MIL and breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

It's probably generational. When she had her kids, only poor people nursed. At least that was the case when I was a baby. She probably thinks it's low class.

[Anonymous]

Let's just answer this. How old is your MIL, OP?

I agree there is a generational aspect but by the 70s it was already changing. If your MIL had her kids in the 60s I think it could safely be called generational. But IMO essentially she's being a bitch, because she has had plenty of time and other grandkids to learn the current way of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it seems like this is a post that comes up often.

I think (and this isn't backed by any research, so take it anyway you want to) that MILs are uncomfortable with it because they feel jealous of the intimacy and bond, etc. I think it's a territorial thing.

But that's why it's worth shutting it down -- the baby isn't MIL's "territory". Establishing firm boundaries right from the start, including not questioning parenting decisions, can only be helpful down the road.

Mine doesn't listen. There's no establishing boundaries with someone like that, so I just keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, its not generational, its personal. My MIL was in my hair all the time to BF. I found it quite difficult while for he it was apparently easy. It sucks either way.

This was my experience also. To the point where xMIL wouldn't leave the NICU when I was trying to nurse DS the first few times. My mom on the other hand (10 years younger than xMIL) gave advice when asked and fully supported my switching to FF when BF'ing didn't work.

It's a control thing.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP. My mother is passive aggressive and also thinks she is the queen of taking care of babies (having raised quite a few -- not that we all turned out so great, but that's a different topic.) I just try to ignore her as best I can, because in my case engaging her would not do any good and also because if I tried to say anything directly to her about it she would deny it and say I misinterpreted her intentions.

If it really bugs you, you can always ask if she wants to call your pediatrician and talk to him/her. Or sign her up for some breastfeeding newsletter.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for all of the replies. It's interesting to read about other experiences with similar and opposite situations. To answer PP's question, she's 67. I do think there has to be something generational about it, but that's definitely not all of it. I agree that there is some kind of control thing going on. It's very obvious that she's obsessing over it -- it's literally the first thing she asks about every time we talk, and she asks dozens of questions every time, and she will come back to the topic repeatedly in the course of a conversation. It's just such a strange thing to obsess over in the course of dozens of other parenting and other decisions DH and I've made, why this one particular thing? I've always offered to let her feed the baby a bottle when she visits and I stay in the same room if I'm nursing DS, so it's clear I'm not taking him away from her. I've sometimes wondered if she thinks it's disgusting. Not just a generational or class thing, but that it's just a disgusting practice in her eyes. If I were ever to call her out or question her on it, she'd never speak to me again, and otherwise she's a good grandmother to our kids and we have a decent enough relationship so it's not worth it to me to say anything. I would just like to know what it is that bothers her so much about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother and aunts are very much against breastfeeding and it is generational - they were brought up with many body taboos and no scientific knowledge of any kind, plus they were influenced with silly feminist ideas such as that breastfeeding keeps women in gender roles.

My mother would start each phone conversation with: "so when are you going to wean?"

I weaned when DD was 2.5.

My MIL asked me this question constantly until one day I responded, "that depends on whether he goes away to college, or lives at home."

I weaned when DS was 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the replies. It's interesting to read about other experiences with similar and opposite situations. To answer PP's question, she's 67. I do think there has to be something generational about it, but that's definitely not all of it. I agree that there is some kind of control thing going on. It's very obvious that she's obsessing over it -- it's literally the first thing she asks about every time we talk, and she asks dozens of questions every time, and she will come back to the topic repeatedly in the course of a conversation. It's just such a strange thing to obsess over in the course of dozens of other parenting and other decisions DH and I've made, why this one particular thing? I've always offered to let her feed the baby a bottle when she visits and I stay in the same room if I'm nursing DS, so it's clear I'm not taking him away from her. I've sometimes wondered if she thinks it's disgusting. Not just a generational or class thing, but that it's just a disgusting practice in her eyes. If I were ever to call her out or question her on it, she'd never speak to me again, and otherwise she's a good grandmother to our kids and we have a decent enough relationship so it's not worth it to me to say anything. I would just like to know what it is that bothers her so much about it.

OP, why not have DH address this with your MIL?

[Anonymous]

It could also be cultural. There are some communities in which breastfeeding has not made a come back. I don't really need to name them - I'm sure you know whether your mom belongs to one of these groups - but in those communities, it's thought of as inferior. It's assumed the kid can't possibly get enough through breastfeeding, the mother ends up overburdened, will the kid get enough vitamins? What about iron? The BS the the formula companies sold is still widely accepted in some circles and those who do try to BF don't have any support, so anecdotal evidence reaffirms the broadly held notion that BFing just doesn't work.

