To: my sister in law

[Anonymous]

Op here. Glad others can relate? It sucks that there are so many selfish SIL’s, but yeah, I think there is something about this area.

Honest about every word. You don't have to believe me. I feel somewhat bad for my brother, I don’t think he realized that he married such a high maintenance and entitled woman. But it’s not my problem. I’ve done enough, and my sympathy's run out for both of them. I expect him to take his wifes “side," that’s the way it normally should be, but this is screwed up. He subtly complains, but I can't go along with it. I really miss spending time with nephew, but I don’t want to be a part of that kind of selfishness. It’s not worth being around people who really, truly, only see you for what you can do for them, and nothing more.

My brother is pretty good about acknowledging the past help - but SIL is silent and angry about me stopping. I know it’s just my word on the internet, but I’m definitely not jealous of her. After giving her the benefit of the doubt for so long, I’ve realized there’s not much to like about her at all - except her hair. I will admit she has nice hair.

I haven’t “confronted” her. I’m not sure what there is to confront - when you do a tremendous amount for someone and make all the effort, at some point they have to return the effort at least 5%. This isn’t a conversation you have a with an adult woman, it’s something you learn in kindergarten. If someone doesn’t realize that now, is there any point in discussing it with them? Would it really be productive? The rest of SIL’s family is awesome though, so I don’t know what went wrong. The rest of us lucked out in the IL department - DH is an only child, but his parents are basically happy hippies. My other brother’s wife is one of the kindest people I've met. Our sister died several years ago, but we still stay in touch with her partner at the time. She’s somewhat flakey sometimes, but has a heart of gold.

I’m not really dreading Christmas but I’ll maintain the short and quick niceties with SIL. I was the first to RSVP, so we get the better room this year. SIL will have to make do without the ensuite bathroom - she’ll probably complain, but I will not cater anymore. She’ll probably passive aggressively mope about not being able to eat much at dinner, but also not contribute anything to the meal. Thank goodness we stopped doing gifts for a adults a long time ago. And thank God for wine.

It is what it is.

I’m sorry for venting. The blinders are off, and my patience has really been worn thin. Hopefully she’ll wake up one day and realize that her behavior isn’t sustainable.
I’m so sorry for those of you that are in similar predicaments with a family member. It’s extremely frustrating.

[Anonymous]

So you won't confront her, but instead exchange niceties with her at Christmas after calling her a cunt in your original post? I am sure everyone in the room can smell your fakeness. You should have probably focused on your own marriage rather than trying to play the martyr (and possibly interfere) in your brother and SIL's life.

[Anonymous]

Are you the same OP as the one with the SIL with the dog with infected teeth?

You are both trying to see a nephew and sounds similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP as the one with the SIL with the dog with infected teeth?

You are both trying to see a nephew and sounds similar.

I agree that they do sound similar - condescending, arrogant and judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the same OP as the one with the SIL with the dog with infected teeth?

You are both trying to see a nephew and sounds similar.

Nope. definitely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and one more thing? Now your husband/my brother needs your PERMISSION to bring my nephew over and let him spend some time with his aunt? Just because I refused to do things for you anymore? You're fucking insane. You're a cunt.

I'm not your SIL, but ANYONE who would use the c" word or this or any other forum wouldn't be let near any of my kids any time. GO F yourself, misogynistic pig. SIL is right about you just because you're such an incredible sexist.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Is it possible that your SIL said to your DH that you were acting "bitchy", like maybe you were in a bad mood one day? Or did your DH say that your SIL definitely said the word "bitch"? Just wondering if maybe it could be a misunderstanding.

[Anonymous]

9:07 here. I meant your brother, not your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and one more thing? Now your husband/my brother needs your PERMISSION to bring my nephew over and let him spend some time with his aunt? Just because I refused to do things for you anymore? You're fucking insane. You're a cunt.

I[b]'m not your SIL, but ANYONE who would use the c" word or this or any other forum wouldn't be let near any of my kids any time. GO F yourself, misogynistic pig. SIL is right about you just because you're such an incredible sexist.[/b]

+1. OP sounds so self-righteous.

