Does your spouse opt out of parenting responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You said you gave him the less complicated appointment, but that sounds pretty complicated to me.

yeah, if the simpler appt is the one where your kid is seeing at least one specialist and changes meds often, you need some way to keep records about their medical situation that isn't your own memory. Like a log book or something.

I actively parent our two kids and between all the logistics it's hard for me to keep details straight. If anything is that important we send a text message or email with the details so the other parent can call it up. For example, if the kids have run out of a shampoo and I want DH to get another while he is at the store, I take a picture and text/email it to him. I've done that for myself when I wanted to remember to mention a prescription cor myself. We almost always have our phones. It's easy to forget to bring an empty bottle of something when you are rushing out to be on time somewhere.

So anyway, I get the general annoyance of doing everything and the one time you don't you end up having to follow-up because it wasn't done right so to speak but if the doctor didnt read the file and you didn't send DH a text/email with what he needed to mention, I don't it is fair to pin this on him. That will make him less inclined to want to step up more. The issue of him opting out shouldn't be linked to this doctor visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

You sound like his mother. Is he attractive to you?

If I had to baby my DH like that, I would not be in the least bit sexually attracted in that kind if dynamic.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

This makes you sound like you have a fourth child. You should not be not DH's coach. That being said, I totally resonate with you about the details. DH does not care enough to get the details down. He assumes (rightly) that I will take care of them.

I guess the difference between us is that I know the reason my DH doesn't get the details down is not because he doesn't care. He does care and shows me and the kids that he does in 1,001 ways. His ability to remember, to notice what I notice and then consolidate and present the information to the developmental pediatrician/therapist/whoever is not a litmus test for his love or his ability to parent. And, I know he's not the only parent who is challenged by this. Knowing that he's not good at this, why would I not make a list? What does that get me or him? Nothing. Making a list is not hard at all. I suppose I could dictate the information/questions to him but what added value is that?

A PP said I sounded like his mother. How's that? Is there nothing your spouse does for you because he's better at it than you? I can tell you that my DH does a good number of things better than me and always will - he'll always be able to grill food better than me. He's a genius at small engine repair, he networked/cabled our whole house and we can access our home computers remotely, he set up a Minecraft server so our kids and their friends can play. He's an amazing Boy Scout leader. But, he can't do as well as I can regarding our kids' disabilities. Big deal. I'm happy to take the lead on it because that's a small weakness in the overall package he brings to the relationship. It might be a deal breaker for you but it's not for me. Oh, I'm also happy to 'coach' him when he needs it. We can all use coaches in our life and he returns the favor for me. It's how I learned to use power tools and have confidence to tackle some home improvement projects of my own. I'm not as good as he is but he's always happy to coach and support me.

Are you usually this long winded when you are bossing your husband around like a little boy?

[Anonymous]

Are you usually this long winded when you are bossing your husband around like a little boy?

Usually when someone resorts to insults, she has no logical basis for her position/argument. I'm sorry this is the best response you could come up with. You added nothing to the discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound stressed and are freaking out over a mistake. Let your spouse work with the doctor to fix it. When you are less pissed, come up with a plan on how he would go through life without you.

Good advice. If you cannot both know all the details of each kid issue, then you should each take responsibility for certain tasks. Talk to DH about what he can take off your plate if you have too much. Maybe he can take over all doctor stuff, keep a folder for each kid, handle those appointments, etc. Or you keep dealing with all the health/doctor stuff and DH take over some other thing (meal planning? car repair and maintenence? whatever.) Then you can each opt out of some stuff and everything will still get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

This makes you sound like you have a fourth child. You should not be not DH's coach. That being said, I totally resonate with you about the details. DH does not care enough to get the details down. He assumes (rightly) that I will take care of them.

I guess the difference between us is that I know the reason my DH doesn't get the details down is not because he doesn't care. He does care and shows me and the kids that he does in 1,001 ways. His ability to remember, to notice what I notice and then consolidate and present the information to the developmental pediatrician/therapist/whoever is not a litmus test for his love or his ability to parent. And, I know he's not the only parent who is challenged by this. Knowing that he's not good at this, why would I not make a list? What does that get me or him? Nothing. Making a list is not hard at all. I suppose I could dictate the information/questions to him but what added value is that?

