Does a More Equal Marriage Mean Less Sex? NY Times articles suggests yes

[Anonymous]

I think there is something to this article. My husband brings in 60% of the $, and does 40% of the housework (in the form of "manly" chores like garbage, cars, bills). I recognize that part of my "job" here is to be feminine (ie take care of my appearance, etc).

We have a great sex life.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if there's an education component to this? Does education level of women affect how they perceive "manliness"? I guess I'm specifically asking if higher education means she doesn't de-masculinize a man that is more gender equal.

[Anonymous]

I think the article is stupid. The whole thing can be explained by the fact that men that do their fair share of work are as tired as women always are. And face it, it is easier for women to have sex when they are tired than it is for men to. Men need at least some energy to have sex. Women don't.

[Anonymous]

Jezebel points out the statistical and logical flaws of the author's arguments.

http://jezebel.com/what-if-equality-is-the-biggest-bonerkiller-of-all-1518482932?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow


Also, this is the "Marry him because he's good enough" author and she's also known for a controversial piece on Obamacare. http://www.americanthinker.com/blog/2013/11/liberals_slam_ny_times_op-ed_contributor_lori_gottleib_for_daring_to_complain_about_obamacare.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the article is stupid. The whole thing can be explained by the fact that men that do their fair share of work are as tired as women always are. And face it, it is easier for women to have sex when they are tired than it is for men to. Men need at least some energy to have sex. Women don't.

Not even close to true. I do my fair share around the house and then some. And I bring in 80% of the dough. The number of times I was actually too tired for sex was well fewer than the number of times we actually had sex in many years -- say, around five nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not this again ...

As long as dependable, helpful husbands aren't getting laid while irresponsible douchebags are, this is going to keep coming up.

+1
Amen, brother.

[Anonymous]

How infrequent is a problem? It's going to be different for every couple. Personally, I think the one who wants it least just has to realize it's important to keeping a marriage strong and just treat it like a chore and offer at least once or twice a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

In our household, I do the work and DH gets to criticize and second-guess everything, thus I can take no real responsibility for anything. This includes all the so-called male tasks I do such as home repair and improvement, handling the finances and investments, etc.: I do it all, and it all subject to his detailed scrutiny and pending his approval. Guess whether we have sex? The one area I exercised my veto power, going on 3 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

How much less money? If it's a 51/49 split, that's clearly unreasonable. If it's 90/10, that division doesn't seem too far off.

In any event, the best I ever see from women who think their husband does too little is "Maybe" if he did more, I'd want to have sex. My guess is that the unspoken "maybe not" side of that equation is more likely.

It matters because, if she's not making much money but is is spending a lot of hours on that job, then the family's over all labor pool isn't being allocated efficiently. She can shift her effort from work to home without that big of a hit to income.

Why does the income division matter? We both work full time, similar hours, and in a marriage earn money together. However, he never pulled his weight at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How infrequent is a problem? It's going to be different for every couple. Personally, I think the one who wants it least just has to realize it's important to keeping a marriage strong and just treat it like a chore and offer at least once or twice a week.

This isn't going to be an exact science. If both spouses want to have sex only once per year, then it's not a problem. If both spouses want to do it three times a day, that's not a problem. The disparity is where the problem crops up. When you have a disparity, I think that's when you look at averages for married couples in your age group. You don't have to hit an average, but whichever spouse is furthest away from the average is probably the one more likely to have issues that can be resolved to bring them more in line with the averages.

I'm a guy, have been married 18 years and we're both in the neighborhood of 40. I'd like to do it 2-3x per week, but don't feel that 1x per week is unreasonable. When it gets closer to 1-2x per month, I start to grow resentful.

[Anonymous]

I find that with both of us having demanding careers and a high intensity child, I view DH more as a competitor for limited resources of time alone/time to work than someone I want to have sex with. If we had more money to hire help, and I was not so exhausted and pushed to the brink, I would be more interested in him sexually.

[Anonymous]

I find this theory to be true personally. When
I was working full time, I was often too tired/starved for alone time to want to have sex often. Now that I SAH, I make sure we do it at least twice a week. Partly because I'm less tired/overwhelmed and partly because I realize I am more dependent on DH and want to keep the marriage strong and healthy. Believe me, before you jump down my throat, I realize how retro this sounds. I'm just being brutally honest because this is anonymous.

Anyway, I agree with the PP who said that sometimes you just have to treat it like a chore to check off (if you're usually the uninterested party). If it were totally up to me, we'd probably only have sex a couple times a month. That is enough to satisfy me but it's not for DH. A lot of the respondents to the Times article are criticizing the idea that frequent sex is essential to the health of a marriage. It might not be for some people but I tend to think it is necessary for most men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the article is stupid. The whole thing can be explained by the fact that men that do their fair share of work are as tired as women always are. quote]

Honestly, my husband and I read the article, and that was our first reaction--if both people are working and pulling their share of household chores and childcare, then both people are tired. Ergo, less sex. He also pointed out that having a kid reduces his gym time, and that negatively affects his sleep quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

In our household, I do the work and DH gets to criticize and second-guess everything, thus I can take no real responsibility for anything. This includes all the so-called male tasks I do such as home repair and improvement, handling the finances and investments, etc.: I do it all, and it all subject to his detailed scrutiny and pending his approval. Guess whether we have sex? The one area I exercised my veto power, going on 3 years now.

i think you have a chicken and egg problem here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The enormous amount of inequality in my marriage - financial, me doing all the grunt work, and him feeling too superior to do that because it isn't what a master of the universe does - definitely makes me not want to have sex with DH.

+1

I was specifically told that because I made less money I was responsible for ALL of the household chores as well as at least 50% of childcare.

I didn't want to have sex with his sexist a$$.

How much less money? If it's a 51/49 split, that's clearly unreasonable. If it's 90/10, that division doesn't seem too far off.

In any event, the best I ever see from women who think their husband does too little is "Maybe" if he did more, I'd want to have sex. My guess is that the unspoken "maybe not" side of that equation is more likely.

It matters because, if she's not making much money but is is spending a lot of hours on that job, then the family's over all labor pool isn't being allocated efficiently. She can shift her effort from work to home without that big of a hit to income.

Why does the income division matter? We both work full time, similar hours, and in a marriage earn money together. However, he never pulled his weight at home.

No offense, but do you choose your work hours?! Yeah, I don't either. A job is a job and contributes to our HHI. I can't quit my job because my husband doesn't make enough money, so that's on him.