[Anonymous]

Could you write a letter to my SIL too? There is power when they have control over nieces and nephews...

[Anonymous]

I kind of think the opposite. I think those who are either of the entitled princess variety, or those who suspiciously eye others as “martyrs,” are envious of the ability of others to do the things they do. I agree that calling others “martyrs” is often an excuse for not only their own bad behavior, but to justify not trying. And by calling others “martyrs,” they actually have envy towards those that are capable of wanting to put forth greater effort to helping others, doing better, or whatever. Seeing others as martyrs obviously brings out some degree of insecurity. Otherwise, why do you care?

From OP’s post, I get the feeling that they’re ok with not getting recognition. But it’s something else entirely to call someone a bitch, after investing a lot of effort. There’s a difference between silence, and negativity. I’m also a do-er type of person. I don’t care about recognition, but it would definitely be extremely hurtful if someone complained about me not doing enough, or called me a bitch for not doing more. That really would point to a tremendous sense of entitlement. It seems like the calling of being a bitch (however appropriate or not it was for the brother to relay that message) would teeter a lot of people from neutrality over silence, into the “are you fucking kidding me?” category.

I’m always wary when people call others “martyrs.” It always seems like a distraction from their own inactivity. Or often, reflective of their own envy about others who step up to do more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, and one more thing? Now your husband/my brother needs your PERMISSION to bring my nephew over and let him spend some time with his aunt? Just because I refused to do things for you anymore? You're fucking insane. You're a cunt.

I'm not your SIL, but ANYONE who would use the c" word or this or any other forum wouldn't be let near any of my kids any time. GO F yourself, misogynistic pig. SIL is right about you just because you're such an incredible sexist.

Dramatic, much?

OP your SIL does sound like a royal cunt. Sometimes you gotta call it what it is. Like Sarah Palin (google it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I kind of think the opposite. I think those who are either of the entitled princess variety, or those who suspiciously eye others as “martyrs,” are envious of the ability of others to do the things they do. I agree that calling others “martyrs” is often an excuse for not only their own bad behavior, but to justify not trying. And by calling others “martyrs,” they actually have envy towards those that are capable of wanting to put forth greater effort to helping others, doing better, or whatever. Seeing others as martyrs obviously brings out some degree of insecurity. Otherwise, why do you care?

From OP’s post, I get the feeling that they’re ok with not getting recognition. But it’s something else entirely to call someone a bitch, after investing a lot of effort. There’s a difference between silence, and negativity. I’m also a do-er type of person. I don’t care about recognition, but it would definitely be extremely hurtful if someone complained about me not doing enough, or called me a bitch for not doing more. That really would point to a tremendous sense of entitlement. It seems like the calling of being a bitch (however appropriate or not it was for the brother to relay that message) would teeter a lot of people from neutrality over silence, into the “are you fucking kidding me?” category.

I’m always wary when people call others “martyrs.” It always seems like a distraction from their own inactivity. Or often, reflective of their own envy about others who step up to do more.

You lost me at "martyr."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t “confronted” her. I’m not sure what there is to confront - when you do a tremendous amount for someone and make all the effort, at some point they have to return the effort at least 5%. This isn’t a conversation you have a with an adult woman, it’s something you learn in kindergarten. If someone doesn’t realize that now, is there any point in discussing it with them? Would it really be productive? The rest of SIL’s family is awesome though, so I don’t know what went wrong. The rest of us lucked out in the IL department - DH is an only child, but his parents are basically happy hippies. My other brother’s wife is one of the kindest people I've met. Our sister died several years ago, but we still stay in touch with her partner at the time. She’s somewhat flakey sometimes, but has a heart of gold.

LOL, very true about common courtesy 101. Anyway, focus on the awesomeness of the rest of the family and how blessed you are in that regard. Do the best you can maintaining a relationship with your nephew. Also, let go of the anger and hurt in regards to SIL. Yes, it sucks all around but there is nothing you can do about it and what is the point of getting angry? Either your brother will start thinking of events where he brings the nephew to see his family while the wife gets some time to herself, or you do the best you can until the kids have an option to develop their own relationship with you.