How do you handle passive aggressive in laws?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is the issue.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your MIL is manipulative - she will act like nothing happened in front of you, but then complain to your husband behind your back.

I'd have a talk with her and tell her if she doesn't like something, she can tell it to my face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Shit, if she gonna spin like dat, give her somethin to complain about! Treat the heffa like da bitch she is.

NP here. I did this with my MIL last year. Still paying the price, but, man, did it feel good to put down some hard boundaries with that bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is the issue.

Yup, 100%. I've got one of these too. Eventually after enough of the P.A. shit, the wife will step up and tell the MIL off. Not pretty, but that's what happens. Been there done that. Yes, it probably plays into the whole P.A. baloney, but eventually you feel you must step in and put up some boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Good grief. OP, you wee passive aggressive first, MIL was passive aggressive back, and DH was downright aggressive. None of you handled this well.

[Anonymous]

what kid would consider cherries a treat?! Just be direct when she asks you a question -- you get what you ask for.

[Anonymous]

This is easy. MIL is nasty, DH is a tool, OP is a wimp. Next time OP needs to say "anything will be fine" and if MIL gives DC cherries, OP just throws them out. The next time MIL says something nasty to DH about OP and DH yells at OP, OP needs to yell back at DH for not sticking up for her. OP should NEVER apologize to MIL for being a back stabbing witch and should tell both DH and MIL that if MIL has something to say she needs to say it to OP's face otherwise keep it to herself.

[Anonymous]

Okay people THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE CHERRIES!
This is just one of many many episodes by her MIL. This was just an example. I know, from experience, that if just one of these episodes is described, the listener thinks YOU are the one with the problem. But if almost every conversation with the MIL is like this, like lots of little pin pricks, she is the problem. Like walking through a minefield.
Looking forward to spending time with my MIL this summer. Already looking for ways to shave days of the vacation. Not worth the stress to our marriage.

[Anonymous]

So, she asked you a question, and then got offended when you answered her sincerely? Typical PA. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Op, I am grateful for your post. Some people are bullies, but don't want to hear that word.

[Anonymous]

This is what I do:

I ignore anything that is passive-aggressive. If they cannot be an adult and tell it to my face, it doesn't deserve my time or attention. This helps me a TON in my in-laws' family b/c they are alllll very afraid of being direct. It ensures that I don't play their games. And, if I need to tell them something, I am direct BUT POLITE AND FRIENDLY about it, and no one quite knows what to do about it b/c it's behavior that is rarely seen in their family dynamic. Since I couple my directness with politeness and friendliness, I think they think I come off smelling like roses, whereas other DIL who marches around in a PS snit a lot of the time (not without good reason, but still) is viewed negatively. I just don't let THEM drag me down into THEIR type of bad behavior.

For example:

DH: "Why did you tell my mom that DC couldn't eat cherries!"
ME: "Because she asked what DC could or couldn't eat. It is a reasonable response to a reasonable question."
DH: "You know she already knows about the cherries!"
ME: "Then, she shouldnt' have asked me. I am not a mind reader. I answer questions asked and I reply to statements spoken out loud. I do not read hidden subtext."

[Anonymous]

PS 11:32 back:

I do the same thing with my 5yo DD! I am telling you: it is just about the same level of maturity level so maybe that is why I have such good practice with it.

Example:

DD: moping around with sad face on b/c she is 'hungry,' but she knows we are eating b'fast in about 5 minutes after we finish getting dressed
ME: ignore, keep getting dressed
DD: intensifies sad face, clutches stomach, moans quietly, looks to see if I am paying attention
ME: ignore
DD: tries saying a little quietly, "my tummy hurts." Looks to see if I am paying attention.
Me: "I know. You say that every morning. You know the routine is that we get dressed and then go downstairs for bfast. No need to mope around moaning and groaning."
DD: (says nothing and looks chagrined)

[Anonymous]

ITA re: minefield, PP. there is another poster (IL) on the other thread who is much the same way.

[Anonymous]

Ok... this is gonna sound mean, but... your husband should NEVER take your Mom's side.... at least not to her face.


You are the one he lives with, so he needs to make sure YOU are happy. Why is he coddling his Mom? If my husband did that, I'd tell him to go live with her then.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was snarky to me when I was alone and never in front of my DH, so I never knew what to do. I used to dread being in the same room with her because she would say really hurtful things.

One day I got mad and told my DH. I was weeping by the time I finished. He looked at me and asked me, "What do you want me to do?" I was shocked. He then went on , "She is an adult and you are an adult. When she is rude to you, she should know that you can also be rude back to her. This is your battle. I am not going to intervene. You can choose to be a victim if you want. Don't involve me in this."

I was flabbergasted. But - it did made me realize that it was the most loving thing he could do for me. Next time I confronted her and told her that I will break all relations with her if she continues in such a manner. She tried to talk to DH, but he said the same thing to her. "It is her decision, you have to work it out with her, I will not intervene. It is what it is."

Her behavior changed after that. She realized she has no power over me. We have a very polite relationship now.