To the men - I am so sick of being the maid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Oh, I get it. You are the type of DW who keeps a score card. You are also the type of DW who attibutes value to the household tasks, and of course, the stuff you do is more valuable. I used to be like you until I realized that the stuff my DH did, although not as "frequent" was equally demanding and important as the stuff I did. And by keeping score, I was setting up a dynamic where we were in competition and not working together. I was playing vicitm although he was doing plenty.

Totally. OP gave away the game when she claimed that her DH "enjoys" yard work -- that's the kind of thing you only say if you are invested in believing your spouse isn't pulling their weight, facts be damned. She probably also thinks maintaining the home computer is his "hobby" which should get scored in his leisure time rather than as a chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Oh, I get it. You are the type of DW who keeps a score card. You are also the type of DW who attibutes value to the household tasks, and of course, the stuff you do is more valuable. I used to be like you until I realized that the stuff my DH did, although not as "frequent" was equally demanding and important as the stuff I did. And by keeping score, I was setting up a dynamic where we were in competition and not working together. I was playing vicitm although he was doing plenty.

Totally. OP gave away the game when she claimed that her DH "enjoys" yard work -- that's the kind of thing you only say if you are invested in believing your spouse isn't pulling their weight, facts be damned. She probably also thinks maintaining the home computer is his "hobby" which should get scored in his leisure time rather than as a chore.

Yup. My DH is a "car person" through and through. He loves cars. He does ALL of the routine work on both of our vehicles. It is a necessary service, saves us $$ and it is hard work. Should he get any less credit for the work because he likes cars? Of course not! A chore is a chore. Let me tell you I realize how important it is when I am taking the kids to school in a nice maintained vehicle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Oh, I get it. You are the type of DW who keeps a score card. You are also the type of DW who attibutes value to the household tasks, and of course, the stuff you do is more valuable. I used to be like you until I realized that the stuff my DH did, although not as "frequent" was equally demanding and important as the stuff I did. And by keeping score, I was setting up a dynamic where we were in competition and not working together. I was playing vicitm although he was doing plenty.

Nope. I'm just a DW that does both jobs. The handyman stuff can be frustrating, but it's not as mind numbing and relentless as the other chores that never stop. You wash clothes...dishes...cook food...the job isn't done. There's always more. Not keeping score, not angry, just stating a fact as I see it. You seem cranky today, hope all is well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one ever told me that fatherhood would result in me becoming the handyman to everyone, including my DW! I'm talking about all the yard work, building additions, maintaining the cars, bikes, computers and generally keeping the house and all related things from falling into disrepair. Kids are older now, but I am coaching them in all their sports. DW has found a sweet spot and gotten used to this lifestyle. She makes me feel guilty if I complain. DW works so hard, blah blah blah. I also work hard outside the home and I make much more $ than she does. So, we have become stuck in this lifestyle. She gets to decompress from her "hard day" (mine was harder, guaranteed) by cooking dinner and cleaning the house, which I am convinced she enjoys and then going to yoga. The question is, how do I change this nonsense without destroying my marriage? I think the whole thing is BS for me and I am sick of it. How do I approach my DW with this unfairness?

Lol. Nice try, but you obviously don't do too much around the house. "handyman stuff" is far less frequent and demanding than general cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. that is never ending. There is no comparison.

Oh, I get it. You are the type of DW who keeps a score card. You are also the type of DW who attibutes value to the household tasks, and of course, the stuff you do is more valuable. I used to be like you until I realized that the stuff my DH did, although not as "frequent" was equally demanding and important as the stuff I did. And by keeping score, I was setting up a dynamic where we were in competition and not working together. I was playing vicitm although he was doing plenty.

Nope. I'm just a DW that does both jobs. The handyman stuff can be frustrating, but it's not as mind numbing and relentless as the other chores that never stop. You wash clothes...dishes...cook food...the job isn't done. There's always more. Not keeping score, not angry, just stating a fact as I see it. You seem cranky today, hope all is well.

Nope not cranky at all. I just know the danger to a marriage of one spouse getting in the habit of diminishing and undervaluing the contributions of the other spouse. It is a recipe for resentment on both sides. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Pp above. Not sure what btdt means, but I'll agree with your point. I'm the pp you were responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp above. Not sure what btdt means, but I'll agree with your point. I'm the pp you were responding to.

BTDT = Been there done that.

[Anonymous]

DW won't let me help. She wants the house vacuumed a certain way. The laundry done a certain way. Wants the dishes rinsed a certain way before they are put in the dishwasher. I try but she gets annoyed if I start cleaning. Just have to keep my clutter picked up -- so she can clean.

[Anonymous]

I just read a thread in the explicit forum that women find a man who helps with mundane tasks decidedly "unsexy" and "un-masculine". Ironing, for example, might be a clear indication of latent homosexuality.

Perhaps people's expectations are unclear, then come out as anger, and then don't get an understanding audience.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps OP would prefer her husband simply not come home, and thus make the place cleaner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read a thread in the explicit forum that women find a man who helps with mundane tasks decidedly "unsexy" and "un-masculine". Ironing, for example, might be a clear indication of latent homosexuality.

Perhaps people's expectations are unclear, then come out as anger, and then don't get an understanding audience.

Actually that is not what was said, that is what you inferred.

It does not get women WET to watch her DH iron or do laundry. Don't you think that every man in America who is languishing in a sexual death bead would not just pick up an iron each night in order to get laid?

A recent study showed actually quite the opposite:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-who-do-housework-have-less-sex

[Anonymous]

Why is it just men that get blamed for being lazy and expecting the wife to pick up the slack? My wife does literally nothing around the house. She cooks and does laundry whenever she runs out of underwear but that's about it. We live under a pile if her clothes. The kids rooms are a mess unless I pick them up, and I spend most of my time cleaning up the mess she leaves behind in the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Maybe a compromise OP?

Would he be willing to pay for a housekeeper?