you just let preschool boys do whatever came naturally to them (and didn't intervene all the time), you are going to see a lot of hitting, pushing, wrestling. What we terms these days as aggression. I think most parents are able to distinguish between "boyish" behaviors and real issues.

[Anonymous]

God help me if one of my "friends" is the OP, because some of the issues she describes certainly COULD be my child. Thankfully, I don't think any of MY friends would be quite so judgmental.

My son has exhibited a broad range of behavior -- some quirky, some concerning. Yes he lines up his cars. (not just sometimes -- he is rather compulsive about it). Yes, he freaks out when he's tired and you bump his cars. When he's well rested he may have a better reaction. He doesn't like scratchy tags, he screams if the water is too warm or cold. He "hides" on my lap when he is overstimulated. I could go on... and on. At various times in his life, I've wondered if he's autistic, OCD, depressed, sensory integration issues, sensory processing issues, or "highly sensitive".

No. I have not gotten him "diagnosed", and I don't intend to anytime soon. Here are some of the MANY MANY reasons why:

1) My personal opinion is that the medical profession is overdiagnosing a LOT of things. (There is actually a fair amount written on this with regard to ADHD, for example). That doesn't take anything away from conditions that are being diagnosed more frequently probably for good cause (e.g., autism) -- but it does contribute to my general concerns about getting him diagnosed.
2) If there were a magic test they could do, that was 99% flawless, that would tell me EXACTLY what, if any problems my son has, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If for no other reason than just to know what the heck I'm dealing with. Sadly, there isn't a magic test. Almost all of the disorders listed by the OP share characteristics with perfectly normal toddler behavior. There is a lot of intuition involved. If I knew (and had access to) the premier doctor in the country, I might consider going to him or her. But my sense is there are a lot of doctors out there who graduated at the bottom half of their med school classes (same thing for Occ. Therapists, etc.) who are diagnosing things they really don't know that much about.
3) Despite the OPs barbs, I have no qualms whatsoever about finding out what, if any, extra challenges my child faces. I am not in denial. I do have some worries about someone labeling him with a "condition" (not because it bothers me in the least) but because he's smart and I don't want him to think there is anything wrong with him.
4) Despite my concerns, he is able to function pretty normally. Does he have more peculiarities and more meltdowns than the "average" 4 year old boy? Maybe. He also exhibits REMARKABLE self-control in many instances. If he were really struggling, I'd feel differently. But he is a pretty happy kid.
5) I listen to the preschool teachers I think are worth listening to. His current one I respect immensely, and although she has had a discussion with me about whether he's ready for Kindergarten next year, she has not suggested that she thinks he has any particular disorder. If she did, I'd listen.
6) I have been reading/educating myself on a number of these things, and my sister works with autistic kids. I don't feel like I'm in the middle of the ocean with no resources. While some may think its unwise for me to be self-diagnosing my child -- well... I disagree, at least for now. I know him better than anyone. I know him better than any doctor who will spend 30 minutes with him and then give me a prescription for ritalin or some other medication. For now, I'm content that my child has some sensory issues. We're working on them (me, my books, my husband, and my family), and he seems to be doing OK. If that stops happening, I'd take him for a more professional opinion. Are there parents out there who take a look at my child freaking out (for the 4th day in a row) because his coat is touching his chin, and wonder why I'm not putting him in therapy? Perhaps. But then again I frequently look at other people's "normal" 4 year olds and wonder why they let them play with toy guns, or why they don't tell Bobby not to kick over Mark's block tower after he's done it 6 times. {For the record, I'm not casting aspersions on either type of kid, because mine has certainly kicked over a few block towers in his lifetime}. My point is only that parents judge other parents for a lot of things. And if some Mom wants to think I'm nuts for not taking my child to therapy (as I'm sure the OP would be), I can live with that. I might think she should be medicated herself for her anxiety issues.


So there. You can say I'm in denial. You can say I'm experimenting with my non-existent medical degree at the expense of my child. Bring it on. In my opinion, I'm doing what a responsible mother does: (1) paying attention with an open mind; (2) researching; (3) making the best decision you can based on what you have; and (4) leaving open the possibility that things will change, and you'll need to take a different route.