When younger sister visits, she never lifts a finger. Is this common?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

Her Sister should not treat her mother this way either. I mean, really? I expect more from my five year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

If that's the case, OP should educate her sister, it will benefit her in the long run.
"Sis, when you're a guest in someone's home, you should always offer to help - they may not take you up on it, but you should always offer.
If someone cooks you a meal, you should help clear the table and clean up. That's just common courtesy".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

If that's the case, OP should educate her sister, it will benefit her in the long run.
"Sis, when you're a guest in someone's home, you should always offer to help - they may not take you up on it, but you should always offer.
If someone cooks you a meal, you should help clear the table and clean up. That's just common courtesy".

PP again...but I like PP's suggestion better...just give her dish towel and ask her to dry, etc...she may be less defensive if you just ask for the help you need. The reason I thought you might need to give her a little talking to is her cluelessness is so extreme - how could it not occur to her to at least clear the table while you were upstairs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I am the youngest by 12 years n can see how she thinks a bit maybe-she sees you as more of a mother than a sister. Plus -she's single n no kids- still sees herself as a kid-at that age still pretty self absorbed. Call attention to it "Hey could you help me out a bit?"

That was my thought too - doesn't make it right, of course. Plenty of people need things spelled out - "hey sis, while I put the kids to bed, it would be great if you could take care of the dishes and wipe down the kitchen. Then we can have a glass of wine and chat."

[Anonymous]

OP, when you ask her to help, what does she say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a half-sister who is 15 years younger than me (I'm in my mid-40s). She is single. Whenever she visits, she rarely lifts a finger to help out around the house. I'm wondering if this is common: do people with single younger siblings wind up just doing all the cooking/clean up/etc.? I have a husband who works ridiculously long hours, so I'm already pulling most of the load around the house, and we have a preschooler, so that makes two people I wind up looking after. When my sister visits, it would be nice to get a bit of a helping hand, but instead I just get a third person to clean up after and cook for. It upsets me because I can't understand why it doesn't occur to her to help out a bit. Just by way of an example, today I cleaned up the kitchen three times, cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner, made coffee and tea, set the table, cleared the table, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, cleared up multiple projects of DC's (thanks to the snow day), did laundry, and some other routine things. I went upstairs to put DC to bed after dinner (DH was out) and when I came down half an hour later, she was parked in a chair sipping wine and working her phone while the dirty dinner dishes were still on the table and the kitchen was a mess from when I made dinner. I just don't get this because when I was her age, when I visited family or anyone else I was interested in lending a hand and helping out, not just parking on my butt and letting other people do all the work. In her shoes, how does she not think of at least clearing the dinner table and bringing stuff into the kitchen and putting it on the counter? FWIW, she is not somebody with a full-time job and therefore needs to be in "vacation mode" when she visits. I know people will say that I should just ask her for help or assign her duties, but the problem is that it upsets me that she doesn't have the empathy towards me to think of helping me out without me having to assign her tasks. She knows the dinner plates are dirty. She knows I spent 40 minutes cooking dinner. She knows the table has to be cleared and the kitchen cleaned up. Why can't it occur to her to want to help me out? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

You want her to read your mind and know what you want. Like it or not, you're going to have to vocalize what you need. And stop looking at her like she's a non-empathetic monster. I see your husband doesn't help you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a half-sister who is 15 years younger than me (I'm in my mid-40s). She is single. Whenever she visits, she rarely lifts a finger to help out around the house. I'm wondering if this is common: do people with single younger siblings wind up just doing all the cooking/clean up/etc.? I have a husband who works ridiculously long hours, so I'm already pulling most of the load around the house, and we have a preschooler, so that makes two people I wind up looking after. When my sister visits, it would be nice to get a bit of a helping hand, but instead I just get a third person to clean up after and cook for. It upsets me because I can't understand why it doesn't occur to her to help out a bit. Just by way of an example, today I cleaned up the kitchen three times, cooked breakfast, lunch, dinner, made coffee and tea, set the table, cleared the table, loaded/unloaded the dishwasher, cleared up multiple projects of DC's (thanks to the snow day), did laundry, and some other routine things. I went upstairs to put DC to bed after dinner (DH was out) and when I came down half an hour later, she was parked in a chair sipping wine and working her phone while the dirty dinner dishes were still on the table and the kitchen was a mess from when I made dinner. I just don't get this because when I was her age, when I visited family or anyone else I was interested in lending a hand and helping out, not just parking on my butt and letting other people do all the work. In her shoes, how does she not think of at least clearing the dinner table and bringing stuff into the kitchen and putting it on the counter? FWIW, she is not somebody with a full-time job and therefore needs to be in "vacation mode" when she visits. I know people will say that I should just ask her for help or assign her duties, but the problem is that it upsets me that she doesn't have the empathy towards me to think of helping me out without me having to assign her tasks. She knows the dinner plates are dirty. She knows I spent 40 minutes cooking dinner. She knows the table has to be cleared and the kitchen cleaned up. Why can't it occur to her to want to help me out? Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

Since you don't want to do anything logical or proactive, continue to suffer in silence. And while you are at it, make some passive aggressive remarks.

