To: my sister in law

[Anonymous]

I get it, too, OP. my SIL never Once, not once, thanked me for the hundreds of hours of free babysitting I did for my nephews. She'd resell the clothes I gave them (Osh Kosh B'Gosh is apparently too low class for her, even though she met my brother when she was in this country illegally and lacks a GED) and talk about me behind my back in Spanish. (I know enough to get by but will never let her know.) After my brother died, I discovered he had left me 50K in an old life insurance policy. I could have kept it for the kids myself but I gave it straight to her. I took off weeks from work when she had an operation to take care of the boys and have bought them memberships to the Y and sports seasons.

In lieu of thanks, she cancelled on attending my wedding 3 days prior to the ceremony (we had already paid for tux rentals for my nephews) and didn't even send a card when my child was born. But I can never express my rage toward her because my brother died and she controls my access to his kids, so she holds the cards. I suck it up and vent anonymously at her awfulness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by "it has come to my attention?" You heard this second-hand? Consider the source...

You're also a coward if you won't have this conversation with her (you might want to sanitize it first).

Also, for all your disclaimers about never speaking ill, if you had this much resentment built up that you just articulated, I'm sure your hostility showed in other ways. You may not be perceived as saintly as you mean to come across. Just saying.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you posted this here for you SIL to read?

Is SIL on DCUM? If not, what's the point?

No clue if she reads DCUM. I posted because sometimes you really just need to vent and let it all out.

I get it, OP. Good for you!

+1

I have a similar SIL. I totally get it. the total lack of awareness or appreciation is baffling sometimes.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an a$$hole. Good for you for cutting your services to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you posted this here for you SIL to read?

Is SIL on DCUM? If not, what's the point?

No clue if she reads DCUM. I posted because sometimes you really just need to vent and let it all out.

I get it, OP. Good for you!

I get it too.

[Anonymous]

OP, she sounds like a huge bitch. Please make sure to maintain that relationship with your brother so you can keep access to your nephew - he's going to need you!

[Anonymous]

OP, sorry to hear about your SIL. Mine are also huge bitches. The best advice I can give is to focus on yourself, your own kids, your own family and what makes you happy. You can't change the rest of it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry. I would kill for an SIL like you! But if you can, see if you can somehow stay on her good side without compromising yourself. Your brother and nephew can't walk away from her and need your support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I'm definitely not a saint. I absolutely have my flaws and imperfections, and sincerely never had any ill feelings towards my SIL. I figured she was just having a really hard time adapting (to motherhood, to her extended family, etc), and felt sympathy for her. I get that. But to call someone a bitch is also indicative of her resentment, for me cutting the cord. This was via my brother, when asked why he never brings my nephew over when I'm around and why I never hear from SIL anymore (despite me touching base occasionally). That I'm a bitch, because she knows I'm done doing things for her anymore. And that I never hear from her, because there's no reason to ask for things anymore.

Anyway. I'm glad I got it out. Her own family thinks she's an unappreciative snob. It is what it is.

Did you confront her, chew her out, or just start saying "Sorry, I can't take you to X on that day" whenever she called? Makes something of a difference; she still has NO excuse for calling you a bitch even if you did confront her, but if you did -- it would have possibly been better to just not take her calls. Which happened?

Meanwhile.... So your brother is doing exactly what demanding, controlling wife is telling him to do and keeping his son away from you? Where is HE in all this?

He's in for such a lovely life.

I bet he has conveniently forgotten the meals you cooked, the times you drove SIL places (he can take time off work next time she needs a ride), and so on. He's as much an ingrate as she is, if he has zero recognition for what you did and he also is caving to her whim. Granted, you are the aunt and not the parent, so you have no "right" to see your nephew, in my eyes, but your brother is being as much a jerk as his wife if he can't tell her, "My sister did X, Y and Z. I would have had to take vast time off work to drive you places and look after you the way sister did. You're being ungrateful and you are using OUR child to punish her, which I won't allow because you don't get sole rights over who our child does and doesn't see, just because you have decided you dislike the person who helped US out at a tough time."

Sure, he will choose wife over sister -- that is how things work, generally, and it's generally right -- but if I take what you say at face value, then your brother is to blame as much as SIL is, for letting her be an entitled princess and not calling her on it. Maybe he likes the entitled princess type. Hope he still likes it years from now when he's hauling her around and not seeing anyone in his family anymore after she burns through all of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you posted this here for you SIL to read?

