To the men - I am so sick of being the maid

[Anonymous]

Make a list of everything that needs to get done around the house during the week. Tell him he needs to share the chores with you equally. He picks a chore, you pick a chore, etc. until they are divided. If he is unwilling to do that, then someone gets hired to do it all. Tell him it is non-negotiable. Stand up for yourself. This is particularly important for your kids to see --both boys and girls need to see that daddies as well as mommies can and should keep house.

Most importantly, raise your sons to clean up after themselves!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a man thing. My DH does more around the house than I do.

how the hell lazy are you that your DH does more than you do? Does he work full time and run marathons, too, while you dream away your days?

Huh? Why the anger, crazy? We both work full time. I handle all the finances, baby stuff, paperwork etc. He does dishes, cleaning, garbage. Ok by you, psycho?

This just made me guffaw!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a list of everything that needs to get done around the house during the week. Tell him he needs to share the chores with you equally. He picks a chore, you pick a chore, etc. until they are divided. If he is unwilling to do that, then someone gets hired to do it all. Tell him it is non-negotiable. Stand up for yourself. This is particularly important for your kids to see --both boys and girls need to see that daddies as well as mommies can and should keep house.

Most importantly, raise your sons to clean up after themselves!

+1 for the list part, if you have not already done so. Just writing it down will make him realize the enormity of the situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't clear to me why you used plural of "man" in your subject line.

You have an issue with your lazy husband. Instead of prattling on about it here, why not have a conversation with him?

Few men behave this way.

I disagree, most I know do, including my husband.

You don't know a lot of MEN, including your husband. You know boys. Not our fault if you chose to marry a boy. My husband is a man, and respects me and our house and pulls his fair share. I respect him by doing the same.

Agreed. You did this by not setting boundaries a long time ago.

[Anonymous]

SAHM here.
I left my job to stay with my kids. Not to do house work though, because it is endless and mind-numbingly boring for me. So DH asked me to get a maid to come to the house. Once in 2 weeks. That did not cut it, so it was once a week. House was still messy - so it was twice a week. Then it was two maids, twice a week. Then it was two maids + me - twice a week. Dang, the house was still messy. Plus the maids were unreliable.

Then - epiphany! I would need maids to come twice a day to clean the house because we are cooking and eating and bathing and sleeping - more than twice a week. So in the end - maids are out. And kids and DH are pitching in some. The house is fairly clean or as messy as when the maids were coming. The difference is that now I am paying myself all that money - and spending it on myself. Regardless of if I have earned that dough or not.

Truth of the matter is - everyone hates to do housework. Do NOT make it about a DH/DW issue. If the entire family can contribute - great. If not clean only what you want to clean.
.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not a man thing. My DH does more around the house than I do.

how the hell lazy are you that your DH does more than you do? Does he work full time and run marathons, too, while you dream away your days?

Huh? Why the anger, crazy? We both work full time. I handle all the finances, baby stuff, paperwork etc. He does dishes, cleaning, garbage. Ok by you, psycho?

I'm sad that you are married, because I think I love you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading posts like yours really pisses me off. So many men - not all, but it seems more men than women - have mastered the art of taking advantage of their spouse, doing the bare minimum knowing that their spouse will pick up the slack and they can reap the benefits without putting in the work. It's freeloading, pure and simple.

I don't know what to tell you OP. I highly suggest that you NOT become a SAHM to solve this problem because I don't think it will. It will probably only make it worse, and what little your DH is now doing he will feel like he can dump it on you since you are home all day, and you will resent him more. I think the housecleaning service suggestion is a good one.

Is there anything that is important to him that you can just stop doing?

You can complain about your situation, but stop this nonsense of about men not doing their share of housework. It's just not true anymore.

I've been doing most of the laundry, dishes, housecleaning and yard work, plus repairs and major renovations for nearly 15 years. Oh yeah, I also work, and I take our older kid to all of the weekend activities. If I didn't handle the chores, our house would be a dire mess. My wife grew up in a family that didn't really clean their house, so that stuff never rubbed off on her. In fact, my MIL recently lived in an apartment for five years and NOT ONCE cleaned her own bathroom. I know, because I went to use it once and nearly threw up.

