Does your spouse opt out of parenting responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

I don't even understand how one can "opt out of parenting responsibilities". That is, unless the other parents allows it.

Hell no.

[Anonymous]

If there is anything unpleasant to be done men will find a way to get out of it. True in Jane Austen's day. True today. That is why so many women drop out of work force. Men think it is a pita to do "daddy day care" when it is just being a dad. His afternoon outing alone is Sat at golf course hers is to get to grocery shop.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how this is "opting out" of parenting. Opting out is when someone spends all his/her time at the office to avoid coming home before the kids are in bed, or because he still wants to party like he's single. Or someone who spends all weekend doing solo stuff instead of helping out with the kids and doing family activities.

You need to look at this as a "learning opportunity" - you should have communicated better the need to bring with the medicine and raise it with the MD, and your DH should have called you while at the appointment to ask about meds if he wasn't sure.

Why are you following up with the MD? That sends the message that you don't think your DH is capable. I would have asked him to make the call and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

I don't see this as opting out at all. In pretty much every family I know that has kids with medical problems, one parent is more knowledgeable and is the 'leader' on things. Rarely do both parents go to every appointment or both parents give every medication together.

This is one of those things I wouldn't get worked up about. I would have DH call back to get more info - why are you stepping in here now. Let him finish this and see it through.

I also know lots of moms who have had to follow up later after doc appointments because something wasn't clear or they needed to ask another question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of an Everybody Loves Raymond episode where Ray took the wrong twin to the doctor's office. I think what you explained is normal. I don't expect my husband to know all the ins and outs of our kids.

I completely disagree. Why wouldn't the other parent, who is as responsible for our children as I am, legally and morally, know all the ins and outs of our kids? Don't be sexist. I make 55% of the household income, am as educated as my DH. Why would he get to opt out of anything kid related?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd really like to hear your husband's side of the story. I know too many moms who take complete control over their children's lives and then get mad at their husbands when they don't know about things. But the reality is, the wives made them that way.

Funny, I am the mom and this could have happened to me. I am terrible at remembering drug names and dosages, and DH is usually the one who can recall what the medication was and how often to give it. In fact, he's usually the one who remembers to do it and administers it. If I was the one who took the kid to the doc and didn't know, I would just text DH and ask him to tell me. No big deal.

Now...if this is a symptom of a larger gripe/imbalance, that's another thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd really like to hear your husband's side of the story. I know too many moms who take complete control over their children's lives and then get mad at their husbands when they don't know about things. But the reality is, the wives made them that way.

No one can "make you" any way. Ignorance is a choice.

When you are a parent, you do not "opt in." You *ARE* "in" the moment your child is born. So opting out is a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no opting out when you're a parent.

My God you women on here marry and produce with some of the sorriest males I have ever heard of in my life.

Not all of us! I read these posts in complete disbelief in what women will settle for.

I could fall over dead today and my DH could fully function as a capable and competent parent without me.

I do work full time and could never do it without my partner. The kicker is my DH LIKES to be dad and do the things that go along with it. My daughter has a rare genetic disorder and when she was getting a DX, he was at every single appointment with me. We both became experts in her condition.

[Anonymous]

My husband still doesn't know what medicine to give my kid with asthma. He sucks at those details. But he'd be able to function if I were gone.

[Anonymous]

I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

This makes you sound like you have a fourth child. You should not be not DH's coach. That being said, I totally resonate with you about the details. DH does not care enough to get the details down. He assumes (rightly) that I will take care of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

You sound like his mother. Is he attractive to you?

If I had to baby my DH like that, I would not be in the least bit sexually attracted in that kind if dynamic.

[Anonymous]

I am the "grow the f up" PP. I have never brow beaten anyone. I have a medical background and so it's easier for me to remember medications etc than DH. But he mans up and learns about it...this is the Information Age. And if I feel that he is slacking off on something, I ask him calmly and as an adult to put in some effort.

I wouldn't put up with a cop aren't who didn't understand what asthma medication to give. That's life or death, people!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people have unrealist expectations or aren't working well with their spouse. Two of our three kids have SN. My DH knows their challenges but he's not a good observer, not a good reporter and has his own challenges. I'm the one who makes appointments, liaises with the care providers, prepares for the IEP/school meetings and communicate with teachers. That doesn't mean he's opted out of parenting. He's a great father and very involved with the kids. He's just not good at the details. When he does take a child for an appoitnment, I make him a checklist with information he needs to communicate to the doctor and the questions I want him to ask. He's happy that I do it because I'm setting him up for success and not failure. He can't help not being as good at this as I am and it's not a reason for him not to do it. This works for both of us.

This makes you sound like you have a fourth child. You should not be not DH's coach. That being said, I totally resonate with you about the details. DH does not care enough to get the details down. He assumes (rightly) that I will take care of them.

I guess the difference between us is that I know the reason my DH doesn't get the details down is not because he doesn't care. He does care and shows me and the kids that he does in 1,001 ways. His ability to remember, to notice what I notice and then consolidate and present the information to the developmental pediatrician/therapist/whoever is not a litmus test for his love or his ability to parent. And, I know he's not the only parent who is challenged by this. Knowing that he's not good at this, why would I not make a list? What does that get me or him? Nothing. Making a list is not hard at all. I suppose I could dictate the information/questions to him but what added value is that?

A PP said I sounded like his mother. How's that? Is there nothing your spouse does for you because he's better at it than you? I can tell you that my DH does a good number of things better than me and always will - he'll always be able to grill food better than me. He's a genius at small engine repair, he networked/cabled our whole house and we can access our home computers remotely, he set up a Minecraft server so our kids and their friends can play. He's an amazing Boy Scout leader. But, he can't do as well as I can regarding our kids' disabilities. Big deal. I'm happy to take the lead on it because that's a small weakness in the overall package he brings to the relationship. It might be a deal breaker for you but it's not for me. Oh, I'm also happy to 'coach' him when he needs it. We can all use coaches in our life and he returns the favor for me. It's how I learned to use power tools and have confidence to tackle some home improvement projects of my own. I'm not as good as he is but he's always happy to coach and support me.

[Anonymous]

Good reply, PP!!