When younger sister visits, she never lifts a finger. Is this common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

It's not the age of the sibling, it's the expectations set by the family. My brother is the eldest and in our Chinese-American household, he was raised that as the "number one son" he would be spoiled and pampered. Despite the fact that he runs his own household (he's divorced and they share the kids 50-50, so he takes care of himself, his house and his two kids when they are with him), as soon as one of the rest of the family is around, he becomes the pampered son that is taken care of.

I have been a guest at a number of friends houses and sometimes you have to know the individuals. I have been to friends' homes who welcome the help around the house and ask for it. I have been at other friends houses who would like you to help, but would never dream of asking for help or like you, want the guests to know that they should offer to help or just pitch in. And I have been guests of friends who are mortified that their guests have to help out, and that it shows they aren't a good host. The problem, is that there is no way to know which way they think without knowing them. Frankly, I do offer and take people at their word if they say the don't need help (I don't comprehend the silly style that you politely decline the help, but then feel aggravated that they didn't know you really wanted help and hold it against you). However, having been rebuffed rather strongly by some hosts who are embarrassed that their guests would think that they can't handle or aren't doing a good enough job hosting that they need help, I sometimes will not offer, but will gladly offer assistance when asked. So stop being so high maintenance and just mention to your sister that you would like her to help out with the daily chores while she visits. If she doesn't know what needs to be done, then give her a list of daily tasks that need to be done and welcome her to help with any of the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not reasonable for her to expect to be waited on. It's not reasonable for you to expect that she would be lightening your load while she's there. Guests do not lighten the load. They add to it.

This -- what exactly do you expect her to do besides clean up after herself????

[Anonymous]

What the heck is your husband doing -- with all this work you are complaining about -- cooking, cleaning, putting kids to bed, where is DH in all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the heck is your husband doing -- with all this work you are complaining about -- cooking, cleaning, putting kids to bed, where is DH in all of this?

He's at work. Read the post.

[Anonymous]

I am one who does NOT want guests "helping" in the house. Thank you, but it's not a help to me if you put the dishes back in the wrong place, don't shake out the placemats after a meal and put them back into the drawer with crumbs all over them, leave splashes of water all over the counters, the floor, and around the sink, and more. I just want you to SIT DOWN and be a guest and stop trying to intrude upon my routine.

Soooo, when I go to other people's houses, I am assuming that I, too, will be messing up THEIR routine if I jump in and help. So I will offer, but no, I am not one to (as one PP said) "make myself at home" and assume that, say, I can just walk over and open the fridge and get myself a drink. . .or start searching amongst the cabinets for a plate. . .or serve my child whatever she wants, whenever she wants. No, we are guest in that person's home, so I am deferential and don't do anything that I wouldn't want done in my home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that you want her to be more empathetic and just realize that she should be pitching in, but...she doesn't. There is no magic answer to make her realize this without you having to say anything. If you want the situation to change, you have to ask her to pitch in. "I'm going to start on these pans - can you bring in the dishes?" "Thanks - here's the sponge. Can you wipe down the table?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What the heck is your husband doing -- with all this work you are complaining about -- cooking, cleaning, putting kids to bed, where is DH in all of this?

He's at work. Read the post.

So? My husband works and he still:

- does laundry
- cooks meals
- cleans dishes
and when we have guests...sometimes he even orders take out...WOW!

[Anonymous]

Some people are just dense. You need to be specific about what you want her to do to be helpful and stop expecting her to read your mind.

My brother and I grew up in the same household, same rules, same manners. We’re only a year apart. I help out – he and his wife didn’t used to help out. This caused no end of turmoil with my mom who took your approach – expected them to be mind readers. But they just are a bit dense – they totally wouldn’t see what needs to be done and how to be helpful. Helpful people think it’s obvious – but it’s not obvious to some people. After one of the classic family blow-ups, I had a come to Jesus talk with him. Now he gets it – and they help out. I told him specific tasks to do and now him and the wife get it. They help, they’re proactive, and everyone is happier. You need to train her and stop stewing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just dense. You need to be specific about what you want her to do to be helpful and stop expecting her to read your mind.

My brother and I grew up in the same household, same rules, same manners. We’re only a year apart. I help out – he and his wife didn’t used to help out. This caused no end of turmoil with my mom who took your approach – expected them to be mind readers. But they just are a bit dense – they totally wouldn’t see what needs to be done and how to be helpful. Helpful people think it’s obvious – but it’s not obvious to some people. After one of the classic family blow-ups, I had a come to Jesus talk with him. Now he gets it – and they help out. I told him specific tasks to do and now him and the wife get it. They help, they’re proactive, and everyone is happier. You need to train her and stop stewing.

And I'll add my brother and SIL not rude or selfish. They're just clueless and need people to be direct with them. When you ask them to help - they do it without complaint. They, too, wouldn't realize that your comment about going outside to shovel is really an unstated request for help.

[Anonymous]

In general unless it is a guest who is there on a frequent basis, I don't think you should see the role of guests as that they will lighten your load. I don't expect guests to do work as the maids while they are there, and to make my life easier

Most people do naturally just help out or at least offer to help out. Although I have one family member whose home I visit and I never help when there. She is very controlling and particular and no matter what you do it is wrong. She gets very passive aggressive about it too so I have learned in the end it is better for her to just think of me as lazy and unhelpful then to end up on the receiving end of her criticism.

[Anonymous]

I think a single, 20 something year old, sibling won't realize how much of a hassle it is to have one more person to clean up after.

When visiting my older sibling, I always liked to cook dinner for a night or two and do a load of laundry as a surprise, but overall, I probably was also somewhat of a burden without realizing it - I don't think I washed all of my own dishes, and didn't keep my things confined to my suitcase. Those are things that I now realized would have been nice of me to do, but just didn't occur to me.

[Anonymous]

I am in my mid forties and have siblings who are 16 to 22 years younger than I am. The relationship is not quite that of siblings, more like a beloved aunt/niece/nephew.

I think that an adult-child dynamic exists in these relationships and the younger siblings expect me to act like their mom in some circumstances, and indeed I have often done so. I used to basically nanny them when I was young.

I think if your sister came for three days one a year, it would be one thing. If she is staying for longer than that and multiple times a year, you need to make your expectations clear. Also, who is doing the inviting - is she asking to come see you or are you asking her to come visit? If she is initiating the visits, say, "I'd love that. I do need to ask if you can help me out while you are here. Here are the things I would need you to do.". Then tell her.

On the one hand, she's not a mind reader. On the other, this may be an opportunity for you to help teach her about being a good guest.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't know any better. Plus she's a lot younger than you are and considers you the "adult" in the relationship even though she is 30. Tell her what you expect from her. "Can you take care of the kitchen? I'm beat."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't know any better. Plus she's a lot younger than you are and considers you the "adult" in the relationship even though she is 30. Tell her what you expect from her. "Can you take care of the kitchen? I'm beat."

Sorry, I posted before I read the post directly above. I agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when you ask her to help, what does she say?

+1

Does she know you'd like help?

Have you tried, "While I'm putting DC to bed, would you mind loading the dishwasher? I'd really appreciate it!"