I knew all of this about my wife going into marriage. We lived together when we were dating, so I knew what I was getting into. It doesn't bother me, or else I'd make a change. I can always hire a cleaning lady. Besides, the kids are old enough to help out more and start doing heavy chores.

I forgot to mention - I do all of the cooking, or else I'd starve. My dad also did all of the cooking for the same reason. The guys on my street do half - if not more - of the housework/yard work and cooking. I only know one guy who's a total dick and doesn't lift a finger at home. He still calls housework WW (women's work).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that motherhood would result in me becoming the maid to everyone, including my DH! I'm talking about all the housework and cleaning up after everyone. Kids are still little but I am training them. But DH has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. He makes me feel guilty if I complain. DH works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home but don't make as munch $ as he does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. He gets to decompress from his "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) while I do everything. Same story on the weekends (but he does yard work which I am convinced he actually enjoys). The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DH with this unfairness?

So some experience in same boat. First off, I am the DH. I am the "maid," or whatever you want to call it. But there has to be a way to come to middle ground. Second, using the fact that he likes yard work as point of argument, is quite frankly, immature and senseless. So you're saying if he hated it, that means its more equitable? That means if you liked doing maid work around the house, it doesnt count? Of course it does. So leave it.

You have to express to him that you cant be made to feel guilty if you complain, and second you have as much right to decompress and enjoy life as he supposedly does. That means either you both start doing housework or there is hired help.

Simple as that. Oh, wait, "but I cant afford housecleaners!" Tell me that, and I will tell you that he has then put up with a messier home. period.

Earning money shouldnt equate to more votes in household. Easy thing to believe, but that thinking in itself will ruin a marriage, not the messy home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It isn't clear to me why you used plural of "man" in your subject line.

You have an issue with your lazy husband. Instead of prattling on about it here, why not have a conversation with him?

Few men behave this way.

I disagree, most I know do, including my husband.

You don't know a lot of MEN, including your husband. You know boys. Not our fault if you chose to marry a boy. My husband is a man, and respects me and our house and pulls his fair share. I respect him by doing the same.

Agreed. You did this by not setting boundaries a long time ago.

You must have loads of friends. Nice advice.

[Anonymous]

No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Good try - but I do. But I'm not a woman so I have no right to complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SAHM here.
I left my job to stay with my kids. Not to do house work though, because it is endless and mind-numbingly boring for me. So DH asked me to get a maid to come to the house. Once in 2 weeks. That did not cut it, so it was once a week. House was still messy - so it was twice a week. Then it was two maids, twice a week. Then it was two maids + me - twice a week. Dang, the house was still messy. Plus the maids were unreliable.

Then - epiphany! I would need maids to come twice a day to clean the house because we are cooking and eating and bathing and sleeping - more than twice a week. So in the end - maids are out. And kids and DH are pitching in some. The house is fairly clean or as messy as when the maids were coming. The difference is that now I am paying myself all that money - and spending it on myself. Regardless of if I have earned that dough or not.

Truth of the matter is - everyone hates to do housework. Do NOT make it about a DH/DW issue. If the entire family can contribute - great. If not clean only what you want to clean.
.

Darling. Part of the job description of SAHM is "homemaker" which means you keep your workspace clean. Don't be one of those SAHM women who think their jobs consist only of child care. It doesn't. You don't get to pick and choose the menial labor there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Oh, I get it. You are the type of DW who keeps a score card. You are also the type of DW who attibutes value to the household tasks, and of course, the stuff you do is more valuable. I used to be like you until I realized that the stuff my DH did, although not as "frequent" was equally demanding and important as the stuff I did. And by keeping score, I was setting up a dynamic where we were in competition and not working together. I was playing vicitm although he was doing plenty.

[Anonymous]

First, get a housekeeper.

Second, have you considered/are you able to go PT?

Third, stop doing his laundry. He is an adult.