You host family for dinner, who helps with the dishes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are staying with us this week. I'm cooking every night. Dinner is over and if my SIL is also here she helps. BIL sometimes helps and my dh always helps. Fil and mil barely even clear their plates. Mil brought one cup in from the table and left the last 3 cups on the table and went to read. I don't expect that everyone should help, but I'm just annoyed that mil especially doesn't even offer. When I ask myself why I care, I come up with two reasons. One because if I'm at anyone's house I always offer to help with the dishes no matter who it is. And two because she knows how tiring it is to raise young children.

My mother (who isn't here now) would help and she would probably tell me to sit down and not do it myself. At MILs house I always help cook and do the dishes, which she says she appreciates.

It's not important enough to me to talk to her about it (just important enough for me to post anonymously here) but I'm now curious what happens in other families.

Why aren't you annoyed at FIL too? Does his magical penis give him some sort of lifetime escape from dishwashing and clearing the table? Damn, I KNEW I should have had that sex change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your MIL sounds annoying.

Yeah she kind of is. And then she's fine in other ways. She comes off as passive aggressive sometimes and sweet as pie others.

I guess a tandem question could be--if you're all heading out somewhere would your MIL help with getting your kids' shoes on? Again, not her job, but when dh asked her to help she said with a laugh "I already did my parenting time, now I get to be grandma" (meaning she doesn't have to help. And she wonders why we don't want to live closer! She really doesn't get it.

Ok, MIL is right, she doesn't have to help out. But that also means you don't have to go out of your way to host her, to give her time with her kids, or to be a dutiful DIL. Life is generally a series of give and takes -- the more you give, the more is given back to you. She clearly has decided to opt out of the gift exchange...

[Anonymous]

If I hosted, I would do the dishes as well. This may not be equitable, but I hate my guests to do anything but enjoy.

For others I would say that it is nice of chores can be distributed. Especially if an older relative is hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are staying with us this week. I'm cooking every night. Dinner is over and if my SIL is also here she helps. BIL sometimes helps and my dh always helps. Fil and mil barely even clear their plates. Mil brought one cup in from the table and left the last 3 cups on the table and went to read. I don't expect that everyone should help, but I'm just annoyed that mil especially doesn't even offer. When I ask myself why I care, I come up with two reasons. One because if I'm at anyone's house I always offer to help with the dishes no matter who it is. And two because she knows how tiring it is to raise young children.

My mother (who isn't here now) would help and she would probably tell me to sit down and not do it myself. At MILs house I always help cook and do the dishes, which she says she appreciates.

It's not important enough to me to talk to her about it (just important enough for me to post anonymously here) but I'm now curious what happens in other families.

Why aren't you annoyed at FIL too? Does his magical penis give him some sort of lifetime escape from dishwashing and clearing the table? Damn, I KNEW I should have had that sex change!

Lol at magical penis!! I've never seen fil clear a dish in his own home, let alone wash one, so it would be absurd to them to even consider him helping out in the kitchen. Luckily his son turned out to be more helpful. I guess I'm not as annoyed at FIL because MIL has been through hosting with young kids before and knows that it can be tiring?

[Anonymous]

I guess I am cut of a different cloth, but I would never expect houeeguests to help with the dishes, in laws or not.

Hang out and visit we me or play with the kids while my husband and I clean up, but never do the houshold chores.

[Anonymous]

Oh my God. Get. Out. Of. My. Kitchen. Do not touch my wedding china except to eat off of it. You drop everything you touch and knock over everything else. I will pack up the leftovers and then I will do the dishes. You can spend more time with your son and grandchild...which means that you can ask for the TV to be turned on so you can watch your shows next to your son and grandchild. Please note, your son will happily turn on the TV for you since he doesn't really want to talk to you either. Your grandchild, on the other hand, would love to talk to you and play board games with you, but I know you can't be bothered.

[Anonymous]

OP said that MIL & FIL are staying with her for the week and not just over for one meal. I could see where some help with the dishes would be nice. Having to prepare and wash up for extra guests for a week would be lot of work. I wonder if OP has asked for help... maybe they mistakenly think that you do not want it.

When we have dinners at friend's, I usually ask if they need help with the washing up. One exception is at my MIL's. She is very untidy and her kitchen is a wreck. It's normal for her to have dirty dishes (including used dog bowls) in the sink and counter. She cleans up when there are no more counter space or no clean dishes left in the cupboard. I hate to admit it, but I hate volunteering to wash up, because I have to clean up couple of meals worth of dishes along with this meal.

[Anonymous]

Op again. Here to report that the last two days my mil has been much more helpful than ever before! Maybe she reads dcum? regardless, I've been grateful for her help because, yes, I've spent most of their time here in the kitchen!

[Anonymous]

We all chip in clearing stuff away, cooking, or cleaning. I am sure it's not equal but it's easier for the hosts to put things away since they know where stuff goes, and only so many people can be in the kitchen at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't expect or want people of my parents' generation to help clean up. They've done their time. Nor do I expect them to offer to help. It's my job now.

+1,000

And a reality check for you, OP:

I can only wish that my late mom were here so I could turn down her offer to help.

I can only wish that my beloved MIL (yes, some ARE beloved) could visit us for a week so I could turn down her offer to help. But she's unwell and lives in another country and is never going to be able to visit us in our home again. I would be delighted to wash every damn dish she used if she were here.

Being irritated over this (and you have not "let it go" no matter how much you claim you have) is so petty. If your in-laws are otherwise decent and non-toxic, raised a good son whom you love, have his back in the big things -- good grief, count that as a blessing. I don't know when our generation got so self-centered that we actually started worrying about these kinds of things. I would love to have your problem since it would mean I could actually interact with my in-laws or my mom.

Just because op's inlaws aren't dead or ill does not mean she doesn't have a right to feel the way she does. Stop trying to one up.

[Anonymous]

MIL thinks she's on vacation, it seems.