How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

PP here. The difference is not by much. He makes 55K and I make 60K.

He is always saying that I make more but that is not the real issue. The real issue is his spending habits. For example when I was pregnant with DS #1 he rushed out to buy a brand new car with $500 per month car payments. I had tried to explain to him that wouldnt be the smartest move bc we had a baby on the way, we would have to pay for daycare, diapers, wipes, etc. An added $500 car payment plus day care payment would be a complete shock to his take home pay. I instead suggested that he wait a few more months save up some cash and buyer a cheaper used car. Of course he didnt listen and ever since he got that damn car 2 years ago he's been sruggling to meet his half of the bills.

I'm very frugal, drive my 10 year old paid off car and generally do a good job of saving.

To be honest it's sort of made me resentful that I've been so scared of spending any of my discretionary income because I know that I cannot depend on him to make sound financial decisions. It's made me resentful that I'm paying for DS health insurance. It's made me resentful that I buy all of DS's clothes and toys.It's made me resentful that I buy most of DS's food.

Some months when I ak DH for his portion of the household payment he needs me to pay the money up front and then he sometimes gives it to me later. Sometimes he will flat out say look I dont have any more money until my next paycheck in 15 days.

So, by default I'm already paying more into our household. I mean it's for the greater good, right? Plus I'm not about to let my child go hungry or unclothed because DH is not able to contribute equally due to his money mismanagement issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

Wow, I was going to highlight that too. What a terrible way to run a marriage. Either ALL money should go into the common pot, or expenses should definitely be proportionally split. This comment practically deserves its own thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

Wow, I was going to highlight that too. What a terrible way to run a marriage. Either ALL money should go into the common pot, or expenses should definitely be proportionally split. This comment practically deserves its own thread!

Read 10:22 the pp just responded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

Wow, I was going to highlight that too. What a terrible way to run a marriage. Either ALL money should go into the common pot, or expenses should definitely be proportionally split. This comment practically deserves its own thread!

After reading pp's update it sounds like it's not a huge differecnce. Pp only makes $5000 more than her DH but DH has a money management issue and is not able to meet basic expenses.

[Anonymous]

I think that you need to step up and do your part here. Making everything fair doesn't mean that you do 1/2 of the doctor's appointments and your husband does the other 1/2. It means that overall you both do what needs to be done, this include work at your job, work around the house, taking kids to the doctors, and such. If your husband's job requires longer hours at work and is less flexible you have to step up to do your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

PP here. The difference is not by much. He makes 55K and I make 60K.

He is always saying that I make more but that is not the real issue. The real issue is his spending habits. For example when I was pregnant with DS #1 he rushed out to buy a brand new car with $500 per month car payments. I had tried to explain to him that wouldnt be the smartest move bc we had a baby on the way, we would have to pay for daycare, diapers, wipes, etc. An added $500 car payment plus day care payment would be a complete shock to his take home pay. I instead suggested that he wait a few more months save up some cash and buyer a cheaper used car. Of course he didnt listen and ever since he got that damn car 2 years ago he's been sruggling to meet his half of the bills.

I'm very frugal, drive my 10 year old paid off car and generally do a good job of saving.

To be honest it's sort of made me resentful that I've been so scared of spending any of my discretionary income because I know that I cannot depend on him to make sound financial decisions. It's made me resentful that I'm paying for DS health insurance. It's made me resentful that I buy all of DS's clothes and toys.It's made me resentful that I buy most of DS's food.

Some months when I ak DH for his portion of the household payment he needs me to pay the money up front and then he sometimes gives it to me later. Sometimes he will flat out say look I dont have any more money until my next paycheck in 15 days.

So, by default I'm already paying more into our household. I mean it's for the greater good, right? Plus I'm not about to let my child go hungry or unclothed because DH is not able to contribute equally due to his money mismanagement issues.

OP, I feel for you. That would really piss me off. You and your DH need to get on the same page financially. You need to think of ALL the money as family money, NONE of the money is "yours" or "his" (except maybe a TINY bit of discretionary money each month.) Something like a new car needs to be approved by BOTH spouses. That is B.S. Seriously, if you guys can't get on the same page money wise, you might need to see a marriage counselor. There is no way that is healthy.

[Anonymous]

And a $500/month carpayment on $115k in salary with 2 in daycare is downright irresponsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that you need to step up and do your part here. Making everything fair doesn't mean that you do 1/2 of the doctor's appointments and your husband does the other 1/2. It means that overall you both do what needs to be done, this include work at your job, work around the house, taking kids to the doctors, and such. If your husband's job requires longer hours at work and is less flexible you have to step up to do your part.

Not op but at what point do you say enough is enough? At one point does it become a matter of one parent focusing solely on work while pushing all other household and childcare responsibilites on the other parent?

That's what seems to be happening here the balance of power has tilted and op is getting stuck with working her full time job plus everything else. She has had to step up by default and what point does she say enough! You need to carry your weight!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, no idea why people are being so mean about this question. Sounds like a very legitimate issue to me.

OP, losing a teleworking day and adding a lot of unpredictable evening commitments - plus logging back on at night - is a HUGE change. Especially for no more money! Did you guys talk about this together before he decided to take the promotion? I agree with the PP above who laid out the three options - a less time consuming job for DH; you take up slack; or you hire out.

