MIL and breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you get the chance, begin interviewing her on the topic. Act super interested in her answers and follow up with questions that put her on the spot Such as:
"Did you bf Dh?"
"No, why not? Did your pediatrician back then advise against it?" "Why do you think doctors back then encouraged formula?"
"Have you seen any of the modern studies on bf?"
"Dh wants me to bf. Do you think he's wrong?"
"So do you think bf means a baby isnt getting enough to eat? Do you think it is that way for all babies or just some?"

My natural instinct is not to let pushy people off the hook. If she's going to be so insistent I'm going to get right back in her face. Acting sweet and sincerely curious in her answers and all, but still driving home the point that at the end of the day, (1) she's clueless and (2) she should Myob. Answer every question with a question - "is that what you would do?" And if you get a one word reply, "Why do you think that's important?"

Well-intentioned advice, but you'd be wrong to take it. All this would do is give the opening that your MIL seeks. If you don't want her input on breastfeeding or any parenting decision that you and your husband make, then don't invite it. I get the goal behind the PP's advice, but it will not work in terms of shutting down your MIL's behavior. She might actually think you are inviting her to give you her opinion and all of her reasons why she did things a certain way with her own kids.

BTW, OP, I give you huge credit. I've bitten my tongue a lot with my MIL, but I think I might have lost it if I heard her telling my infant anything to the effect of "mommy is starving you." Wow. Just wow. I've nursed all of my kids and my MIL has made a variety of rude comments about it to anyone who will listen. With my first, she resented it that we wouldn't leave the child with her so she could babysit in the first few months when the baby was nursing a lot. Now, with my fourth kid nursing, she constantly makes comments about how my baby appears to be thirsty. Why am I not giving her a sippy cup, etc...? It's obnoxious. My approach is to ignore as much as possible and give yes or no answers to her questions and then quickly shift topics.

[Anonymous]

I am the pp and if I'd heard MIL say that to my baby I would have sweetly gotten my baby back from her and said to the baby, "awww, is mommy starving you, is she? Is she? Poor poor little baby, being bf'd like millions of babies over the millennia. How will you ever survive?" And then I'd look at MIL and smile and leave the room and make her a cup of tea.

But I'm a sarcastic btch that way.

[Anonymous]

Up until the invention of formula (about a century ago?), how the f*&^king hell does MIL think mankind survived and thrived for the last 60K years?

[Anonymous]

Interesting. I was FF (I am 34) because my mother was pretty young/naive and the pediatrician pushed formula for myriad reasons. She doesn't have guilt or any of that of course (hello, like I said, I'm in my 30s- that would be a lot to hold on to!)- but I can tell she's a little sad that she doesn't have any words of wisdom/tricks/ secrets to help with BF since she did it for 4-6 weeks only with my siblings and I. She's kind of oddly fascinated by it too, but at least supportive.

I also think that just being kind but blunt is a good approach if passive aggressive comments aren't something you feel like you want to ignore anymore. Just ask, genuinely and politely, "why do you make so many comments on breast feeding? its a short time in this person's life and its easy for me right now, so I don't see what the issue is, since it doesn't really effect anyone else?"

If they have to actually answer, well, it might shut down the constant nagging.

[Anonymous]

She probably feels guilt and jealousy that she did not BF her kids. My mom has told me she feels cheated now that the truth about BF is out -she wishes she had known enough to BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time you get the chance, begin interviewing her on the topic. Act super interested in her answers and follow up with questions that put her on the spot Such as:
"Did you bf Dh?"
"No, why not? Did your pediatrician back then advise against it?" "Why do you think doctors back then encouraged formula?"
"Have you seen any of the modern studies on bf?"
"Dh wants me to bf. Do you think he's wrong?"
"So do you think bf means a baby isnt getting enough to eat? Do you think it is that way for all babies or just some?"

My natural instinct is not to let pushy people off the hook. If she's going to be so insistent I'm going to get right back in her face. Acting sweet and sincerely curious in her answers and all, but still driving home the point that at the end of the day, (1) she's clueless and (2) she should Myob. Answer every question with a question - "is that what you would do?" And if you get a one word reply, "Why do you think that's important?"

Terrible advice. The implication is that you need to prove to your MIL that whatever parenting decision you make is correct. This would invite even more meddling on her side and strain your relationship with your MIL even more as you will constantly be arguing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you get the chance, begin interviewing her on the topic. Act super interested in her answers and follow up with questions that put her on the spot Such as:
"Did you bf Dh?"
"No, why not? Did your pediatrician back then advise against it?" "Why do you think doctors back then encouraged formula?"
"Have you seen any of the modern studies on bf?"
"Dh wants me to bf. Do you think he's wrong?"
"So do you think bf means a baby isnt getting enough to eat? Do you think it is that way for all babies or just some?"

My natural instinct is not to let pushy people off the hook. If she's going to be so insistent I'm going to get right back in her face. Acting sweet and sincerely curious in her answers and all, but still driving home the point that at the end of the day, (1) she's clueless and (2) she should Myob. Answer every question with a question - "is that what you would do?" And if you get a one word reply, "Why do you think that's important?"

Terrible advice. The implication is that you need to prove to your MIL that whatever parenting decision you make is correct. This would invite even more meddling on her side and strain your relationship with your MIL even more as you will constantly be arguing.

