Reply to When is it time to tell your child to make it on their own

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Reply to "When is it time to tell your child to make it on their own"

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[quote=Anonymous]

OP - I am sorry that your daughter did not make wiser use of the funds left directly to her by her Dad, AND that should be a "wake up" call for all to look at their wills and weather or not you really want to leave a large chunk of assets to even a young adult child who is not mature enough on how to use it without some outside monitoring advice as through a trust arrangement.  From all that you relate, your daughter has given little reason to expect that her decision-making will change without a reality check on where her life is going and a less expensive way to explore it.

-  For her - why encourage her to go back to an expensive college setting away from home where she is obviously not making the academic grade and not making the best of independent living decisions.  She will only dig herself a deeper hole to climb out of in terms of lower GPA and record of failure, and have a fun time doing so partying with her friends and only feel more entitled.

- For you - why would you want to sink further into debt or spend the hard earned money that you are working so hard to earn from two jobs and really would be doing her no favor.  It is time for you to put yourself and your needs AT LEAST ON EQUAL FOOTING WITH YOUR DAUGHTER'S  and to clearly explain the realities of life in terms of our working and what and when you will be willing to help her out.

- For both of you, it is time to set some "House Ground Rules."  You would be coming "midway" in offering her a place to live and meals at no cost for a period of time as long as she participates regularly in household tasks.   You could give her the option of paying for one or two classes at a local community college  of her choosing if that was her choice to continue in school part-time and find a part-time job.  If a break from school was best for her, then she should find a full-time job or two part-time jobs if school is out at this time.  For a certain period, she could learn to pay for all other expenses and when you choose as appropriate to start paying you "rent" or to give you a certain amount to save for her earmarked for a future car purchase.   (If you are able to do so, this you might bank for her future use in moving on her own either in a work or school setting, but no need to tell her.)  And by a second part-time job, I do mean even sitting as up in that area they do very well.

The point is that your daughter has made some bad decisions - and expensive ones  for you - with little accountability for her.  This scenario needs to change in a way that will give her the flexibility to see what she wants to do which may take some time, but some ground rules for daily living at home.  Also, I might recommend a full-physical for her with a mental health screening because for many reasons she may be dealing with some mental health issues like depression which often crop up in late teens/early 20s.  Of this, I do know what I am saying.  Helping to rule this aspect out will also enable you to take a firmer line with one who has been "used to the cash machine."  If she continues to be only a taker, then firmer deadlines on what you are willing to offer may have to be put forth.  On a positive note, if she takes some forward steps and puts forth the effort, then you might also be willing to pay for a driver education class.

Remember you are her Mother and not her friend, and the best you can do for her is to help her regain her footing and move forward with reasonable expectations which safeguard your well-being as well as hers.  And do not forget you have a younger daughter "watching."

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