And in many parts of the world keeping a baby/child well fed is one of the highest ranking indicators of whether the child is well cared for. My childcare provider, who thankfully is supportive of breastfeeding, does come from one of these communities where you never let a kid get hungry. She feeds the kids all day long - she stops when they say they're full and it's all healthy food so I don't tell her to hold back, but it's clear this woman takes pride in ensuring that her charges are never hungry. If your MIL is from one of these cultures and is combining his distaste for BFing with her overall concern that the child should never let out a cry of hunger, then that might explain her weird obsession.

[Anonymous]

You women are full of shit. Just come out and say you hate MIL instead of making up stories about breast feeding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You women are full of shit. Just come out and say you hate MIL instead of making up stories about breast feeding.

?? You think no MIL ever comments on how her DIL chooses to feed her baby? My MIL was supportive of that, critical of other things, and overall we have a decent relationship. I don't know what to tell you if don't think that ever happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all of the replies. It's interesting to read about other experiences with similar and opposite situations. To answer PP's question, she's 67. I do think there has to be something generational about it, but that's definitely not all of it. I agree that there is some kind of control thing going on. It's very obvious that she's obsessing over it -- it's literally the first thing she asks about every time we talk, and she asks dozens of questions every time, and she will come back to the topic repeatedly in the course of a conversation. It's just such a strange thing to obsess over in the course of dozens of other parenting and other decisions DH and I've made, why this one particular thing? I've always offered to let her feed the baby a bottle when she visits and I stay in the same room if I'm nursing DS, so it's clear I'm not taking him away from her. I've sometimes wondered if she thinks it's disgusting. Not just a generational or class thing, but that it's just a disgusting practice in her eyes. If I were ever to call her out or question her on it, she'd never speak to me again, and otherwise she's a good grandmother to our kids and we have a decent enough relationship so it's not worth it to me to say anything. I would just like to know what it is that bothers her so much about it.

OP, why not have DH address this with your MIL?

DH won't talk about it with her. He knows she's being passive aggressive but, like everyone else in their family, chooses to ignore it. And, at the end of the day it doesn't bother me enough to stir things up over. I just find it a little bizarre and wish I could know what's really behind her dislike and preoccupation with breastfeeding.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is honestly just jealous, I think. She never bf'd in the late 60's to mid 70's when she was raising babies, and she is verrrrrryyyy attached to my husband. This is her first grandson (who she calls "my baby") and she wants to be very possessive of him, but she can't. Ha. I've staked out exclusive territory nursing him, and she can't butt in.

She has said ridiculous things about how it didn't look like he was swallowing much as he nursed, even when I was weighing before and after every feed and could see how many ounces he drank each time. She asked about solids in every conversation from 2 months on, pushing rice cereal (which we will never give) and saying DS would wake up many times a night unless we switched to formula. Aside from 2 weeks after the 4 month sleep
Regression, he's STTN every night since 8 weeks.

FIL asks all the time when I'm planning to wean. I know he only asks at the request of MIL. I loooove love love the comeback about it depends on whether he goes away to college. Love love.

[Anonymous]

Next time you get the chance, begin interviewing her on the topic. Act super interested in her answers and follow up with questions that put her on the spot Such as:
"Did you bf Dh?"
"No, why not? Did your pediatrician back then advise against it?" "Why do you think doctors back then encouraged formula?"
"Have you seen any of the modern studies on bf?"
"Dh wants me to bf. Do you think he's wrong?"
"So do you think bf means a baby isnt getting enough to eat? Do you think it is that way for all babies or just some?"

My natural instinct is not to let pushy people off the hook. If she's going to be so insistent I'm going to get right back in her face. Acting sweet and sincerely curious in her answers and all, but still driving home the point that at the end of the day, (1) she's clueless and (2) she should Myob. Answer every question with a question - "is that what you would do?" And if you get a one word reply, "Why do you think that's important?"

[Anonymous]

My MIL was obsessed with the topic of breast feeding too, and I agree with PPs that it was partially generational and partially wanting to give baby a bottle. She would make comments all the time about "Larla's 'special' milk," and "Oh, you're hungry, I can't help you, only your mommy can." she also insisted that the baby was grabbing for her breasts, anytime the baby's hands were anywhere remotely in the vicinity. The whole thing was cringeworthy. It finally stopped when I started responding politely but firmly, "I'm pretty sure she's not trying to grab your breasts." I think it was the word "breasts" that got her, as she never actually used it herself, just silly euphemisms.