Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex? NY Times articles suggests yes

[Anonymous]

I believe this has been discussed elsewhere but this new article explores in depth the reasons why this may be:

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/02/09/magazine/does-a-more-equal-marriage-mean-less-sex.html?hp

I'm curious to hear other couples' experiences.

My sex life with my DW hss nosedived (I can count on both times how frequently we have sex each year) since we have kids, and I have been very involved in parenting (waking up at night to feed them, taking paternity leave, etc.). But I attribute our lack of sex to other problems in our marriage, not my doing housework.

[Anonymous]

It's a follow up on a study from last year that did get some discussion around here. In my opinion, this is the money quote:

"Brines believes the quandary many couples find themselves in comes down to this: “The less gender differentiation, the less sexual desire.” In other words, in an attempt to be gender-neutral, we may have become gender-neutered."

The trick is to balance the power in the relationship so that one spouse isn't getting dumped on while still being able to enjoy a masculine and feminine differentiation in the marriage.

I definitely favor equal rights and, I'm mostly pro-feminism. But, I've absolutely seen an uptick in our sex life as I've made an effort to be "manlier." I don't know the gender politics involved, but bigger biceps haven't hurt anything.

[Anonymous]

read the countless threads here - men doing more of the house work or taking on more of the responsibilities are seen as betas - that doesn't get the DW's panties wet.

is it simplistic? of course. men are struggling to find that balance of being supportive yet being dominant (the 'alpha') in this new age of equal partnership. women don't seem to have adjusted well either- they want the equality of responsibility (i.e., that men do more - rightfully so) but that results in keeping their legs (and mouths) shut tight.

sad but true

[Anonymous]

This has been discussed ad nauseam.

Go take notes from Southern men, thread further down. They get laid. It's called being a manly gentleman. Pencil necks from Princeton, need not apply.

Also, don't marry a woman who is not sexual. apparently many of them become asexual after babies and think it is A-OK. Dozens of them justifying it on here.

[Anonymous]

Not this again ...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed ad nauseam.

Go take notes from Southern men, thread further down. They get laid. It's called being a manly gentleman. Pencil necks from Princeton, need not apply.

Also, don't marry a woman who is not sexual. apparently many of them become asexual after babies and think it is A-OK. Dozens of them justifying it on here.

This is so funny . . . you do know that Princeton has long been considered the Ivy with the most Southern vibe, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not this again ...

As long as dependable, helpful husbands aren't getting laid while irresponsible douchebags are, this is going to keep coming up.

[Anonymous]

The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the article but in my marriage my DH does virtually nothing. I mean seriously no housework, maybe does the dishes once a month and will take the trash out 2-3 times a month. He's managed to guilt me into thinking we have to have lots of sex for a healthy marriage, even though he doesn't have to help me in any way around the house. He does work more hours a week, although we are both considered full time. My job is more strenuous and the hours suck, he technically clocks more hours (about 5-10 more depending on various things) but can often waste time playing on the Internet, reading, etc. I take part time classes working on my bachelor's degree. I do everything: cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping and probably 90% or more of childcare while juggling 36 hours a week of night shift plus college courses. But God forbid if we don't have sex at least 2x a night complete with a BJ prior and a back rub after for him.

[Anonymous]

When I do put forth extra effort, I find that my wife rationalizes it as "not counting" for some reason. So, why bother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

How much less money? If it's a 51/49 split, that's clearly unreasonable. If it's 90/10, that division doesn't seem too far off.

In any event, the best I ever see from women who think their husband does too little is "Maybe" if he did more, I'd want to have sex. My guess is that the unspoken "maybe not" side of that equation is more likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

How much less money? If it's a 51/49 split, that's clearly unreasonable. If it's 90/10, that division doesn't seem too far off.

In any event, the best I ever see from women who think their husband does too little is "Maybe" if he did more, I'd want to have sex. My guess is that the unspoken "maybe not" side of that equation is more likely.

Why does the income division matter? We both work full time, similar hours, and in a marriage earn money together. However, he never pulled his weight at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

How much less money? If it's a 51/49 split, that's clearly unreasonable. If it's 90/10, that division doesn't seem too far off.

In any event, the best I ever see from women who think their husband does too little is "Maybe" if he did more, I'd want to have sex. My guess is that the unspoken "maybe not" side of that equation is more likely.

$ doesn't matter here. She could easily have a more demanding job, work more hours, more stressful, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been discussed ad nauseam.

Go take notes from Southern men, thread further down. They get laid. It's called being a manly gentleman. Pencil necks from Princeton, need not apply.

Also, don't marry a woman who is not sexual. apparently many of them become asexual after babies and think it is A-OK. Dozens of them justifying it on here.

Which thread is that? Though I too think that Princeton is supposed to have that Southern gentleman vibe.