You host family for dinner, who helps with the dishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't expect the older generation to do the house chores when visiting for the holidays. We too tell them to relax and the two younger generations (us, siblings and our children) do the work. We are hosting them - if you are not hosting but rather offering room and board in exchange for labor - just make that clear before they come.

Room and board in exchange for labor? Okay.

It's not that I expect the help, really. It's the lack of intention or offering that bothers me. And she's been doing this since I had a baby nursing in one arm while I cleared the table with the other. She was 52 when my first was born and in good health.

You say that you don't expect the older generation to do the house chores, but do they offer to help? And do you turn it down? Or do they just disappear after dinner is over? What if you were sick or had a newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want everyone out of my kitchen...I need a break from all of you. I get that break while I clean up and I take my sweet time doing it.

This is exactly how I feel!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my growing up family, the person who hosted would do all of the dishes. No help from anyone at all. Ever. It was considered offensive to offer - like you thought the host could not manage to actually host the event. In my house, I appreciate the offers of help, but I always decline them. My mother never once offered to help, which is no surprise given her view on hosting. When we visit my MIL, I do all of the clean up - she is getting to be elderly and I am really appreciative that she cooks for my kids - they love her food. But, I don't want her to have to shoulder the burden of cleaning up. When we visit others, I help my kids offer to help in meaningful ways and I assist/supervise them. I think the way my family did things is normal for a certain set of people, but universally, I think most guests offer to help.

My family - both sides - operated this way, too! It's taken me a while to get the hang of 'group cooking' and 'group cleaning up' but I try to do that at my in-laws homes and beg people out of my kitchen at mine!

[Anonymous]

There are some families where parents are expected to do everything until their children become adults and have families of their own. Then as grandparents, they get to sit back and be taken care of, it is their recompense for having raised the middle generation to adulthood doing everything along the way. They did their 20+ years of caring for the family and now that you are old enough to have a family of your own, you can return the favor of taking care of them for a few years. Your MIL and FIL may have come from that perspective.

My MIL never raised a hand to help in the years we were married before children and even in the first year that the twins were born. Finally last year when the twins were about a year old, she was planning on coming for a week at Christmas and asked what we needed/wanted. The four of us had been sick as dogs and we had some personal issues (problems with work, etc) that was complicating our lives. We finally told her that what we really needed was some rest and that we would appreciate it if she postponed her visit because we just were not up to hosting. When she came to visit in the Spring, lo and behold, she actually cooked dinner for us twice during the week she visited, which was two times more than the previous 10 years of our marriage. She also arranged for Supershuttle vans to bring her from the airport to our house so that I didn't have to take off time from work to pick her up and bring her to the house and then take her back to the airport. I'm not sure what exactly my wife said to her, but she has been offering more support than before, not a lot, but we're very appreciative of any help that she offers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some families where parents are expected to do everything until their children become adults and have families of their own. Then as grandparents, they get to sit back and be taken care of, it is their recompense for having raised the middle generation to adulthood doing everything along the way. They did their 20+ years of caring for the family and now that you are old enough to have a family of your own, you can return the favor of taking care of them for a few years. Your MIL and FIL may have come from that perspective.

My MIL never raised a hand to help in the years we were married before children and even in the first year that the twins were born. Finally last year when the twins were about a year old, she was planning on coming for a week at Christmas and asked what we needed/wanted. The four of us had been sick as dogs and we had some personal issues (problems with work, etc) that was complicating our lives. We finally told her that what we really needed was some rest and that we would appreciate it if she postponed her visit because we just were not up to hosting. When she came to visit in the Spring, lo and behold, she actually cooked dinner for us twice during the week she visited, which was two times more than the previous 10 years of our marriage. She also arranged for Supershuttle vans to bring her from the airport to our house so that I didn't have to take off time from work to pick her up and bring her to the house and then take her back to the airport. I'm not sure what exactly my wife said to her, but she has been offering more support than before, not a lot, but we're very appreciative of any help that she offers.

I'm glad things have been a little easier for you. I guess that my mil came from a similar set-up. It's hard for me to get because I can't imagine NOT helping (unless someone insists, but I always offer) and especially for someone who has a small child and is, as we all know, exhausted. When I'm a grandma, I can't imagine sitting and asking for a glass of water from my harried children or children in laws when I'm perfectly capable of getting it myself. It just doesn't seem logical to me.
Mom had no help when she had little kids so she helps me a lot because she knew how hard it was. Like I said before, I'm letting this go and not obsessing over it or letting it ruin my relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

I don't expect or want people of my parents' generation to help clean up. They've done their time. Nor do I expect them to offer to help. It's my job now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect or want people of my parents' generation to help clean up. They've done their time. Nor do I expect them to offer to help. It's my job now.

