Siblings with very different financial situations

[Anonymous]

No one's mentioned the saying about not counting other people's money LOL. I've seen that destroy families and friendships.

I have relatives who are wealthy, some who are poor, and I'm kinda in the middle along with most of the family, middle class, we are doing fine but do not have $$$ to splurge on going to Europe, etc. It's ok. If someone is wealthy more power to them and I don't expect anything from their wealth. If they are snotty and bitchy about it I'd avoid 'em of course.

[Anonymous]

Hi was in a very similar situation but with my sister. She is married to a very very wealthy man, the top 1% kind of wealthy. For the first few years I was insanely jealous of the multiple houses, the cars, trips, her designer wardrobe,etc....but after a while she confided in me that though she loves her husband she wasn't totally happy and she actually went into a depression. Money does not buy happiness is my point. She had a rough couple of years but after therapy and meds, shes doing much better. She has all the things people think they need and want but what she really wanted was her husband to be around more and to have a simpler life, they always have people working in their homes and always jetting off here and there and with his job, they literally are out 4-5 nights a week. She looked at me one day and said "i am actually jealous of you and your life". I am a graphic designer, my husband owns a small construction company so we live a typical middle class life and this took me by surprise.

So OP this is my long winded way of saying though to you he might be struggling he might actually still be really happy. I think you sound kind though and just have his best interest at heart. Offer him the tickets but he is adamant about not taking you up, let it go. Enjoy the wedding!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound really annoying. First of all, your husband is rich and successful. From what I can tell your "home based business" is just a way to keep you occupied. Your "he's so talented" smugness is just unbearable.

Your brother sounds like he's doing what he needs to do and his wife is a teacher, not a prostitute. They are doing fine.

You seem to think it is more awkward than your brother does. If you are literally oozing money I agree with the other posters that you could gift it to your nieces' and nephews' 529 accounts. But do so quietly, without expecting anything in return or a huge thank you. You do it because you care about their family. And not thinking "if it weren't for me they'd be homeless on the street without college," but just because it is something you do.

a

You sound angry and bitter no offense. I think if anything sounds incredibly kind and empathetic to even think this way. OP I think your gesture and consideration is wonderful. Maybe tell him once if he rebuffs you don't ask again. And I like the idea of saying they are miles that might expire so why doesn't he just "take them off your hands"...great idea. I was in a similar situation as my sister was married to a loser who ran them in the hole financially and it was hard for her to see us with the American dream. Thankfully she came to her senses, dumped him went back to get her masters and now has a fantastic job and just bought a new apt. It was a thrill for our entire family to see her doing so well! Kudos to you for your consideration to others and ignore the jealous haters.

Be there for him and let him know you are, but don't force anything upon him, you don't want to wound his pride.

Actually, I am a 1%er, and am definitely not bitter at having siblings with more than me (although I do have a brother who is a mega-millionaire, i also have siblings in the other direction).

My post may have been a bit excessive, but the thing that really bugged me was that OP sounds condescending. It's important to realize that both OP and her brother are not poor. And his brother's dignity is worth a lot, which seems not to come into play -- you don't offer to loan people money unless they are really in a hard place because it can be really humilating to the person being asked. The brother refuses so it seems like he doesn't enjoy being asked. The OP doesn't really seem to see this side at all and even seems to see herself as a bit superior because her family does have more money than they need right now.

I like the idea of donating to the 529s for their kids and not saying much about it, just sending a statement to the brother once per year, and otherwise treating his brother as ever bit as great as if he were making millions. Is that really so bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound really annoying. First of all, your husband is rich and successful. From what I can tell your "home based business" is just a way to keep you occupied. Your "he's so talented" smugness is just unbearable.

Your brother sounds like he's doing what he needs to do and his wife is a teacher, not a prostitute. They are doing fine.

