Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex? NY Times articles suggests yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

In our household, I do the work and DH gets to criticize and second-guess everything, thus I can take no real responsibility for anything. This includes all the so-called male tasks I do such as home repair and improvement, handling the finances and investments, etc.: I do it all, and it all subject to his detailed scrutiny and pending his approval. Guess whether we have sex? The one area I exercised my veto power, going on 3 years now.

Just get divorced already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jezebel points out the statistical and logical flaws of the author's arguments.

http://jezebel.com/what-if-equality-is-the-biggest-bonerkiller-of-all-1518482932?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow


Also, this is the "Marry him because he's good enough" author and she's also known for a controversial piece on Obamacare. http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2013/11/liberals_slam_ny_times_op-ed_contributor_lori_gottleib_for_daring_to_complain_about_obamacare.html

There was an interesting article in the Times a while ago which claimed that women, generally, lose sexual desire for long term partners while men do not, leading to an imbalance in how often male/female partners in long term, monogamous relationships want sex.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/05/26/magazine/unexcited-there-may-be-a-pill-for-that.html?pagewanted=all

I am skeptical of the statistical soundness of these articles, BUT, assuming it is sound and both articles are correct, wouldn't it make sense that heterosexual couples in equal relationships tend to have less sex if that is what the female partner wants?

[Anonymous]

I think I don't get more sex because I "out masculine" my DH. I'm slightly more successful at work - virtually a toss up though - but he does nothing for the house and much less than I do for the kids. I don't really respect him. Did I mention I have a much higher sex drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How infrequent is a problem? It's going to be different for every couple. Personally, I think the one who wants it least just has to realize it's important to keeping a marriage strong and just treat it like a chore and offer at least once or twice a week.

Tell that to my husband. Once a week is all he can muster. It's infuriating, since I"m in my high sex drive stage (mid 40s). He's 50, and his excuse is that his sexual peak was 30 years ago. Is it any wonder I check out other guys?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this theory to be true personally. When
I was working full time, I was often too tired/starved for alone time to want to have sex often. Now that I SAH, I make sure we do it at least twice a week. Partly because I'm less tired/overwhelmed and partly because I realize I am more dependent on DH and want to keep the marriage strong and healthy. Believe me, before you jump down my throat, I realize how retro this sounds. I'm just being brutally honest because this is anonymous.

Anyway, I agree with the PP who said that sometimes you just have to treat it like a chore to check off (if you're usually the uninterested party). If it were totally up to me, we'd probably only have sex a couple times a month. That is enough to satisfy me but it's not for DH. A lot of the respondents to the Times article are criticizing the idea that frequent sex is essential to the health of a marriage. It might not be for some people but I tend to think it is necessary for most men.

I think agreeing on sexual frequency that satisfies both is essential to a happy marriage. I am the only one of my close circle of friends who wants sex more than her husband. If I push the issue, and ask for sex more than H is interested, sometimes he'll give in to get me off his back, but he's not enthusiastic and it's not that great. I'd rather wait until he wants it, and take care of my own needs in between. Of course, the problem with that is that I'm vulnerable to an affair, but for some reason H doesn't worry at all about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

My husband also told me this...even after before getting married, I talked with him and told him I wanted an equal partnership and he agreed whole heartedly. He used to make meals, clean things, etc. Things changed a lot after we were married a few years and had a baby, and once he started making so much more money than me.

I work/commute 11+ hours a day, make $60,000 (but he is self employed, so we get a lot of benefits through my job that we wouldn't otherwise have access to - 401K match, pre-tax programs, health insurance, etc)

He works/commutes 5 to 6 hours a day, makes about $120,00

I just can't handle all the housework, cooking and childcare too. I'm exhausted and feel lucky if I get 4 hours of sleep a night.

[Anonymous]

But you still feel sexy, right?????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But you still feel sexy, right?????

If directed at me, then NO. I'm too tired to feel sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the article but in my marriage my DH does virtually nothing. I mean seriously no housework, maybe does the dishes once a month and will take the trash out 2-3 times a month. He's managed to guilt me into thinking we have to have lots of sex for a healthy marriage, even though he doesn't have to help me in any way around the house. He does work more hours a week, although we are both considered full time. My job is more strenuous and the hours suck, he technically clocks more hours (about 5-10 more depending on various things) but can often waste time playing on the Internet, reading, etc. I take part time classes working on my bachelor's degree. I do everything: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and probably 90% or more of childcare while juggling 36 hours a week of night shift plus college courses. But God forbid if we don't have sex at least 2x a night complete with a BJ prior and a back rub after for him.

Here you complaining about a potential douchebag, but here's the bonus question. Are you giving him lots of sex, including a BJ and a back rub?

[Anonymous]

Lol - its a wonder the human race persists listening to some of you people complain.

[Anonymous]

My wife kept chalking up her asexuality to being tired. I kept doing more and more until my wife - who is, fortunately, pretty cool and fair minded - finally concluded that I wasn't the problem, being overworked wasn't the problem, and that she ought to want to have sex. So, now she is having her hormones checked.

I wonder how many wives who aren't so reflective or fair minded just keep on shifting the blame indefinitely while sitting back and enjoying the benefits of a husband working harder and harder.

I'm sure that in most cases it's not a conscious thing, but, as Upton Sinclair pointed out, "it's difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it." So often, women's solutions to their low sex drive are self-serving. It's tough not to get skeptical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find that with both of us having demanding careers and a high intensity child, I view DH more as a competitor for limited resources of time alone/time to work than someone I want to have sex with. If we had more money to hire help, and I was not so exhausted and pushed to the brink, I would be more interested in him sexually.

Feel exactly the same!

[Anonymous]

So many women rationalizing that if only DH provided X Y and Z they would be turned on by him again. Then X Y and Z get provided and yet nothing ever changes. So then hubby get the added pleasure of knowing that not only is he being rejected he was being used as well.

[Anonymous]

Huh. No other women have higher sex drives than their husbands?

[Anonymous]

This is not a "NYTimes article," it's a linkbait thinkpiece written by someone who has argued that women are better of "settling" than not getting married (by a woman who has never been married).