A PP said I sounded like his mother. How's that? Is there nothing your spouse does for you because he's better at it than you? I can tell you that my DH does a good number of things better than me and always will - he'll always be able to grill food better than me. He's a genius at small engine repair, he networked/cabled our whole house and we can access our home computers remotely, he set up a Minecraft server so our kids and their friends can play. He's an amazing Boy Scout leader. But, he can't do as well as I can regarding our kids' disabilities. Big deal. I'm happy to take the lead on it because that's a small weakness in the overall package he brings to the relationship. It might be a deal breaker for you but it's not for me. Oh, I'm also happy to 'coach' him when he needs it. We can all use coaches in our life and he returns the favor for me. It's how I learned to use power tools and have confidence to tackle some home improvement projects of my own. I'm not as good as he is but he's always happy to coach and support me.

Sorry, PP, he still sounds like a kid (one who is good at setting up video games), albeit big enough to use power tools. The other thing that you seem to be willing to ignore (and, hey, you seem happier for it) is that the tasks you do for your kids are not optional (unlike, say, setting up the Minecraft server) and happen at regular and frequent intervals. Home improvement projects can wait (generally speaking), can be outsourced, and are not as important as getting your kid the right meds and seeing the doctor. Also, have you ever questioned why your husband is observant enough to fix small engines, but not observant enough to notice what kind of help your kid needs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you usually this long winded when you are bossing your husband around like a little boy?

Usually when someone resorts to insults, she has no logical basis for her position/argument. I'm sorry this is the best response you could come up with. You added nothing to the discussion.

naw, her response was just exhausting and I did not want to bring on another soliloquy.

I just wonder if she is one of those wives who harp on and on and on.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, PP, he still sounds like a kid (one who is good at setting up video games), albeit big enough to use power tools. The other thing that you seem to be willing to ignore (and, hey, you seem happier for it) is that the tasks you do for your kids are not optional (unlike, say, setting up the Minecraft server) and happen at regular and frequent intervals. Home improvement projects can wait (generally speaking), can be outsourced, and are not as important as getting your kid the right meds and seeing the doctor. Also, have you ever questioned why your husband is observant enough to fix small engines, but not observant enough to notice what kind of help your kid needs?

List maker here. I didn't say my DH didn't do things for the kids or doesn't notice what kind of help they need. He does. It's only if I'm not able to make an appointment with one of the specialists that I make him a list - and if I weren't around, I have no doubt he'd do okay. Not as good as me, but okay. He participates in their PT/OT/ST therapy sessions, he does the therapy with them at home. He administers medication in the morning after I leave for work and before the kids go to school. He makes breakfast every morning, makes sure one of them toilets (it's an issue) and gets them to school - all by himself. I could insist he remember all the details when he goes to the specialist but then I'd probably get the same outcome as OP did. Talk about being childish - knowing your DH isn't as good as you at something, having him do it anyway and then getting pissed when he doesn't do as well as you.

I get that it's a make or break thing for you and others. As I said before, the package he brings is more than enough to accept what I see as a small weakness. And, his home improvement skills are critical to our financial stability. Having SN kids isn't cheap and we are always prioritizing our outlays. We not only save a lot of money because he's able to fix things, our quality of life is much better and we're able to have things we otherwise couldn't afford. He's also rigged adapted play/therapy equipment for the kids. Most of the progress they've made is because we're able to work so much at home with them using what he's installed/built for them. I'm happy to keep writing those lists.

This is my last post. I'm not looking to convince anyone my DH is 'worthy'. I was just hoping to show you a different way of looking at things so that you have less frustration and more understanding. Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

I actually think Listmaker's arrangement sounds great - it is a good thing to have a spouse who isn't resistant to help or advice. My ex was incapable of even acknowledging that he has weaknesses or that I could do some things better. This created problems on top of problems - he was incredibly resistant to discussing or following through on anything.