You seem to think it is more awkward than your brother does. If you are literally oozing money I agree with the other posters that you could gift it to your nieces' and nephews' 529 accounts. But do so quietly, without expecting anything in return or a huge thank you. You do it because you care about their family. And not thinking "if it weren't for me they'd be homeless on the street without college," but just because it is something you do.

a

You sound angry and bitter no offense. I think if anything sounds incredibly kind and empathetic to even think this way. OP I think your gesture and consideration is wonderful. Maybe tell him once if he rebuffs you don't ask again. And I like the idea of saying they are miles that might expire so why doesn't he just "take them off your hands"...great idea. I was in a similar situation as my sister was married to a loser who ran them in the hole financially and it was hard for her to see us with the American dream. Thankfully she came to her senses, dumped him went back to get her masters and now has a fantastic job and just bought a new apt. It was a thrill for our entire family to see her doing so well! Kudos to you for your consideration to others and ignore the jealous haters.

Be there for him and let him know you are, but don't force anything upon him, you don't want to wound his pride.

Actually, I am a 1%er, and am definitely not bitter at having siblings with more than me (although I do have a brother who is a mega-millionaire, i also have siblings in the other direction).

My post may have been a bit excessive, but the thing that really bugged me was that OP sounds condescending. It's important to realize that both OP and her brother are not poor. And his brother's dignity is worth a lot, which seems not to come into play -- you don't offer to loan people money unless they are really in a hard place because it can be really humilating to the person being asked. The brother refuses so it seems like he doesn't enjoy being asked. The OP doesn't really seem to see this side at all and even seems to see herself as a bit superior because her family does have more money than they need right now.

I like the idea of donating to the 529s for their kids and not saying much about it, just sending a statement to the brother once per year, and otherwise treating his brother as ever bit as great as if he were making millions. Is that really so bad?

Well hats off to you but admitting it was a little harsh I gotta give you credit where due. I think we all react differently to this likely based on our own situations. I am not rich at all but we live in a house worth about 700k can afford two cars and a vacation once or twice a year. More than anything, though I consider myself spiritually rich. I love my husband and girls more than i thought possible and that is something no money can buy. I think her gesture was well meaning but she needs to consider how it makes him feel. It sounds like her heart was in the right place though.

[Anonymous]

I have some of the same issues. My brother is extremely wealthy, multiple multi million $ houses, boats, fancy cars, vacations etc. It is a little difficult to take when I work FT, take care of our house and 3 kids and they have servants for everything they need. We do very well, but not as well and sometimes I hate comparing my house to theirs. However, I try to keep in mind that depression, relationship problems, parenting issues, self confidence and all the internal issues we all deal with have nothing to do with money. I sincerely hope they are happy, have a good marriage, good friends etc. Money can't buy these things. I (we) are very happy and I'm not even sure I'd want the hassle of all those "things"/ houses/cars/boats. My relationships make me happy and the people in my life. I admit, I am slightly jealous, but if they think I'm miserable because I don't have as many toys as they have, then I think they are missing what's important in life.

[Anonymous]

+1

[Anonymous]

Go to his house, as much as he comes to yours ~ no reason yours is 'preferred'. Or get together at other locations.

Maybe sister in France should consider having a local US reception. Certainly no family member, in any family, should be expected to go overseas for a wedding.

I would stop talking - and thinking - about the discrepancy. OMG don't offer to loan him money! not unless he said that he was looking to borrow money from somewhere.

You need to fit-in to his life and enjoy all that his life is about, just as much as this effort you are making to include him in your life. You are not more special. Not more important.

[Anonymous]

I am the "poor" sib in my family, but I (like your bro, OP) am not poor. Just a dual income family with teacher-like careers and incomes. My brother is wealthy, lives in a fabulous house, has a beach house, flies off to great places, etc. Am I jealous? Yeah, a bit. But I realize how wealthy I am compared to 99% of the globe, and that I'm right smack dab in the middle in this area, and that I have everything I need. So mostly I'm just happy for him. So, some advice:
As PP above said, please go to your brother's house. Often. The one thing my brother's family does that hurts my feelings is to always say "Oh, we'll host Christmas (or whatever) because we have more room." Room isn't really the point of Christmas, is it? I like to host, too. Rotate.

Quietly save for their kids' college. The one place your brother probably does envy you is in your ability to secure your kids' future.

