MIL and breastfeeding

[Anonymous]

I've come to realize that my MIL, for some reason, hates that I'm breastfeeding my 3 month old DS. When she visits she fixates on it and asks dozens of detailed and leading questions that make it clear that she thinks it's not a good idea without coming out and directly saying so. From her questions and comments, it's clear that she thinks breastfed babies don't sleep as well as FF babies, has repeatedly asked if DS's reflux would be fixed by giving him formula or at least a bottle of pumped milk, and once made a comment to the baby as she was giving a bottle to him while I was in the next room, that "mommy is starving you, isn't she?" To be clear, I don't care what she thinks and I'm happy to ignore the passive aggressive comments and leading questions. I've given both this DS and my older DS formula, fwiw, and I don't care about the FF vs. BF debate, it just happened that BF worked out really easily this time around. I don't recall her doing this as much when my older child was an infant, but she wasn't around as much when older DS was a baby and I EP'd with him so maybe that made a difference in her eyes? Curious to know if anyone else has experienced this? Is this perhaps a generational thing?

[Anonymous]

It's a generational thing. But that doesn't make it acceptable. Why not nip it in the bud and just say "MIL, do you have some sort of issue with my breastfeeding that you'd like to share? It won't change what I do but perhaps you'll feel better by getting it out."

Said with all the dripping sincerity you can fake muster...

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's generational. My MIL also had an issue with me bf. when she had babies, she was taught that formula was healthier and (as dumb as this sounds) it was a class thing - those who couldn't afford formula had to bf.

She's also generally uncomfortable with biology and breasts are sexual to her. I never bf or pumped in front of her, but she also seemed fixated on it.

[Anonymous]

It is generational. My mother formula fed me because her mother told her breast feeding was what poor people did who could not afford formula. When I was BFing my children I remember my mother saying how she wished she didn't listen to her mother about stuff like that. Let it go OP. It's not going to change.

[Anonymous]

My mother and aunts are very much against breastfeeding and it is generational - they were brought up with many body taboos and no scientific knowledge of any kind, plus they were influenced with silly feminist ideas such as that breastfeeding keeps women in gender roles.

My mother would start each phone conversation with: "so when are you going to wean?"

I weaned when DD was 2.5.

[Anonymous]

This would bug me. I would say something. When my MIL won't let something go, I've gone with "Oh, actually DH volunteered to take on your concerns about baby's eating. Oh, honey! Your mom has something she wants to ask you - could you come in here!"

Or you could go with: "A lot has changed since you were feeding your babies and there's consensus now about the benefits of breastfeeding. If you're not convinced, you can call [some national health hotline] with your concerns but I'm not in a position to continue entertaining the issue."

[Anonymous]

No, its not generational, its personal. My MIL was in my hair all the time to BF. I found it quite difficult while for he it was apparently easy. It sucks either way.

[Anonymous]

Wow, my mom is very pro-breastfeeding and my MIL has never mentioned it (except that apparently she gets annoyed that I disappear with the baby for 30 minutes every few hours when they are visiting). I am not keeping the baby from you, MIL, the baby has to EAT!!

[Anonymous]

I'm less convinced it's generational. I'm in my late 40's and was born in the mid 1960's. I was fed formula. My youngest sister, however, was born in the late 1970's and my mom nursed her for several years. She was very supportive of my nursing as well as my SIL's nursing.

It's probably safe to say that if you are having a baby now, you were born in the 1970's when there was a lot more support for breastfeeding. It wasn't seen as unusual. Yes, babies still had formula, but there was definitely a swing away from a "overly medicalized" birth where the mother was put under (like my mom was) towards the other end where there were planned home births.

If you're hearing comments like that, my guess is that it's also because MIL is insecure in her role. She probably didn't nurse and wants to step in and control. I imagine that in the next 5 years, there will be fewer posts like this where breastfeeding is an issue between a MIL and DIL.

Of course, there will still be issues between MILs and DILs!

[Anonymous]

I imagine it's a combination of generational ignorance and wanting to feed the baby a bottle herself.

The next time she comments, though, I'd say that you're really tired of hearing all her commentary on breast-feeding. "Things are going well, the baby is healthy and happy, so let's drop it, eh?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm less convinced it's generational. I'm in my late 40's and was born in the mid 1960's. I was fed formula. My youngest sister, however, was born in the late 1970's and my mom nursed her for several years. She was very supportive of my nursing as well as my SIL's nursing.

It's probably safe to say that if you are having a baby now, you were born in the 1970's when there was a lot more support for breastfeeding. It wasn't seen as unusual. Yes, babies still had formula, but there was definitely a swing away from a "overly medicalized" birth where the mother was put under (like my mom was) towards the other end where there were planned home births.

If you're hearing comments like that, my guess is that it's also because MIL is insecure in her role. She probably didn't nurse and wants to step in and control. I imagine that in the next 5 years, there will be fewer posts like this where breastfeeding is an issue between a MIL and DIL.

Of course, there will still be issues between MILs and DILs!

You know, I thought it was generational but now I think you're right. It's not generational -- it's controlling bitch-ional.

[Anonymous]

You could go with: "Well, the ped says all is great. So perhaps we could move on to something other than my breasts?"

[Anonymous]

it seems like this is a post that comes up often.

I think (and this isn't backed by any research, so take it anyway you want to) that MILs are uncomfortable with it because they feel jealous of the intimacy and bond, etc. I think it's a territorial thing.

[Anonymous]

My mil is 60 and rode my ass about BFeeding...I got letters about how I should do what's best for the baby etc... Sometimes you can't win!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it seems like this is a post that comes up often.

I think (and this isn't backed by any research, so take it anyway you want to) that MILs are uncomfortable with it because they feel jealous of the intimacy and bond, etc. I think it's a territorial thing.

But that's why it's worth shutting it down -- the baby isn't MIL's "territory". Establishing firm boundaries right from the start, including not questioning parenting decisions, can only be helpful down the road.