+1,000

And a reality check for you, OP:

I can only wish that my late mom were here so I could turn down her offer to help.

I can only wish that my beloved MIL (yes, some ARE beloved) could visit us for a week so I could turn down her offer to help. But she's unwell and lives in another country and is never going to be able to visit us in our home again. I would be delighted to wash every damn dish she used if she were here.

Being irritated over this (and you have not "let it go" no matter how much you claim you have) is so petty. If your in-laws are otherwise decent and non-toxic, raised a good son whom you love, have his back in the big things -- good grief, count that as a blessing. I don't know when our generation got so self-centered that we actually started worrying about these kinds of things. I would love to have your problem since it would mean I could actually interact with my in-laws or my mom.

[Anonymous]

If I invite you to my house, I do everything. If I go to your house I offer to help.

[Anonymous]

In my family, if you didn't help make dinner, you help do the dishes. So if my mom and I cook, my dad and husband do the dishes. My FIL, on the other hand, doesn't lift a finger, just watches his wife do the dishes, no matter where he is.

[Anonymous]

We had hired help, so no one needed to offer to help.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is annoying, but how many people do you truly need to help each night? Having 4 people crowding the kitchen and "helping" with clean up would drive me more crazy than just doing it myself with H. I'd rather we do it anyway because I know where things go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, that is annoying, but how many people do you truly need to help each night? Having 4 people crowding the kitchen and "helping" with clean up would drive me more crazy than just doing it myself with H. I'd rather we do it anyway because I know where things go.

BIL and SIL were only here one night.

I've said this before and I'll say it again, I don't need the help now, I needed it a few years ago when the kids were babies. I was raised in a household where you help or offer to help, so I still get surprised when she breezes by and ignores the kitchen.

And to the PP---I'm sorry for your loss. And I agree that perspective is nice and I'm truly grateful that my kids have 3 grandparents that love them, but are we not allowed to express displeasure at anything because someone has it worse? My boss is awful ( you shouldn't complain--at least you have a job). My kid is driving me crazy (don't complain--at least your child is alive). I never said this was my biggest problem, I was annoyed and asking how others worked and I've gotten good (and varying!) answers.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws always try to clean up when at my house, but I usually tell them no thanks. I'd rather they play with the kids and leave the mess until after the kids go to bed. Same with my parents, who actually spend nights here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL sounds annoying.

Yeah she kind of is. And then she's fine in other ways. She comes off as passive aggressive sometimes and sweet as pie others.

I guess a tandem question could be--if you're all heading out somewhere would your MIL help with getting your kids' shoes on? Again, not her job, but when dh asked her to help she said with a laugh "I already did my parenting time, now I get to be grandma" (meaning she doesn't have to help. And she wonders why we don't want to live closer! She really doesn't get it.

You are describing my H's mom to a Tee here. For the most part she really is a sweet lady and I know that I got pretty lucky compared to others but she also has this over-arching theme of "well, I don't want to intrude" that kind of just translates to "well, I'll just sit here and be served", but I try to remember that my family is just different and more the type to just start washing up dishes instead of waiting and asking, so my perspective is skewed. She also doesn't have any close ties to her own mom and sisters so she obviously sees my relationships as probably being "too much". So always 2 sides to the story.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the situation. If we are staying at the inlaw's lake house for the weekend, they don't butt in when dh or I say "we'll do the dishes." And I do the dishes and put them away and feel quite confident in my dish duty abilities.

But at their home, for a holiday or any other family dinner, it's really really difficult. I can't do it right, ever. I can never figure out their system. Dirty and clean dishes seem to be comingling on the same counter, so I don't know where to start. Some dishes go in the dishwasher, some don't, but there's no rhyme or reason to it (to me). If I bring in plates from the table and start to scrape the food into the trash, MIL tells me no, it should go in the disposal. But not always. If I ask, MIL says, just set them on the counter, I'll do it. So at this point I don't even try anymore. It's the worst because I can just feel them and SIL judging me as lazy and selfish...but really I'm just really bad at figuring out how to go about it!!

However, when I host, they usually help out. A lot. And refuse to go away when I tell them I'll do it.