Instead of offering to pay for expensive trips, instead plan to do less expensive things together. So instead of saying "Hey, would your family like to go to Paris with us? we'll pay", try "Would you like to go camping with us? There's this great national park three hours south."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the "poor" sib in my family, but I (like your bro, OP) am not poor. Just a dual income family with teacher-like careers and incomes. My brother is wealthy, lives in a fabulous house, has a beach house, flies off to great places, etc. Am I jealous? Yeah, a bit. But I realize how wealthy I am compared to 99% of the globe, and that I'm right smack dab in the middle in this area, and that I have everything I need. So mostly I'm just happy for him. So, some advice:
As PP above said, please go to your brother's house. Often. The one thing my brother's family does that hurts my feelings is to always say "Oh, we'll host Christmas (or whatever) because we have more room." Room isn't really the point of Christmas, is it? I like to host, too. Rotate.

Quietly save for their kids' college. The one place your brother probably does envy you is in your ability to secure your kids' future.

Instead of offering to pay for expensive trips, instead plan to do less expensive things together. So instead of saying "Hey, would your family like to go to Paris with us? we'll pay", try "Would you like to go camping with us? There's this great national park three hours south."

While you offer good advice, something tells me OP does not go camping I think the gesture to pay for the Paris trip is valid because theres a purpose, their sisters wedding. Its not like she is saying lets jaunt off to Paris for fashion week, she is merely offering a practical solution to a potential problem.

I hear you on the "We will do Christmas here" because they assume that they have the bigger and better of everything, it should be done there. I get that too. We have an average sized home but the funny thing is my nieces and nephews whose parents are very very wealthy always want to come to our "normal house" in our very "normal neighborhood" which I find ironic but wonderfully flattering!

[Anonymous]

No one has mentioned this but your brother may be very insulted by your future 529 gifts to his children. If he is the "man's man" you say he is, he will consider their children's education to be his and his wife's responsibility. You really need to back off and mind your own business until the day he asks for for your help.

[Anonymous]

People are extremely naive about money. If you have it, you would be wise to not flaunt it. Enjoying it and flaunting it are two different things. I always suspect those who flaunt it are in debt up to their eyeballs - "the American Way".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are extremely naive about money. If you have it, you would be wise to not flaunt it. Enjoying it and flaunting it are two different things. I always suspect those who flaunt it are in debt up to their eyeballs - "the American Way".

"The Real Housewives Way"!

[Anonymous]

My sister and I are on different ends of the spectrum but money is never discussed. They know if they needed me or our money we would give it to them unconditionally. They are comfortable but certainly not wealthy.

I think the gesture of paying for the trip is only appropriate if you think he really cannot afford the 10k then discreetly offer it in private, if he says no accept that and don't ask again. This is my advice.

Money can do strange things to relationships and its best to err on the side of caution when dealing with financial matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

People are extremely naive about money. If you have it, you would be wise to not flaunt it. Enjoying it and flaunting it are two different things. I always suspect those who flaunt it are in debt up to their eyeballs - "the American Way".

What would you consider "flaunting it"? Purchasing something expensive and using it? Having real art or sending a child to private school? Traveling outside the US?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to his house, as much as he comes to yours ~ no reason yours is 'preferred'. Or get together at other locations.

Maybe sister in France should consider having a local US reception. Certainly no family member, in any family, should be expected to go overseas for a wedding.

I would stop talking - and thinking - about the discrepancy. OMG don't offer to loan him money! not unless he said that he was looking to borrow money from somewhere.

You need to fit-in to his life and enjoy all that his life is about, just as much as this effort you are making to include him in your life. You are not more special. Not more important.


OP here who said I think I am more special? I never said it nor implied it! I never said my needs and my house and lifestyle are better, I am to the contrary very close to my brother and that is precisely why I feel for him but am careful to not stop on his toes aka dignity or pride. My sister in law had mentioned that in passing "the trip to France" was the last thing they needed with all their expenses so of course yes, I was brainstorming to think of how I could help, not a crime to WANT to help someone you love and care about. Sister in not reconsidering her wedding, it is done, planned and is not open to negotiation.

As it turns out, I spoke with my brother and did in fact have some airline credit so discreetly got the tickets. He was very thankful and no one but he or i know. I am very pleased it worked out this way and I know that its a burden lifted off of him as well which was my objective all along.