How to handle marriage where kid duty for medical appts is very uneven?

[Anonymous]

Let me preface this by saying that my husband is a very equal partner in marriage, household duties, and previously, child care responsibilities.

We have 2 kids- 3 and 5. The 3 year old has some medical issues which require lots of dr's appts when he's having a flare up, and then other periods of being relatively doctor-free. The 5 year old is typical- sees the dentist twice a year, pediatrician once a year, and then the random infrequent appts here and there as needed.

I telework 50%; we both work downtown otherwise with about an hour commute via public transportation. All of DS' specialists are in NOVA, not downtown. DH recently got a promotion at work that requires a lot more after-hours work and takes away his one day a week telework day. He works in a field where he really can't be guaranteed availability to take time off for the kids' medical appts, especially ones that pop up unexpectedly (which is the nature of our son's medical issues). So, the multitude of dr's appts have fallen to me. Rationally, I know it makes sense- there's a good chance I'll be teleworking and it makes more sense for me to only have to take 2 hours of sick leave vs. DH taking half a day when you factor in commuting home during non-rush hour, if he can even take the time off.

I'm starting to get slightly resentful because I'm now the default person for dr's appts. I'm fortunate that my job is fairly flexible and I haven't been told no yet, but who knows how long that will last. Any words of advice in how to not let this get to me? I know there are people who have to do everything themselves, and I understand I'm lucky in that I have a partner. The balance is definitely shifting, though, and I'm just wondering if I should accept it as the new norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me preface this by saying that my husband is a very equal partner in marriage, household duties, and previously, child care responsibilities.

We have 2 kids- 3 and 5. The 3 year old has some medical issues which require lots of dr's appts when he's having a flare up, and then other periods of being relatively doctor-free. The 5 year old is typical- sees the dentist twice a year, pediatrician once a year, and then the random infrequent appts here and there as needed.

I telework 50%; we both work downtown otherwise with about an hour commute via public transportation. All of DS' specialists are in NOVA, not downtown. DH recently got a promotion at work that requires a lot more after-hours work and takes away his one day a week telework day. He works in a field where he really can't be guaranteed availability to take time off for the kids' medical appts, especially ones that pop up unexpectedly (which is the nature of our son's medical issues). So, the multitude of dr's appts have fallen to me. Rationally, I know it makes sense- there's a good chance I'll be teleworking and it makes more sense for me to only have to take 2 hours of sick leave vs. DH taking half a day when you factor in commuting home during non-rush hour, if he can even take the time off.

I'm starting to get slightly resentful because I'm now the default person for dr's appts. I'm fortunate that my job is fairly flexible and I haven't been told no yet, but who knows how long that will last. Any words of advice in how to not let this get to me? I know there are people who have to do everything themselves, and I understand I'm lucky in that I have a partner. The balance is definitely shifting, though, and I'm just wondering if I should accept it as the new norm.

Employers are never going to change if employees don't push back on these policies. Your husband needs to step up.

[Anonymous]

I think you should accept it. My husband's job has a lot more flexibility than mine. He takes DS to almost all of his doctor's appointments. We cannot change the expectations of our respective jobs, and the market is not good to be looking for new jobs. Whenever I can, I take off to try to do a few appointments, but it isn't possible for me to do the majority of them. It is possible for DH to do so. Not everything will be equal, that is the reality of life.

[Anonymous]

That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.

[Anonymous]

If your positions were reversed (your husband had your schedule and you had his), do you think he would assume responsibility for the med appointments? Your answer to that question might answer your larger question.

My feeling (as someone who telecommutes full time and has a lot more flexibility than DH) is that sometimes what makes the most sense isn't always the most "fair". Most days off/sick days/dr appointments are on me, because it's just easier that way. Fair? Maybe not. But that's how the partnership breaks down.

[Anonymous]

It's probably better to have one person going consistently to ask and answer questions anyhow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's life. Things are never going to be split down the middle.

Yes, get over it. You are creating one more problem for yourself. Be grateful that you have that flexibility. (Or outsource a babysitter or family member to take your kid to the doctor's appointments.)

[Anonymous]

I have much more flexibility in my job so I do most doctor appointments. DH handles daycare pick up everyday and usually does weekend activities like gymnastics and soccer. It works out but as a PP noted, it's not exactly 50/50.

[Anonymous]

I'm a stickler for fairness, probably to a fault, but I don't mind the doc appointment thing. If he has to use leave and I can just work through lunch, I'd rather just do it myself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I think what might be driving my resentment some isn't just the appts, but also that now every night, as soon as DH gets home, he logs back on (gets off for dinner, bath, and bed) and is on until 11.30 each night. All the stuff we used to share- cleaning up, getting kids' lunches and items prepped for the next day, etc.- usually falls on me now.

I agree that he should push back and say enough is enough at work, but...his job is the type where that means he's canceling meetings with Assistant Secretaries, Congressional members, etc. He should be able to, but in practice, it just wouldn't fly. Hopefully as things settle into place, he can start delegating responsibilities.

We have no family here to help out and I would not necessarily want a babysitter taking DS to his specialist appts anyway.

[Anonymous]

Things can't be fair and you can't keep score. You need to focus on the greater good of the family.

[Anonymous]

First world problems

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First world problems

OP here. I agree, first world problem. Still, doesn't mean I can't ask for advice, no?

[Anonymous]

Really OP? Sounds like you have a very engaged DH and you should be embarrassed to even let this bother you enough to post it on DCUM.

Stop being selfish and childish and grow up. I am sure that eventually there will be a shift where your DH is going to "unfairly carry" more on his shoulders than you will. get over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a stickler for fairness, probably to a fault, but I don't mind the doc appointment thing. If he has to use leave and I can just work through lunch, I'd rather just do it myself.

Ugh. I hate people who keep score in a relationship.