Is SIL on DCUM? If not, what's the point?

No clue if she reads DCUM. I posted because sometimes you really just need to vent and let it all out.

I get it, OP. Good for you!

+1

I have a similar SIL. I totally get it. the total lack of awareness or appreciation is baffling sometimes.

+2 I could have written this exact same thing about my husband's sister. Down to the driving her around and lazying around doing nothing on the sofa but playing games on her phone, and zero appreciation for years of help. This area is a magnet for entitled princesses. Glad you cut the cord OP. I'm sorry you can't see your nephew, but toxic, selfish SIL's are not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by "it has come to my attention?" You heard this second-hand? Consider the source...

You're also a coward if you won't have this conversation with her (you might want to sanitize it first).

Also, for all your disclaimers about never speaking ill, if you had this much resentment built up that you just articulated, I'm sure your hostility showed in other ways. You may not be perceived as saintly as you mean to come across. Just saying.

Yes, this. OP sounds like somebody who has been feeling like a saintly martyr all along, just chomping at the bit for an opportunity to rip the sil to shreds while extolling her own virtues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by "it has come to my attention?" You heard this second-hand? Consider the source...

You're also a coward if you won't have this conversation with her (you might want to sanitize it first).

Also, for all your disclaimers about never speaking ill, if you had this much resentment built up that you just articulated, I'm sure your hostility showed in other ways. You may not be perceived as saintly as you mean to come across. Just saying

Yes, this. OP sounds like somebody who has been feeling like a saintly martyr all along, just chomping at the bit for an opportunity to rip the sil to shreds while extolling her own virtues.

Not OP, but I think people who call other people "martyrs," are just trying to find ways to justify or excuse their bad behavior. Doesn't sound like OP is asking for much, except a little acknowledgment and giveback. That's not being a martyr - that's part of being a normal, decent, human being at its most elementary and basic level. All human relationships work on a little bit of an exchange. That's humanity 101.

[Anonymous]

It's hard for me to believe that this Mother Teresa of SILs would be a nanny, cook, driver, night nurse, etc. for months on end with absolutely no acknowledgement or gratitude from either SIL or OP's brother. If the SIL did ring up the OP for help, it would have been more polite and appropriate to say "sorry SIL, I can't help you out this time, but I wish you well in trying to find help" instead of harbouring all this hostility and resentment towards SIL. I agree with the previous poster that said OP was waiting for an opportunity to rip SIL to shreds.

Also, sometimes a sibling may lay authority on a spouse for decisions as a cop-out, when the sibling themselves want nothing to do with their own family member. I know because my own brother does it all the time. OP's brother would have allowed the OP to see her nephew if he really wanted to, regardless of his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean by "it has come to my attention?" You heard this second-hand? Consider the source...

You're also a coward if you won't have this conversation with her (you might want to sanitize it first).

Also, for all your disclaimers about never speaking ill, if you had this much resentment built up that you just articulated, I'm sure your hostility showed in other ways. You may not be perceived as saintly as you mean to come across. Just saying

Yes, this. OP sounds like somebody who has been feeling like a saintly martyr all along, just chomping at the bit for an opportunity to rip the sil to shreds while extolling her own virtues.

Not OP, but I think people who call other people "martyrs," are just trying to find ways to justify or excuse their bad behavior. Doesn't sound like OP is asking for much, except a little acknowledgment and giveback. That's not being a martyr - that's part of being a normal, decent, human being at its most elementary and basic level. All human relationships work on a little bit of an exchange. That's humanity 101.

PP here. I came to this conclusion because she posted a really long and irate rant based on one incident of being called a bitch. I agree with pp that she probably wasn't behaving as perfectly as she describes (whether in denial or what, not sure), so something else is a factor here. I'm not justifying the sil. I'm commenting on the way OP was so quick to snap...there must have been a lot of resentment building up over time for her to react so harshly. And when people continue doing something they resent, I think that's kind of teetering towards martyrdom.

[Anonymous]

OP's brother does not acknowledge kindness to sister, and no anger is directed to him. SIL does not acknowledge kindness and she gets chewed out and all verbal insults are directed at her. It seems like OP may be jealous of her SIL.