The strategy is totally going over your head. The strategy doesn't include arguing. At all. It includes lots of smiling, lots of ACTING interested, like she's the Einstein of Breastfeeding, and lots of sweetness. It also doesn't imply anything, that you are trying to prove anything. Just that you CARE SO VERY DEEPLY about her VERY WISE ADVICE. And then you sit there and smile and say, "Wow, that gives me a lot to think about" while you keep doing it your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother and aunts are very much against breastfeeding and it is generational - they were brought up with many body taboos and no scientific knowledge of any kind, plus they were influenced with silly feminist ideas such as that breastfeeding keeps women in gender roles.

My mother would start each phone conversation with: "so when are you going to wean?"

I weaned when DD was 2.5.

My MIL asked me this question constantly until one day I responded, "that depends on whether he goes away to college, or lives at home."

I weaned when DS was 3.

OMG. this is fabulous. I must keep this one in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the replies. It's interesting to read about other experiences with similar and opposite situations. To answer PP's question, she's 67. I do think there has to be something generational about it, but that's definitely not all of it. I agree that there is some kind of control thing going on. It's very obvious that she's obsessing over it -- it's literally the first thing she asks about every time we talk, and she asks dozens of questions every time, and she will come back to the topic repeatedly in the course of a conversation. It's just such a strange thing to obsess over in the course of dozens of other parenting and other decisions DH and I've made, why this one particular thing? I've always offered to let her feed the baby a bottle when she visits and I stay in the same room if I'm nursing DS, so it's clear I'm not taking him away from her. I've sometimes wondered if she thinks it's disgusting. Not just a generational or class thing, but that it's just a disgusting practice in her eyes. If I were ever to call her out or question her on it, she'd never speak to me again, and otherwise she's a good grandmother to our kids and we have a decent enough relationship so it's not worth it to me to say anything. I would just like to know what it is that bothers her so much about it.

OP, it's like asking why my 12 year old gets all upset over the silliest thing. Or why a 2 year old is sobbing over a toy being moved 3 inches. THERE IS NO ANSWER. You're searching for a rational answer in an irrational situation. Your MIL is jealous/controlling/ignorant/whatever. Stop the search and either let it go or let her have it by telling her to bug off. There have been many suggestions here for both approaches. But again, there is no rational answer as to why it bothers her. She can't tell you, so let it go.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws were pro formula for my first child in the beginning. To their credit, they did a lot of research and decided I was a genius to bf my son. This was all very nice considering my redneck dumb parents would actually say things like "get him off the tit!" or "he will become obsessed with you and never love another woman". I stopped talking to my parents for other reasons, but I was always grateful to my inlaws to support my decision even though I wouldn't have cared what they thought. Now as I'm going to have number 2 any time, my inlaws talk about bf all the time. I don't know which was worse, my weird hillbilly parents ranting about "gittin' him off the tit" or my FIL letting me know that he was "totally ok if I wanted to bf in front of him as it is total natural and he doesn't think of breasts as sexual." (should mention that my inlaws are Scandinavian).

And now the mystery of why I stay away from both my parents and my inlaws is explained.

[Anonymous]

Up until the pasr 15 years, nursing mothers acted with discretion and did not pull their naked breast out and become feminazizs.

[Anonymous]

This new DCUM troll is ridiculous. Reporting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm less convinced it's generational. I'm in my late 40's and was born in the mid 1960's. I was fed formula. My youngest sister, however, was born in the late 1970's and my mom nursed her for several years. She was very supportive of my nursing as well as my SIL's nursing.

It's probably safe to say that if you are having a baby now, you were born in the 1970's when there was a lot more support for breastfeeding. It wasn't seen as unusual. Yes, babies still had formula, but there was definitely a swing away from a "overly medicalized" birth where the mother was put under (like my mom was) towards the other end where there were planned home births.

If you're hearing comments like that, my guess is that it's also because MIL is insecure in her role. She probably didn't nurse and wants to step in and control. I imagine that in the next 5 years, there will be fewer posts like this where breastfeeding is an issue between a MIL and DIL.

Of course, there will still be issues between MILs and DILs!

No, it wasn't the 70s. I was born in the 70s and my friends as well. All FF. It must have been the 80s that the pendulum started to swing towards BF. (I think BF is better for a baby, fwiw.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This new DCUM troll is ridiculous. Reporting.

Good. I was going to report too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next time you get the chance, begin interviewing her on the topic. Act super interested in her answers and follow up with questions that put her on the spot Such as:
"Did you bf Dh?"
"No, why not? Did your pediatrician back then advise against it?" "Why do you think doctors back then encouraged formula?"
"Have you seen any of the modern studies on bf?"
"Dh wants me to bf. Do you think he's wrong?"
"So do you think bf means a baby isnt getting enough to eat? Do you think it is that way for all babies or just some?"

My natural instinct is not to let pushy people off the hook. If she's going to be so insistent I'm going to get right back in her face. Acting sweet and sincerely curious in her answers and all, but still driving home the point that at the end of the day, (1) she's clueless and (2) she should Myob. Answer every question with a question - "is that what you would do?" And if you get a one word reply, "Why do you think that's important?"

Terrible advice. The implication is that you need to prove to your MIL that whatever parenting decision you make is correct. This would invite even more meddling on her side and strain your relationship with your MIL even more as you will constantly be arguing.

The strategy is totally going over your head. The strategy doesn't include arguing. At all. It includes lots of smiling, lots of ACTING interested, like she's the Einstein of Breastfeeding, and lots of sweetness. It also doesn't imply anything, that you are trying to prove anything. Just that you CARE SO VERY DEEPLY about her VERY WISE ADVICE. And then you sit there and smile and say, "Wow, that gives me a lot to think about" while you keep doing it your way.

sounds very passive agressive and totally unnecessary. this is OP's baby and she decided to BF. no discussion is needed.