[Anonymous]

Both my younger sisters (I am the oldest) are pretty hands-on. They'll just jump right in and do the dishes, or help chop, package up leftovers.

Younger brother and SIL are the opposite. They're both the types to just plant themselves on the sofa with their phone/ipad, and not jump in, and not ask if there's something they can help with. I don't really understand that. Maybe it's an ask vs guess culture thing, but it's a little odd for informal family get togethers.

[Anonymous]

I have a sister who is 13 years younger than me. I had similar experiences when she came to visit. It annoyed me and it was bad for our relationship. I just don't have her stay with me anymore and we get along fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I have four kids, I teach them part of "make yourself at home" is to act like a part of the family. When my youngest goes to visit my oldest (6 yr old to 22 yr old) she absolutely knows she is to clean up after herself, and help out in general as needed as part of a thank you for allowing her to be a guest.

This. Start being direct. "I need you to set the table." Or clean up after while you do kid stuff.. or whatever.

In my world guests help somewhat. Family helps, they don't sit there expecting to be waited on.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think if it bothers you, you need to speak up and ask her to help you. Personally, I would never expect my younger sister to help, and she is only 2 years younger than me. I would never expect or want any help from anyone staying with me. If I needed a night off from cooking or cleaning, I would order in, go out to eat, or get something simple to cook and clean up from the grocery store.
It is not easy to stay at someone else's house, you never feel completely comfortable like you do at your own home, and it is the host's job to make the stay pleasant. Do you expect her to come and make YOUR life easier? She is a guest, not a mother's helper.

[Anonymous]

That's insane. Granted, my sister and I both have kids, so when we visit each other there's a lot of helping going on, but I make it a point to make at least one entire meal when I visit her, and I will just plunge in and empty the dishwasher, apologizing in advance if something is in the wrong place, and always help with dinner dishes. I'll even start folding laundry if I see it sitting there. It would never occur to me to be waited on by my sister. The way I see it, the quicker we get through all of that chore crap, the longer we can both sit down with a glass of wine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think if it bothers you, you need to speak up and ask her to help you. Personally, I would never expect my younger sister to help, and she is only 2 years younger than me. I would never expect or want any help from anyone staying with me. If I needed a night off from cooking or cleaning, I would order in, go out to eat, or get something simple to cook and clean up from the grocery store.
It is not easy to stay at someone else's house, you never feel completely comfortable like you do at your own home, and it is the host's job to make the stay pleasant. Do you expect her to come and make YOUR life easier? She is a guest, not a mother's helper.

But to sit there on her phone when table hasn't even been cleared, after sister cooked her a meal?
That's just poor manners. And it will reflect poorly on her as she moves forward in her life, with friends, family, partners, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should know to lend a hand, yes. But since she doesn't - and you are close family - here is your chance to teach her. Just simply say, "Hey Sissy, give me a hand getting dinner out" or call from the kitchen "Can you please bring those glasses in to get washed" and when she gets in, toss a dishcloth and say "I'll wash, you dry and I'll tell you where they go." And then thank her for helping "Thanks a bunch. That went much faster with 2 sets of hands." Be specific with requests "Do me a favor and toss your towels in the washer please?"

It's not worth stewing over her behavior because it sounds like she's just clueless. Clue her in nicely and you'll get more cooperation.

This.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think if it bothers you, you need to speak up and ask her to help you. Personally, I would never expect my younger sister to help, and she is only 2 years younger than me. I would never expect or want any help from anyone staying with me. If I needed a night off from cooking or cleaning, I would order in, go out to eat, or get something simple to cook and clean up from the grocery store.
It is not easy to stay at someone else's house, you never feel completely comfortable like you do at your own home, and it is the host's job to make the stay pleasant. Do you expect her to come and make YOUR life easier? She is a guest, not a mother's helper.

But to sit there on her phone when table hasn't even been cleared, after sister cooked her a meal?
That's just poor manners. And it will reflect poorly on her as she moves forward in her life, with friends, family, partners, etc.

This.

I mean, at the very least, you bring your dirty plate into the kitchen and throw your used napkin away. I can't imagine just removing myself from the table and leaving my mess behind. Like that nice glass of wine the sister is drinking...should she just leave the empty glass in the living room for her sister to then have to clean up behind her later??

My ILs were very much like this when they first started visiting us. When we had a kid several years later and they still expected me to be cooking and cleaning and entertaining them when I had a 4 week old attached to my boob, it finally spurred my H to tell them that we are not maids for them and leaving glasses and plates strewn all over our house or demanding I cook lunch for them is unacceptable.