OP here. It's a little more money- $10k, actually. If it matters (and I don't think it does, b/c we have all joint accounts), he now makes $25k more than I do.

It's a long story, but the gist is that DH had been doing this job in an acting capacity for a year prior to just getting the promotion. So, he'd been doing the extra hours, etc. but for no additional pay already. He didn't have a choice, per se- the director retired and they told him he was acting. The difference before was then he was doing his old job plus the director's job, which is what we thought contributed to him having to do work at home. Now, he's fully realizing how much work his old boss actually was doing, which I suppose is on him for not really understanding what goes into it!

As I said, I'm lucky my job has been so flexible, but at some point, I'm afraid they will start pushing back. If that happens, I guess it'll be time to find a new job or reevaluate things in general. What makes it less predictable is that DS will be fine for awhile, and then get sick in spurts.

But, I'm grateful that his issues are not too debilitating and that I have some flexibility. Really, I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

PP here. The difference is not by much. He makes 55K and I make 60K.

He is always saying that I make more but that is not the real issue. The real issue is his spending habits. For example when I was pregnant with DS #1 he rushed out to buy a brand new car with $500 per month car payments. I had tried to explain to him that wouldnt be the smartest move bc we had a baby on the way, we would have to pay for daycare, diapers, wipes, etc. An added $500 car payment plus day care payment would be a complete shock to his take home pay. I instead suggested that he wait a few more months save up some cash and buyer a cheaper used car. Of course he didnt listen and ever since he got that damn car 2 years ago he's been sruggling to meet his half of the bills.

I'm very frugal, drive my 10 year old paid off car and generally do a good job of saving.

To be honest it's sort of made me resentful that I've been so scared of spending any of my discretionary income because I know that I cannot depend on him to make sound financial decisions. It's made me resentful that I'm paying for DS health insurance. It's made me resentful that I buy all of DS's clothes and toys.It's made me resentful that I buy most of DS's food.

Some months when I ak DH for his portion of the household payment he needs me to pay the money up front and then he sometimes gives it to me later. Sometimes he will flat out say look I dont have any more money until my next paycheck in 15 days.

So, by default I'm already paying more into our household. I mean it's for the greater good, right? Plus I'm not about to let my child go hungry or unclothed because DH is not able to contribute equally due to his money mismanagement issues.

OP, I feel for you. That would really piss me off. You and your DH need to get on the same page financially. You need to think of ALL the money as family money, NONE of the money is "yours" or "his" (except maybe a TINY bit of discretionary money each month.) Something like a new car needs to be approved by BOTH spouses. That is B.S. Seriously, if you guys can't get on the same page money wise, you might need to see a marriage counselor. There is no way that is healthy.

OP here- just to be clear, PP, the person you're quoting isn't me We have joint accounts and think of any income as OUR money. But good luck to that person- that really is a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

I am also a big believer in fairness. In this case, I would suck it up for the reasons you state, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP- back to your original gripe - here's what we do: I handle all the "surprise" medical/school visits etc. But my DH, with a less flexible job, takes off days for the planned stuff. He handles the dentist appts, and then pairs that with home improvement stuff, so his whole day is full of family-helping activities.

Could you do something like that?

[Anonymous]

Just suck it up and deal with the additional medical appointments.

My job is more flexible than DH's and less hours. I do 96% drop off, pick up, doctor's appts, meals, clean up, bedtime, etc. The other 4% is once a quarter that I have to put in a very late night in the office.

It sucks but life isn't fair. You and your DH are on the same team so you have to think what makes the most sense for your collective situation and go with that. To me, losing 2hrs is a lot better than losing half a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

I also thought it was surprising to see someone describing what appears to be a strict 50/50 split on finances while also maintaining that everything will not be split exactly down the middle, although it may be more to it than was conveyed in a short paragraph.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

+1 to to everything above and especially the bolded.

DS is 2. DH works less hours than I do and 5 minutes from our home whereas I work longer hours and have to commute into DC everday.

DH does day care drop off and pick up plus most doctor's appointments. I know that he's resentful bc he's mentioned it before but this is the set up that we've always had from the beginning. It did not suddenly morph into this.

I've told him I have no problem doing daycare drop off but it does mean that we will have to drop off at 2.5 hours early which means we will have to pay for an extra 12.5 hours of day care per week. I'm fine with paying more but DH is not because he gets paid less than I do and is already struggling to put in his half of the household payments. We also have a brand new baby who will start day care soon which will effectively double our daycare payments.

It's going to be very difficult in any situation for things to be split EXACTLY down the middle. I think it's best to take a look at the common good of the household when these kinds of decisions need to be made.

PP... I feel badly for your husband! Do you really split the expenses evenly in half despite having different incomes? I thought most couples put income in a common pot that expenses then come out of... I think your husband might be resenting more than doing more of the drop-offs and appointments! I would if I were him.

I also thought it was surprising to see someone describing what appears to be a strict 50/50 split on finances while also maintaining that everything will not be split exactly down the middle, although it may be more to it than was conveyed in a short paragraph.

Ugh, just saw your follow up post. That sounds really frustrating. I would insist on a 50/50 split, too, if. Y spouse was being such a doing about financial decisions.