How do you handle passive aggressive in laws?

[Anonymous]

So you said:

"anything is fine, but definitely don't buy any cherries - dc is quite allergic."

Exactly that?

Sorry but that seems obnoxious to say if your MIL clearly knows about the allergy. I would be offended too. Perhaps if you said something like "well anything without cherries will do!" that would be okay but I do not see why you would need to tell your MIL that she is allergic to cherries if she already knows that.

[Anonymous]

Oh my lord! Maybe bc mil has other things to remember or other grandkids? My mom forgets which kid has which allergy all the time. I remind her, who cares.

[Anonymous]

i would be equally as upset with dh. he sounds like a big mommys boy and doesnt have your back. why doesnt he recognize her passive aggressiveness?

[Anonymous]

Your DH is way out of line. He needs to back you up.

And as for your MIL, do NOT, repeat, do Not call back and apologize in an instance like that, when she is clearly out of line. Don't let her know that she succeeded in getting your DH to yell at you. Say nothing.

In fact, if MIL is going to twist your words like that, I would stop talking to her without DH present altogether. No more phone calls. DH can handle his mother.

[Anonymous]

She enjoys finding fault with you any way she can. You can be the nicest, most generous person in the world toward her and it wouldn't matter. In her world, no woman will be as good to her boy as his momma is

[Anonymous]

This is your husband's problem and he's making it your problem. Tell him, "I wasn't rude to your mother and I see no reason to apologize. I hope you've known me long enough to know that I'm not that type of person." He needs to start being reasonable.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like u have a DH problem..not a MIL problem.

What the hell?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me, or is there anyone else who see the real problem as the husband? Why is he calling you with an outright accusation? That needs to be shut down immediately. I'd be furious if my spouse said what he said. If his mom called him with some concerns or complaints, then he needs to talk with his wife and ask her what happened.

+1

Your husband needs to ask for your side of things and assume that you are behaving nicely. He sounds like he's siding with mom over you, which is not healthy for your marriage.

+2. Why is your DH jumping on his mothers bandwagon? You are his wife. he needs to step it up!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you have a husband problem, more than anything. The fact that he automatically takes her side of things and calls you, furious and accusing, is horrific. Unless you are actually kind of a bitch, as a rule? But still, why is this going through him?

Tell your MIL to speak her concerns directly to you, not to her son, if she has an issue with you. Tell your husband to tell his mother to talk to you next time she calls him with a complaint about you.

I have a lot of passive-aggressive in-laws, who bitterly complain and gossip about each other (and me) behind each other's backs, but my husband refuses to take part in it.

[Anonymous]

Meh. Take her on yourself. Be short and sweet. And limit contact. If she wants to over ride you, that is her problem. Your family is your business. DH is now part of your family.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a history of bringing cherries as a treat? Has it been an issue in the past where she gives him things he is allergic to?

If not then you making the assumption that the treat that she will bring will be cherries and that she will choose a treat that could hurt him would definitely not sit well with her and be hurtful.

Why not just ask what treat and when she says a book or ice cream - you can say - oh he'll love that. By insinuating she would bring something that will hurt him you set up the situation for her to be upset. Now if she has a history of feeding him foods he is allergic to then direct reminders are appropriate.

Once she is there in person you can make comments like so far we haven't seen any other reactions to other fruits, so it is still just cherries we are avoiding so far. That way you convey your point without making the assumption that she is going to choose a treat that could hurt him.

She should deal with you directly and not call her son to complain. Your husband was probably annoyed he got called at work to deal with the situation. You set up the bait and she took it. Your husband is probably tired of this dynamic. You had to know that suggesting she would choose a treat that he was allergic too would upset her.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god. The mil asked what the kid would want to eat, and the dil said anything but no cherries!! What is wrong with that?? Regardless, the dh responded totally inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

Don't engage with PA people. Don't call her to apologize when she gets your husband in a tizzy. Tell him that you weren't rude, that it was ridiculous of his mother to call him to complain about it, and that he should at least hear your side of it before jumping all over you.

My mom had a PA MIL. She just dealt with it by being her direct self. Don't play their games.

[Anonymous]

The only way I know to deal with passive-aggressive people is to call them out on it. When you call to apologize and she says it's no big deal, ask her then why did she tell your husband you were rude, mistrusting, etc.? Tell her that she should come to you with concerns instead of going through your husband. If possible, ask your husband to send her your way if she complains about you to her. Passive-aggressive people can't deal with direct confrontation.

[Anonymous]

14:41 - this.

Simply don't engage. They enjoy the games. Don't do it.