How do you handle passive aggressive in laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay people THIS IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE CHERRIES!
This is just one of many many episodes by her MIL. This was just an example. I know, from experience, that if just one of these episodes is described, the listener thinks YOU are the one with the problem. But if almost every conversation with the MIL is like this, like lots of little pin pricks, she is the problem. Like walking through a minefield.
Looking forward to spending time with my MIL this summer. Already looking for ways to shave days of the vacation. Not worth the stress to our marriage.

WE KNOW. Examples work. You can insert any other situation to fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was snarky to me when I was alone and never in front of my DH, so I never knew what to do. I used to dread being in the same room with her because she would say really hurtful things.

One day I got mad and told my DH. I was weeping by the time I finished. He looked at me and asked me, "What do you want me to do?" I was shocked. He then went on , "She is an adult and you are an adult. When she is rude to you, she should know that you can also be rude back to her. This is your battle. I am not going to intervene. You can choose to be a victim if you want. Don't involve me in this."

I was flabbergasted. But - it did made me realize that it was the most loving thing he could do for me. Next time I confronted her and told her that I will break all relations with her if she continues in such a manner. She tried to talk to DH, but he said the same thing to her. "It is her decision, you have to work it out with her, I will not intervene. It is what it is."

Her behavior changed after that. She realized she has no power over me. We have a very polite relationship now.

Even though that particular situation ended well, it sounds to me like your husband hung you out to dry.... just a little. That's HIS Mom, and he should have told her that her behavior was unacceptable. Period. Wouldn't that have felt better for YOU? That, plus the part about you confronting her would have been perfect. I hope he doesn't handle any other situations with the "Sorry, you're on your own" tactic. That'd suck.

[Anonymous]

I would tell DH:
1. That I am disappointed and angry at him, not MIL (she is negligible).
2. That we have to be on the same team and that he must always assume when dealing with MIL that I meant well. Never believe a word she says!
3. Tell him plainly that if he does not turn around, we will end in divorce.

Then remind him of these rules every time he goes to you with some distorted story, and refuse to discuss the matter further.

Lastly, NEVER EVER run after MIL to apologize or explain. Ugh. Please.
Assume in the short-term that she wants you out and enjoys making you squirm. Act defensively in consequence by never giving out more information than you can, never talking to her except when strictly necessary, etc.
Re-assess this approach only when you see significant improvement in her attitude towards you (less tale-telling to DH and others).

Are you a doormat, OP? If MIL wants war, she'll get war.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was snarky to me when I was alone and never in front of my DH, so I never knew what to do. I used to dread being in the same room with her because she would say really hurtful things.

One day I got mad and told my DH. I was weeping by the time I finished. He looked at me and asked me, "What do you want me to do?" I was shocked. He then went on , "She is an adult and you are an adult. When she is rude to you, she should know that you can also be rude back to her. This is your battle. I am not going to intervene. You can choose to be a victim if you want. Don't involve me in this."

I was flabbergasted. But - it did made me realize that it was the most loving thing he could do for me. Next time I confronted her and told her that I will break all relations with her if she continues in such a manner. She tried to talk to DH, but he said the same thing to her. "It is her decision, you have to work it out with her, I will not intervene. It is what it is."

Her behavior changed after that. She realized she has no power over me. We have a very polite relationship now.

Even though that particular situation ended well, it sounds to me like your husband hung you out to dry.... just a little. That's HIS Mom, and he should have told her that her behavior was unacceptable. Period. Wouldn't that have felt better for YOU? That, plus the part about you confronting her would have been perfect. I hope he doesn't handle any other situations with the "Sorry, you're on your own" tactic. That'd suck.

I completely disagree with you. Most strong women who can fight their own battles with most everyone, will hesitate to confront passive aggressive inlaws primarily because of DH and for sake of harmony in the family. Most DH want DW to be nice to inlaws and will not believe that MILs are causing problems. I am glad he was not a mama's boy and neither he came across as hen-pecked. He was smart enough to let MIL know that I will not be bent to anyone's will - not even my husband's. This meant that either she changed her way or she lost both her son and me.

Just because I marry a man does not mean that his family has any right over me and they can treat me with disrespect. The truth is that once a man marries his loyalties lie with his wife and no one else. I am the same with my DH. My own parents and siblings do not come before my DH. They have to treat him with 100% respect or they are out. Strangely enough - we are able to do a lot for both sides of the families just because both of us have made it clear to our parents that our spouse comes first - and the families have fallen in line with that.

Over the years I have done one thing right and that is I have never discussed my husband with my parents or siblings -except to say how great he is. My mom had cautioned me not to tattle about my husband to anyone specially after a tiff, because it leaves a permanent negative impression on other people's mind and then they feel they can be caustic in their remarks to him.

[Anonymous]

White people are stupid.

OP - Give that bitch a beat DOWN! Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

People really do not understand what "passive aggressive" means.